Counseling the Counselor

Depression.

I battle Depression. I am a Woman. I am a Wife. I am a Mother. I am a Christian and I battle Depression. It is an ugly word and one that is very misunderstood. For me the symptoms didn't start until after I had been married for a couple of years. The signs were there even when I was a teenager but since I grew up with both parents struggling with this problem it seemed normal. The symptoms started slowly with a general lack of desire to do what I used to love to do and a suddenly short temper. My husband was the one who told me it was time to deal with these issues. Those who love us most are often the ones who see our struggles the clearest. I was lashing out at him and taking my pain and anger out on him. His words are forever in my memory. We had just finished fighting and he said that he keeps wanting to help me fix a problem that he was never meant to fix on his own. He is a very wise man my husband. My actions were taking their toll on our marriage and my anger was really just pain with nowhere to go. Often when a person is very angry they are actually depressed. I know this because I am also a counselor.

I was learning how to help people with depression while discovering my own problem. As part of my counseling program I was required to attend personal counseling and I am so glad that they made it mandatory. I am certain that we all need counseling at some point in our life. We all reach a point in our lives where we are overwhelmed and need someone to help us heal. I had a lot of trauma from growing up that needing dealing with. Counseling helped me so very much. So did the medication. A lot of people have a lot of opinions on medication. For me it is simple. God used counseling and medication to help me heal. It did take several different medications before we found one that worked best with my body. I thought I was finally better and once we found out we were pregnant I needed to get off all medications so I did. And for the duration of the pregnancy I was constantly on the verge of throwing up, constantly tired and very happy.
Then after having Conner the symptoms returned and were even stronger than before. This is usually called baby blues but it is just another word for a type of depression. David and I were sitting in a marriage conference just a few months after having Conner and all my symptoms had returned. The couple speaking began to share about their struggle with postpartum depression and how it is something to be faced together. David and I both cried that day. It is not just my battle. It is our battle. That night David sat down with me and told me several things that set me free and still set me free to this day.

My battle with Depression does not make me crazy. Though it will make you feel that way sometimes.

There is never a moment that I have to walk through this fight alone. God has never left my side, not for a moment of this years long battle and neither would he.

Medication is not the enemy and is a gift from God. If I have to stay on medication to help regulate my depression for the rest of my life that is absolutely ok. Medication does not make me a lesser person or a weak person for needing it.

Life and experiences change us. I kept saying I wanted to be who I was and his answer is something I share with as many people & couples as I can. I don't want who you were, God is changing you and growing you.  I will choose to fall in love with who you are becoming.


It is a common struggle that millions of people face every single day. So why is it so hard to talk about? Why is it such a dirty word? Where does this belief that if you have depression that you are not competent come from? I am not afraid to talk about my struggle and it is because I am not afraid of it anymore. It does not define me. It does not make me a lesser person or incompetent. It is a part of who I am and even if I am not delivered from this disorder this side of heaven I will not let it define me.  Freedom does not always come in the way we expect or hope. It comes however God chooses to provide it. So I will choose to love who I am becoming and who God is making me into.