Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink! Sometimes that is how I feel when searching for peace. For the longest time God has been drawing me closer to him in a way I have never experienced before. I have loved the joy of feeling his presence in a new way, of hearing his voice in a new way and yet there is something missing. His peace seems to hide from me to spite how much I read his word or pray. How is that possible!?! I know how it is possible. I am looking for the peace that the world gives. He does not give peace as the world does. His peace is supernatural. His peace is overwhelming. His peace does not however, block out all the pain and the uncertianty of life. Recently I got a call from Judd, my little brother. He was really struggling with a lot of things in his life and was seeking wisdom from me. I did give him some good advice or what I thought was good advice at the time but when we hung up I realized that I was speaking out of what I thought and not always what was best. I told him to let go of a person in his life that was meant to stay in his life because I didn't like the pain he was in. That is usually how we feel, if someone hurts someone I love I loose a great deal of my logic. (Something about my motherly instincts or some other such nonsense) ;)
When I saw Judd over Thanksgiving he kept talking to me about his struggles and this time I was determined to give Godly wisdom. I spent much of Thanksgiving day talking with him and our family about God and these varying conversations led to an amazing evening. That night the person I told him to let go of prayed with me to receive Christ. Oh, the grief and anger I felt toward myself at my brazen attitude in thinking I knew what was best. I usually try to spare those I love grief but God never makes that promise. It is through our selfless actions and loving others to spite our feelings that God works the most. I have seen him do the most amazing works in my life through my pain and grief. I felt the peace of God rest on me in those sweet moments as we were praying because I was letting go of me and taking hold of him. I was changed that day just as she was. We spend so much of our life angry at those who hurt us or those who hurt the ones we love. That anger is real and understandable and it is not wrong to be angry. It is what you do with that anger that determines whether it is sin or not. Do you take your anger to God and release your pain and cares to him or carry them around and make everyone around you miserable?
I have been quilty of letting my anger ruin me for periods of time. It is very painful and all consuming and so very NOT worth it! You and I all know people who live life this way. For a long time I was one of them! The slightest comment sends them over the edge. We walk on eggshells around them constantly afraid of being the object of their wrath. We don't want to be around them. We feel as though we can do nothing right in their eyes and eventually grow weary of trying to do so. The home I grew up in had this happen a lot and by the grace of God my family of origin no longer looks like this. Thankfully, because I have seen this firsthand and gone through it myself I am aware of when I am in danger and flee from it as fast as possible. I wish I could say my bitterness and anger leave immediately upon praying and forgiving them but it often takes days or weeks to get there. Nonetheless, I must start with me. My reactions to the actions of others are on no one but me. No one is responsible for me feelings but me. Others have the ability to influence them but in the end I they only have as much control over my life as I give them.
In order to feel the beautiful peace Christ gives to his followers I must be willing to be at peace with myself and others. How can I possibly find a peaceful and joyful existence when my heart is full of anger and ungodly expectations? No one will ever fully live up to my expectations and they should not have to! The sad truth is that it is impossible. So tonight I will put my grief, pain, resentment, strife, bitterness, expectations, hurt, fear and so much more to rest at the feet of the one who died to make me at peace with my creator. What I want does not help others, it does not bring peace, it only gives me my desires. To truly have the desires of my heart I need to seek God for what he desires and only then will his peace come.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
