The Beauty of Marriage

There are some moments in marriage that make all other moments in life seem utterly unimportant. My favorite times in my whole life have been with this incredible man that God has given me. I look at all of the moments in my life when I really felt like God moved, when I really felt the Lord speak and heard his voice and the most incredible of these have all been since the day I met my husband. I look at him and see so many things. I see such love, kindness, beauty, light, patience, an incredible sense of discernment, a depth to his walk with God that inspires me and challenges me so much and on top of all of this there is such a rich connection. A connection so strong that at times there are no words to describe it, and sitting here now I find that these words are still not enough. I tend to look at the bad in most things, what I call realistic, my husband call pessimism. But when I look at him, yes, I can see the flaws, but they are of no consequence. I see the beauty in life, the good in the world, what hope can look like(something I usually lack), and all that I want to be when I am in David's presence. What I find so compelling is that when I am in his presence he leaves me wanting to do nothing but be in God's presence. I believe there is no greater blessing outside of a relationship with my Lord Jesus that to be loved this way. I am forced now, to look through all of the hurt of the past months through the eyes of this love, and its picture is much more beautiful that I realized. God has so many things to teach me through a union that is meant to look like his relationship with the church. I am truly a blessed woman, because my marriage does look this way, even with all of its flaws, I know what it means to be loved, and loved well.

Mean Girls

I think I was lured into a false sense of security. I was starting to think that things were going well with the women around me, but I forgot about one very important fact, there are bullies everywhere. There is always someone within almost every group who does not like others to be happy and will do almost anything to ruin that. I really felt that I was starting to make progress at work and that the girls were really starting to feel good about themselves. I saw such amazing changes in how they interacted with each other, they all seemed to care so much and had begun to let go of old grudges and then....the bullies. They seem to thrive on breaking up good relationships, intentionally hurting people for the very satisfaction of it, and have no true depth to their own relationships. I found myself being so angry, that I forgot to realize who my fight is with. My fighting all these months against pain, against people who hurt other people, against people who hurt me, against discomfort, against loss, but they all came anyway.

I had to realize something that I still have a hard time believing. These things will always come, and I have something new to learn from them each time they do. There are different reasons they come, to produce spiritual growth, an attack from the enemy, to produce humility or bring awareness of our desperate need for God, and many others. Over the past year these troubling situations have come into my life for all of these reasons. I desire to learn things so much, but have this crazy need for things to be logical. The trouble with this being that when God moves in our lives or asks us to do something it is almost never logical, God's logic is not ours. All that to say that when people do and say terrible, demeaning, and devisive things I can let it produce a varying number of results. These mean people, or bullies, allow the enemy to use gossip, malice, and anger to inflict any number of attrocities on those around them. Yet, if we look closely we can allow it to change our hearts and minds in ways that these bullies nor the enemy could expect. I can react to them with love, even it takes some time to calm down first! Because in truth, they do not know who they are and are not secure with who they are even if the do have some understanding of themselves.

I, on the other hand, with all my insecurities, do know who I am, I am God's daughter. With this understanding I am trying to approach these hurtful people because they are people who deserve our pity. They make me so angry, so hurt, so livid when they attack me and try to ruin my witness, but in the end, they are just people desperate to keep everyone's eyes on other people's flaws and away from their own. It also makes me think about how I react to others criticisms and corrections, do I throw everyone elses eyes to other peoples flaws or take this observation and look at it without attacking others. Though I do not always react well to correction, I hope to learn to avoid at all costs to not hurt others just because I am. The world does not need any more bullies, it has too many already.

Bouncing Back

I had thought my heart was having the hardest time bouncing back and wasn't paying much attention to it with all that has been going on lately. After all who has time to think about healing with being in grad school, tons of homework and papers, working full time, helping out at the church, and working hard to be a good wife and occasional friend!! Then I went to Howard Payne for graduation and spent some time relaxing. I cuddled with my husband, had deep conversations with my girls, laughed with them about lingerie and being married and ended up seeing myself again. I had felt for a very long time that I had become so hurt and broken that I no longer had a grasp on what it meant to be a woman of God, to be Desiree'.
Then I was sitting there talking to Lexi and Cory and they asked me how I was dealing with all the hurt and suddenly I found myself speaking of God in a way that I never had before. I spoke of heartache and hurt so deep that those I spoke to were moved to tears though I was not, I spoke of forgiveness that only God the Father could do within me, and a deep desire to be victorious not only for myself but for all other women who have endured the same pain that I have. Cory is this tough and burly guy, used to being around convicts, and when I spoke of forgiving someone like that, he just bowed his head and smiled unable to speak. I finally realize that God is making me into a warrior. A fierce and beautiful warrior that will lead other warriors through journeys so amazing that we will only be left standing in awe. I know that for any truly hard job a great deal of determination, preparation, and labor is involved to become ready for what lies ahead. For what lies ahead is victory, and it comes to those willing to work for it. I have fought for a very long time against working so hard, it hurts so badly to do so. But, I feel a deep burden for other women, as though my victories are not just my own, but a victorie that we all must face. If I am not willing to fight for my own heart, my own future, my own needs and identity, then I will never be able to help them fight for their own. And my heart would always feel a longing within.

The God I Knew

I bounce back and forth between being angry and desiring with all my heart to forgive and loose all the fears and problems I have been holding so tightly to. What am I holding onto anyway? What is it that brings me home each day more hopeless than the day before? Is it my frustration with my work environment? maybe Is it my financial situation? likely Is it all this hurt and pain and anger I keep reliving and dwelling on because I just don't understand so many things in my life right now? Hmmmm..... I think I am onto something. When I don't understand something my first instinct is to question it until I am blue in the face. A lot of times that leads to understanding, but that is with homework, papers, relationships, and problems, but what about with actual people, and an actual God? What do I do when I do not understand or even want to understand some of the terribly hard actions and painful events that take place in my life? I have no logic that can explain these things, and I am the queen of logic! I have no understanding within me that says that all this pain and trouble lines up with the character of God. Maybe that is why I am so hurt, I feel like the God I knew, is no longer the God I see before me. Why would my God let me go through so much with not the slightest relief in sight? Why would he allow others decisions to so alter me that I am left utterly broken and wondering if I am capable of loving or helping anyone, including myself. Maybe its because I am utterly incapable of helping anyone, including myself, without God, which I have been trying to do for so long. Maybe its because we need to be able to help break each other, its what reminds us that we need to stay moldable, that way, the breaking is more rare. We are supposed to be clay in the potters hand, even when the Potter looks totally different than we expected, but how do we do that? I realize now, I have been as hard as cement, which made for some tough molding. No wonder God needed to take such drastic actions to move my stubborn heart. No, I did not deserve the pain inflicted on me by others, that I am still trying to work out. The only thing I can think of with that is that what others meant for harm God will turn into a beautiful testimony for women who have been through the same things. But, the other things, were God using one of the worst seasons of my life to prepare me to serve him. He desires me to be totally dependant on him, I am still trying to figure out why all the pain was necessary to make that point, if anyone has that one figured out, please let me know!!?