Growing into Me

I had no idea that when I started this blog how perfect the name of it was. In the past 3 years since I started this new journey it would seem so very fitting. I have grown a great deal and learned a few things. Sometimes life is much more like a nightmare than a dream. There are things that you go through that you never thought you could survive until one day you look up and see that you did, with your limbs, if not your dignity, intact. You may not always hear, see, or feel God. But he continues to listen to, watch, and hold you through all of the numbness. I always thought of hope as a feeling, now I believe it is a lot more like love, it too is a choice. All your relationships change and that is healthy.

Your marriage grows and becomes a beautiful picture of the way Christ loves the Church. I never thought David could love, serve, strengthen, and bless me any more than he already has. And yet when I felt like God was not there it was David there reminding me that God grieves with me and always comforts and holds me in his hands. I pulled away from who I thought I was and found a new perspective. David let me hurt, cry, pull away, and push away from everything and everyone and said just let me hold you and when you are ready I will he here to talk.

I looked at family in a new way. True family never tells you that you are not enough, or that you are a failure. They may drive you nuts, try to help too much, and even hurt you without realizing it, but they will be there through it all and stand beside you in the rain. I have been so angry at my family I thought I would explode and soon I found that it passes with an apology or a joke meant to say that they are sorry. Forgivness is truly a process. Thoughtless words should be given just that no thoughts. My mom is my greatest fan, and I'm pretty sure my sister is a close second (excluding David that is)! When you feel like the world or your friends don't get you or want more than you can give, it is family that reminds you of your worth, tells you that you are enough, and speaks life into the hurt caused by others. Most of all I have learned that family is not defined by blood or marriage alone but by the love and care of one person to another. In my life this has come in many different forms from a loving mother, a sweet brother, someone in my lifegroup that really saw me, a friend who is more like a sister, a mentor, a family friend who can tell the state of your heart by the look in your eyes, and especially the younger girl I mentored in college that now speaks love into my life.

I look at friendship differently too. When you are in college you have a ton of friends and those closest to you get so much attention. Then you commit your life to your spouse, and move away, and put down new roots, and work, and work some more and go to grad school, and work in the church, and suddenly without meaning to or realizing it you are no longer the person they once knew and are wondering how to be that girl again. Then you realize, with much relief that you will never be that girl again and that is ok. Friends only last if they are family. The relationship will not always be perfect but you know that when it is all said and done no matter what you do they will defend you, love you, forgive you, encourage you, release you of their expectations, and stand beside you as any true friend would, or should I say family. The idea is not to be able to tell the difference.

The world takes on a whole new look as you start to listen to the voices of those that know you instead of the one's that think they do. You see the pain behind the smiles and reach out to help and be helped. You want to do more than be happy, you want to be the difference, not just different. My passion for helping people, defending those who cannot defend themselves, teaching, speaking, and most of all writing are gifts, not something to be feared. You will never make everyone happy, you will not even make the one's you love happy all the time! You will fail, usually miserably, and realize that it hurts, humiliates, and aches but won't break you. Your career should be that which you love most and jobs don't matter as much as what you love. Then if or when you loose the job you still have what you love. I think I want my career to be Christ follower, wife, mother, writer, defender, teacher, sister, daughter and many other things that cannot be measured in dollars. I want to be powerful, free, strong and well loved. These are not earned, these are gifts from God that can never be taken from you. These things will last through the pain, rain, change and loss. Like a wonderful husband, an amazing family, or a talent for seeing and writing about life.

Pink Shoes in a Pretty Closet!!!

I love to organize. Those close to me know this best as evidenced by my color coordinated closet, jewelry, shoes, purses, and many more items. My bed may go unmade for days, but my closet will look amazing! After all, I plan to get right back in my bed for a nap so why make it for just a few hours, it seems like such a waste to me! But organizing my surroundings makes me feel like things are in order when the world is so full of disorder. I usually wait till my room is terribly disorganized and then get to work. This also usually happens during a time of great stress. Within a couple of hours of putting things back into their rightful place (along with a bit of chocolate!) my mind begins to defrag and I regain my clarity.

As I was cleaning out my closet the other day looking at clothes that I now do not want, and once just had to have no matter what, I realized a few things. The things we think we need so badly are usually the things that we look back on as something that ended up hurting us, our relationships, our finances, and especially our walks with God. Many of the things I thought I needed most in my life ended up being terrible for me. I would beg, plead, and bargain with God to get what I was so sure I needed, and when I was finally given these things that I was so focused on instead of him I ended up losing them, being hurt by them, or hating them. When I look back on all these posessions, relationships, or positions I just had to have I feel like I am looking at the pile of clothes I am giving away. They gave me temporary happiness and were quickly gone from my mind and replaced as they lost their fit, or were ruined by a great spaghetti dinner (I make a pretty great spaghetti sauce if I do say so myself). It seems that the things that I seemingly stumble upon are what end up being the things that last and mean the most. These things I cannot take credit for because God wanted me to see them for exactly what they were, a gift. I met my husband by "accident" after ending a relationship that I was just so certian would lead to marriage, stumbled upon my greatest passion while being educated for something else. Finding a job I love, working with a dear friend, doing exactly what I never thought I would do again, after 2 years of looking for a high paying job that ended up breaking my heart and leaving me without a job for nearly a year. And lets not forget the greatest "accident" of my life when a friend of mine in 8th grade invited me to church to see a boy I liked and met the lover of my soul and the Savior of my life.

There are some classic things that I still keep in my closet no matter how many years pass or how much changes. These things, funny enough hardly cost me a thing and were given to me out of love. Ironically enough most of these items are pink, as it should be! My favorite pair of pink shoes that cost all of 15$ and will be worn till they fall apart as I'm walking, that gorgeous pink sweater Melanie gave me for Christmas that lasts and lasts no matter what I do to it, and a beautiful pink Bible I stumbled onto while buying a book for school. As I put these old clothes into the donation pile I am filled with sense of joy because I finally see what God has been patiently trying to show me for all of these years. Instead of waiting on God to give me what I need I have been trying to give myself what I thought I needed. These are not gifts but painful barriers that I put between myself and God. I am once again reminded that every good and perfect gift comes from above. After all he is the only one who knows exactly what we need, when we need it. From the pink shoes to the handsome prince I now call my husband the greatest things in my life are always given to me from a loving a generous God, and almost never something I earned. Though don't let that stop you from trying to find the perfect gift for my quickly approaching birthday!!!

The Family We Choose

I have heard and read many times that there is the family we are born into and then there is the family we choose. The family I chose actually chose me. We stumbled onto each other at the time when we needed each other most. Over 4 years ago I met my husband, over 6 years ago the women I call my brothers and sisters. Since knowing these people my life has not been the same. We truly grew up together, found out what love and life are about, and most of all who God is. I stayed up late the other night talking to Dani, one of my sisters, feeling that it is ok to disagree with her, challenge her, cry with her, and ask all the hard questions. She and I have gone through much together, and still after it all there is a peace in knowing that a real friend, is actually family. They will let you hurt, speak truth when its hard, give you the space you need to mourn, love you deeply, correct you, and most of all pray for you. You may be far apart, hurt each other, bless each other, and will still come back together as though no time has passed. If this is not family is I don't know what is. I know not where these amazing people and I will end up or what growing pains we will endure. But I do know that wherever it is, we will be, above all else, family.

The Joy of Giving Up.....

Months and months of planning go into a wedding. You get so accustomed to making everything perfect, just the way you want it. Life, in my organized mind should be this way. In reality it is a beautiful, complicated, painful, joyful mess. On my honeymoon I had a sort of breakdown after planning for so long and having all of that stress gone. Why is it so hard to drop all of our bestlaid plans into the strong capable hands of God? In my life its like taking something from the hands of a stubborn baby. They hold on so tight to the object of their desire having no idea that it is not meant for them, could even hurt them, and the time to have it is years down the road. If we try to take hold of something outside of its time it only leads to having it ripped from our grasp to save us from ourselves. This has been my life for the past 2 and a half years. Just because there are great things in front of us, plans made by us, by those we love, and especially by God, does not mean we take it without asking God what its there for. Our gifts in our hands usually end up broken, like a child who is given a delicate doll at too young an age. The last clear thing I remember God saying before the storm started was that my dreams were going to take time because I needed to learn to let go. Then when the storm hit I was so surprised that it came I forgot to listen to anyone, especially God. When your caught outside in a heavy storm all you hear is the thunder and deafening rainfall as you run for cover, usually without any protection overhead. You reach your destination soaked, cold, and usually sick! This is exactly what happened to me. I stepped outside of God's will and his umbrella of protection and got soaked! The pain went from bad to worse as my anger, bitterness, frustration, and disappointment grew with each day as my understanding of God and his character grew blury. Eventually I had walked so far off course that what was meant to grow and strengthen me has only served to make me doubt everything! Eventually my doubt brought me to my knees so many times that all I could do was abandon my expectations of who I thought God was and of who I was. Funny thing is that was what I needed to do 2 years ago to see clearly what was happening. I was driving home one night and yelling to God how much it all hurt, and how angry I was at him. Then I said, I just don't know who I am anymore, and I'll never be myself again! Promptly answered with I don't want you to be the same, I want you to be a new person!
It all hit me so clearly at that moment that all my tears dried up and I sat there (still driving) and in shock at my ignorance. Soon my heart and attitude about life changed in a way that I never thought possible as my life was filled with more hope and gratitude than I had ever been capable of before. Who knew giving up would be so great! When I prayed there was peace, the wall was gone, and finally I heard God, not as a child but as a woman.