My shift with Conner started 2 hours ago. David fell asleep 1 hour ago. He started laughing in his sleep 30 minutes ago. I have been smiling for 30 minutes. Conner's laugh sounds like his daddy's. He has been doing it for the last few nights and I have yet to tell him for fear that if he knows he is doing it he might stop. Sometimes stress gets to us and we forget to take time to laugh or remember how good life can be. I found myself laughing really hard for the first time in what seems like weeks. With the baby struggling to sleep and my love of sleep clashing it makes it very hard to be cheery. He makes me overwhelmed with joy and yet the needs he has are sometimes exhausting. And just when I think I don't have any strength to go on he will look at me and smile and somehow I can keep going. Never are we more aware of our selfishness that when we have children. David told me he realized his selfishness just a week after having Conner. I had been up with him all day and into the night and by 4am I had reached a breaking point. I woke David up to get some help and he complained for several minutes. I left the room and continued to take care of Conner while crying. He came into the room and said, "Wow, I never realized how selfish I was till we had Conner, I'm sorry, please go lay down and I will take him."
Before we had him our schedule was full of things like, school, homework, date nights, sleeping in, taking naps, dinner out with friends, and of course ministry in all its many forms. We went where we wanted to when we wanted to. We slept in on Saturdays and made pancakes. We went to late movies. Those things seem like distant memories. I do miss them at times but for some reason they pale in comparison to nights in with my boys. Before we got pregnant I heard friends talk about their lives before and after children and it did not sound exciting. I was missing the reason the change is so wonderful. Never have David and I been closer and never have I loved another person so much as I do now. I was afraid that children would mean that David and I would not be as close but the truth is just the opposite. We have never been closer or needed each other more than we do now. We are so in love with the little person that God has given us and this love has made all the difference.
Now when I need help David is quick to offer it. He even does it without being asked most of the time. God has changed him and me for the better in so many ways. I find myself amazed at all the changes that have taken place in just a few short months. I'm awake listening for the cry of my son. I even hear babies crying when I'm alone. I never thought I had what it took to be and parent and there are still days where I don't. But, God knows my fears and has given me all the tools I need to be the wife and mommy he has asked me to be. You see, alone I am incapable of loving David or Conner the way they need, but when God does it through me I can be more than adequate. I can be excellent, amazing, beautiful, kind, patient, joyful, patient, loving, nurturing and even selfless. When God does it through me it is so incredible that I cannot help but stop and smile. Or better still listen to the laughter and laugh right along with it.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Every Single Word
Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
My husband told our youth a couple of years ago something that stuck with me so profoundly that I share it with as many people as I can. He said that every single word out of our mouth has the potential to be discouraging or encouraging. EVERY SINGLE WORD! I believe he got this idea from a book he was reading and I will ask him when he wakes up who that author is but WOW! A word as simple as yes or no can be discouraging! It is all in the way you say it, the inflection in your voice, the expression on your face, the stance your body takes that says so much more than that one word ever could. I think about the things I have said today and how I said them and am certian I was not encouraging the whole time. Yet, this should be the goal. Even when we are correcting a child, a friend, or a co-worker the attitude should be the same, loving and encouraging. Yet, we are so mean to each other! When did sarcasm become an entire language!?! Joking can be fun and even funny but if we are honest the kind of joking that usually takes place is small jabs at each other followed by a quick "I was only joking!" to make the other person feel as though they are too sensitive instead of us realizing that we are being hurtful. I came across a verse I read often in Proverbs 26 that says:
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"
By using hurtful words we are literally throwing death! As my former pastor used to say, if you can't say amen, say ouch! You can say I'm being too harsh but take the time to think about the words spoken to you in the name of joking. A snide comment about your weight, or your hair, the job you do, the friends you have, the way you see the world. We belittle each other so often that it has become a way of life. I believe with all of my heart that when I stand before my Savior he will hold me accountable not only for all of my actions but every careless word I have spoken. This gives me goosebumps just thinking about all the things I have said in passing that may have hurt others simply because I was not thinking. There is a reason the Bible says the tongue is evil! We have to be paying attention all the time to our mouth. When someone becomes careless with their words it is like saying that they do not care what comes out of their mouth or what it does to those around them. How sad that we as Christians are often the most guilty of this. A Christian friend once told me after I shared this with them that they could never stop being sarcastic because it was too much a part of who they were. May we never become so set in a way of doing things that we are unable to change and grow.
We all have an area of our speech that needs work. I am often so pessimestic that I feel like I'm choking on my negativity. As I write this I find myself saddened that I still struggle with this after all these years of seeing God come through in my life and if I am like most I will battle this area most if not all of my life. God has so much to say to the world through his children about so many things, but especially about how much he loves them. It is impossible to be loving and hateful at the same time! Are we up to the task? Or will we spend all of our time trying to be witty at the expense of others? I guess what I am saying all boils down to this:
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
My husband told our youth a couple of years ago something that stuck with me so profoundly that I share it with as many people as I can. He said that every single word out of our mouth has the potential to be discouraging or encouraging. EVERY SINGLE WORD! I believe he got this idea from a book he was reading and I will ask him when he wakes up who that author is but WOW! A word as simple as yes or no can be discouraging! It is all in the way you say it, the inflection in your voice, the expression on your face, the stance your body takes that says so much more than that one word ever could. I think about the things I have said today and how I said them and am certian I was not encouraging the whole time. Yet, this should be the goal. Even when we are correcting a child, a friend, or a co-worker the attitude should be the same, loving and encouraging. Yet, we are so mean to each other! When did sarcasm become an entire language!?! Joking can be fun and even funny but if we are honest the kind of joking that usually takes place is small jabs at each other followed by a quick "I was only joking!" to make the other person feel as though they are too sensitive instead of us realizing that we are being hurtful. I came across a verse I read often in Proverbs 26 that says:
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"
By using hurtful words we are literally throwing death! As my former pastor used to say, if you can't say amen, say ouch! You can say I'm being too harsh but take the time to think about the words spoken to you in the name of joking. A snide comment about your weight, or your hair, the job you do, the friends you have, the way you see the world. We belittle each other so often that it has become a way of life. I believe with all of my heart that when I stand before my Savior he will hold me accountable not only for all of my actions but every careless word I have spoken. This gives me goosebumps just thinking about all the things I have said in passing that may have hurt others simply because I was not thinking. There is a reason the Bible says the tongue is evil! We have to be paying attention all the time to our mouth. When someone becomes careless with their words it is like saying that they do not care what comes out of their mouth or what it does to those around them. How sad that we as Christians are often the most guilty of this. A Christian friend once told me after I shared this with them that they could never stop being sarcastic because it was too much a part of who they were. May we never become so set in a way of doing things that we are unable to change and grow.
We all have an area of our speech that needs work. I am often so pessimestic that I feel like I'm choking on my negativity. As I write this I find myself saddened that I still struggle with this after all these years of seeing God come through in my life and if I am like most I will battle this area most if not all of my life. God has so much to say to the world through his children about so many things, but especially about how much he loves them. It is impossible to be loving and hateful at the same time! Are we up to the task? Or will we spend all of our time trying to be witty at the expense of others? I guess what I am saying all boils down to this:
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Children Do Not Exist For Our Ease And Comfort
Sometimes I sit here and watch him sleep and am overwhelmed by the love I feel. Since the moment I heard his heartbeat I have been in love with him. Yes, I was scared, overwhelmed and unable to understand all that it meant to be a mother. To be a parent is a daunting task. To be trusted by God to raise up his child in a manner that pleases him should make us feel overwhelmed. It is an impossible task without his help!
I read an article today about women desiring to have post birth abortions and was overwhelmed with grief. This is the opposite of what it means to be a parent in every possible way. I cannot imagine loosing him without my stomach hurting. The heart of our God beats for his children. His love for us knows no end and is not based on our actions. A dear friend recently found out early on in her pregnancy that her child had a heart defect. This defect was very serious and life threatening. Aborting her pregnancy never entered her mind. This was her child, her beautiful baby boy and a gift from God. He was born and immediately went into surgery. He spent 3 months in the hospital afterwards. They barely slept. He consumed their thoughts and prayers. They held him. They cared for him. They cried with him. They felt all of his pain as though it were their own. They cannot imagine a life without him. They are his parents.
Right before we had Conner we visited them in the hospital. Things were hard and painful but that was not the point. They were not focused on themselves but their child. Their needs no longer came first. When making decisions about their family what was easiest no longer factored into the equation. Children do not exist for our ease and comfort. They are a gift to be cared for, nurtured, loved, cherished and most of all protected. In them David and I saw the kind of parents we wanted to be and were awed by their love for their child. I believe with all my heart that the love God has for us is sacrificial and that the love for our children and others should be just that. I cannot imagine love existing without sacrifice. (Thank you Wes Terry!) Christ died because he loved us and continues to love us. I cannot imagine my savior saying that my needs are too great. That he is unwilling to take care of me because I did not turn out to be what he wanted or expected. He died because I was not able to atone for my own sins. I have never been able to take care of myself, meet my own needs, or be of use to anyone without Christ. I believe God gives us children for many reasons and one of those reasons is to understand how much he loves us and how desperately we need him. He does not walk away when things are difficult or painful. He does not say that our needs are too great. He meets our needs. He never leaves us. He hears our prayers. He counts our tears. He is our Dad and we are his children. May we all aspire to be the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.
I read an article today about women desiring to have post birth abortions and was overwhelmed with grief. This is the opposite of what it means to be a parent in every possible way. I cannot imagine loosing him without my stomach hurting. The heart of our God beats for his children. His love for us knows no end and is not based on our actions. A dear friend recently found out early on in her pregnancy that her child had a heart defect. This defect was very serious and life threatening. Aborting her pregnancy never entered her mind. This was her child, her beautiful baby boy and a gift from God. He was born and immediately went into surgery. He spent 3 months in the hospital afterwards. They barely slept. He consumed their thoughts and prayers. They held him. They cared for him. They cried with him. They felt all of his pain as though it were their own. They cannot imagine a life without him. They are his parents.
Right before we had Conner we visited them in the hospital. Things were hard and painful but that was not the point. They were not focused on themselves but their child. Their needs no longer came first. When making decisions about their family what was easiest no longer factored into the equation. Children do not exist for our ease and comfort. They are a gift to be cared for, nurtured, loved, cherished and most of all protected. In them David and I saw the kind of parents we wanted to be and were awed by their love for their child. I believe with all my heart that the love God has for us is sacrificial and that the love for our children and others should be just that. I cannot imagine love existing without sacrifice. (Thank you Wes Terry!) Christ died because he loved us and continues to love us. I cannot imagine my savior saying that my needs are too great. That he is unwilling to take care of me because I did not turn out to be what he wanted or expected. He died because I was not able to atone for my own sins. I have never been able to take care of myself, meet my own needs, or be of use to anyone without Christ. I believe God gives us children for many reasons and one of those reasons is to understand how much he loves us and how desperately we need him. He does not walk away when things are difficult or painful. He does not say that our needs are too great. He meets our needs. He never leaves us. He hears our prayers. He counts our tears. He is our Dad and we are his children. May we all aspire to be the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.
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