Fighting with a Broken Foot

I started taking karate.  I had always wanted to but it just never happened.  This really never bothered me until I took self defense and then I got the fever.  Self defense was just such an incredible experience that I wanted to continue building on what I had learned.  So I got brave and walked into Troy Dorsey's studio upon the advise of almost everyone I knew who said I should do it.  I think a few of them just wanted to see girly Desiree' try to beat someone else up since I might be the prissiest girl on the planet!  But to spite all of my reservations here I was standing in the middle of the studio in this bright white uniform looking at my teacher who happens to be this incredible fighter (Troy Dorsey himself) with something like a 9th degree black belt (no idea how you get to that), who has literally knocked people unconscious and I'm scared to death!  But he just smiles at me, teaches me the guidelines, and then we are off and running.  I learned how to put someone in a headlock,  get out of a bear hug, and the best way to hit someone in every sensitive place you could think of! All of this was on my first night in the class!  We worked every muscle I had and some I was not aware I had and as we are learning the most effective way to step on someone's foot it dawned on me.  I'm a lot braver than I used to be. 

Fear has seemed to run my life for more years than I care to admit.  I was afraid of failure, loss, hurt, or becoming something I swore I never would.  These fears have kept me from doing so much.  You see, when you stomp on the foot in exactly the correct way you will break the bones of the foot and most importantly the bones that create the arch.  All of the tendons arould these bones support it and allow a person to walk correctly.  When this support is damaged and the bones broken a person is incapable of moving and walking correctly.  In fact they may never walk the same way again.  This seems to have been my situation up to this point.  I was letting fear be my motivation instead of God and my passion for what I loved.  So much of my life has been spent afraid.  Afraid that I will let myself or others down.  Afraid that I did not have what it takes to succeed.  I don't want to live that way anymore! Its draining!  It is true that what we go through changes us.  I may never walk the way I once did, after all my foot has been broken many times in the metaphorical sense.  But who needs to walk perfectly when you can take someone down simply using the palm of your hand!  So as I stepped onto the mat for my second night of karate in my bare feet I felt that firm sense of resolve that says I am much stronger than I look and I will learn how to fight instead of run from what I fear.

I was so sore and tired when I got home that night but I could not stop smiling.  My sweet and supportive husband asked how it went and I sweetly said I would tell him if he would rub my very sore arms!  So I sat there and explained what we did and how I felt about it as he worked a very large knot out of my left arm.  Then I went and soaked my tired feet and talked to God.  This was not simply a way for me to go out at night by myself without being afraid, this was being able to walk when wounded and fight through fear. 

Now if only they would make a pink karate uniform! Yes, others would laugh, until they had to fight me!

Summer in Texas Makes Me Want to Live in Canada!

Summer in in the air.  You can see it everywhere you look.  Its in the blooming flowers, annoying spiders and bugs, and of course the sweltering heat! I spend twice as much on hair products, sunscreen, and detergent to combat this most unbearable of seasons!  Yet, I have always loved summer for one singular reason, it always meant freedom!  Not so much now that I am an adult.  I am not someone who likes heat, I don't like to sweat, and in this humid weather taming my curly hair is nearly impossible. 
I am certian I was made for colder weather, as evidenced by the fact that if I spend more than 10 minutes in the sun I burn and blister.  Each time I step into the Texas heat, watch my makeup melt off my face, or put lotion on a fresh sunburn I am reminded that I deeply desire to live in cold weather.  I know I am unusual and yet I will admit that there is something to be said for feeling the sun on your face (as long as it is coated in a thick layer of sunscreen!).  I only like to feel this feeling when at a Rangers baseball game or in my favorite case, sitting by the pool.  In the last few years it was sitting by the pool that I had such sweet times with God.  All is quiet and I am warm and comfortable.  There is no where to go and nothing to do.  I am still on these rare occasions and God begins to speak softly to my racing thoughts and seemingly endless worries.
It would seem that God has always had a way of speaking to his children in the most painfully unbearable of conditions.  I believe it is when we are most desperate and likely to listen.  No, sitting by the pool is not painful for me, that is unless I forget to reapply the sunscreen! But its very warm and I am very still.  His children wandered in the desert, and his son was tested in the wilderness.  It would seem that God uses heat to raise our awareness of who he is.  This happens physically, emotionally and spiritually to all of us.  In Isaiah, chapter 48 the Bible says "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction."
Maybe that is why I dislike heat so much.  I run so hard to avoid pain.  I do not run like I once did.  In some cases I even face it head on and work through it.  But every fiber of my being has the desire to flee from painful circumstances.  Sadly, this is when I hear God the best and am now finding myself once again in need of lingering a little longer in the presence of the Son.  I need a fresh word from God on life, relationships, and my future.  In his presence it is warm, peaceful, not peaceful as the world defines it but a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It even surpasses my inevitable sunburn if I linger in his presence so long that I forget to put on more sunscreen!
So, summer, as much as I detest you for the most part.  You are a season that I must endure and if I'm smart, learn to enjoy because you speak through all seasons!

A Warm Bed and a Restless Mind

I lay in my warm bed half awake as I hear the alarm go off.  I take a deep breath and crawl further under the covers.  In these moments I lay there in the peace and quiet and hear God speak softly to my heart.  And my heart is desperate for God to speak and give me a new perspective on just about everything.  Lately my mind and heart have been so restless.  I long so deeply for free time and the chance to finally do what I love on a daily basis that it has begun to take its toll on my spirit, my attitude, my relationships and just about everything else.  My sweet husband tries to help and I love him for it but but the restlessness continues. 
So, like a good counselor, I reflect on all the things that could be causing this problem.  I pray.  I talk.  I sit in silence.  I talk to my husband.  I talk to my mom.  I even talk to myself.  I cry.  I eat.  I shop (much to my husband's frustration!).  Yet, here I sit restless.  I know we all go through seasons where we want to be somewhere else and there is nothing we can do about it.  But how do we deal with this impatience that begins to puncture a relatively healthy mindset?  I guess the answer lies in the question.  Christ said that he gives us peace, but not as the world gives it.  So if he gives us peace that looks different than the peace of the world then we cannot seek it the way we do everything else.  I often find myself seeking God for answers and at this time there really are no answers to be had.  I am in a time of waiting and I must walk through it.  So I must now seek God simply for who he is.  As my wise husband once said, " I hope you didn't marry me for what I can give you, I hope you married me because you love me and want to be with my always.  That is how we should see God."  Wise man my husband, what he was saying is that I must seek God to simply sit in the joy of his presence and the beauty of being near him. 

So today I woke up and breathed a deep sigh of relief.  I layed in my warm bed and cried out for God to change my heart and give me his perspective and most of all his presence. I got up and got dressed in the beautiful silence of God's presence.  I walked outside and smelled the fresh spring air.  The unrest still lingers but I ask God to speak to my heart and quiet my mind.  To give the peace that only he can give.  My circumstances will be no different today.  I will go to class and move one day closer to graduation.  But I believe that my mind must be in a better place because right now I hear God's voice above all the noises that fill my day and his peace surpasses my understanding.  You see unlike the world's temporary peace God's peace is complete and perfect. 

Easter Eggs and the Empty Tomb

I love this time of year.  There is such a sense of renewal.  There is so much joy and all the tough and painful situations don't seem as important when we focus on the constant love and compassion we are crowned with because of Christ.  Yes, we buy new Easter dresses, take pictures, hunt eggs filled with chocolate if we are lucky, and we eat A LOT!!!  Some say that to celebrate in these ways may be silly; but for me each beautiful part of the celebration is a joyful reminder of the gift given and the peace that surpasses all understanding.  There is a similar celebration at Christmas.  For me Christmas holds a beauty all its own but its Easter that seems to set my mind and heart at ease in a way I'm not certian I can describe. 

I will never forget seeing the passion of the Christ and watching all the painful acts he had to undure.  Yet what sticks out most in my mind is not his crucifixion.  It was the moment when he sat up and just walked out of the tomb.  At that moment all of the pain, hurt, fear, humiliation, agony, weight, longing, loss, and seperation were swept away.  I think this is why I love the resurrection so much.  In my life it is what I have walked through and been broken by that I always thought mattered so much. But as I look back it seems that it is the moments that I realize there has been a victory and I am walking in it that makes the most impact.  Sadly, I don't realize the victory has taken place till weeks or even months after and I am deeply sad.  During all of that time I walk through life as though I am still in a broken and useless season.  For months God will have been trying to tell me that I am free and I am so consumed by the pain that I was in that I neglect to walk in the healing provided. 

There is no mistaking that on this day healing was provided.  But healing was not the only thing provided.  It was healing, relationship, and love provided once for all and the only way I could imagine Christ going through it all without calling the angels down to stop it is that he knew the victory that had already been won simply by him coming to earth.  We were given a chance to be in constant communion with our creator and to know what love truly is. Then we are able to share this incredible love with every person we come in contact with including our family, friends, spouse and hopefully ourselves! My continual healing is always at hand and always available.  To walk in it may be a battle but Jesus walked through life, temptation, betrayal, torture, and death.  Then he walked out of an empty tomb to show me how to walk and then run the race he has laid out before me.  So we walk one day at a time, some days we run, some we crawl but we take comfort in the fact that Jesus did the exact same thing.  My Savior is risen and he walks with me for all eternity.  Now I'm off to enjoy the beauty of Easter eggs and an empty tomb!

Saving Face with the Generic Brands

In the name of saving money and getting our priorities in order David and I took a long hard look at what we spent our money on.  Some things we think we need we really don't.  Some things we think we need are bad for us.  Some things we need we do truly need.  And then there are the things that we use that are still good but cost less.  These are the generic brands that keep our lives running and money in our pockets.  I love generic brands.  They are like saving money without sacrificing.  Some of these generic brands are even better than their more expensive counterparts.  It is with this knowledge that I chose to try a different facial cleanser to save us a big chunk of change.  My husband smiled when I said I would try this.  He knows my fear of having acne again.  Which is why in the almost 6 years of knowing me he never gave me a hard time about using clinique.  It helped my skin and therefore my outlook.

This may seem silly but for me to try a new facial routine is extremely nerve racking.  I struggled and from time to time still struggle with acne.  For anyone who has ever struggled with this it is unthinkable to switch from a product that works to one that we are unsure of.  Our face is what we show the world.  We want it at its best.  We want to be beautiful. As women being beautiful is extremely important.  We want to be admired, sought after, and pursued.  What is my point you might ask.  Well I'll get to it.  I tried the generic brand of facial cleanser.  I just knew it would not work.  Well I was wrong.  It did work and my face is in even better shape than it was using clinique.  What I was using was too harsh on my skin and for years I have been dry and itchy.  Acne free but dry and itchy.  Often the nourishment we seek is found in the simple things that have been there all along that we thought we were too good for. 

The simple things of God are what grow and change us the most.  Yet, they are the things that we cannot seem to find time or energy for.  Sitting in silence, listening to a still small voice,  reading the simple yet complex and powerful words of a God who loves us.  For these things we often cannot be bothered.  And then we find these things become essential to our ability to progress and suddenly we are willing to try them.  The results are incredible as they always are and so we continue in them for a while.  Then like God's children in the desert we grow weary of the things that are good for us and long for the things that held us captive.  No, clinique is not the egyptian pharoah holding me captive.  Yes, I might be stretching this a bit.  But for me it makes sense and I see it every single time I look in the mirror.

A Fresh Face & a New Perspective

At the end of each day I go about the same routine.  Sometimes the routine begins later than others depending on how much homework I have but the routine is always the same. I take off my makeup, I lather up my face, let it sit for a minute until I begin to feel that the days dirt has been diluted. Then I rinse off the soap, use a toner to feel fresh and clean and moisturize.  Finally I sit in front of a fan and feel the cool air on my clean face. This is one of my favorite times of the day.  I can finally relax from all of the days work, I'm in my pajamas and all of the concerns of the day begin to fade. As I look closer I see the inconsistancy between what I do to take care of my outside while almost totally neglecting my inside.  The food I eat is so random and mostly unhealthy with very little concern for what is best for my body and instead a selfish desire for what tastes good at the moment. Why the glaring contradiction?  There are so many reasons, excuses, and choices that go into why I do what I do. None of which seem to make a great deal of sense.  Sadly, it would seem that my choices with food mirror my relationship with God much more than my care for the outside. My skin, my hair, my clothes are all well thought out and planned and yet what matters most is treated badly and neglected.
So, now I am reading a book on what is best to put into your body and frustrating my husband that there is no longer garlic bread; but at least its a start.  Being strong and healthy physically and spiritually are linked I believe.  They are not simply a lifestyle that comes naturally to all.  For me it is a daily choice to be good to myself and those I love.As I learn to love what is best for me I find myself wanting to read the word of God more, pray more, and find that silence is not as scary as it once was.  Does that mean that if we all eat better we will be closer to God? I don't know.  But it seems to be helping me get closer to God, and have healthier skin, and my clothes fit again!  It would seem that what Christ spoke of is true.  When we are clean on the inside the outside takes care of itself.

Snowball Fights and Snow Days in Texas

POP! That was the only thing I heard as the snowball the size of my husband's feet hit me right in the ear!  When I turned around to see where the snowball came from all I could see was the wisp of bright red hair of one of our Church's preteen boys as he ran away as fast as he possibly could.  Normally this would frustrate me, after all he was messing with the hair!  But this time I could not help but join in.  We chased each other, threw snow, fell down, and laughed so hard that we could not tell if it was the cold weather making us breathless or all of this running around.  My husband and all the preteens were pummeling each other with snowballs as we waited for their parents to arrive after a conference we had taken them to.  I had been so excited about the foot of snow that had fallen at record speed for the past 2 days.  School, work, and almost all other activities had been called off or canceled and I was forced to do nothing but stay indoors and spend some much needed time with my sweet husband.  I was ecstatic!  Then life hit and we were forced to run errands, make phone calls, and return to life as we knew it and I was finding myself disappointed and a bit cranky. I tried not to show my crankiness but that never seems to work.  I had told my husband that I really wanted to just be at home with him and play in the snow.  And as I stood there in the cold with a dozen preteens and snowballs flying I realized that sometimes God gives us something even better to help us realize that Pop! His plans are much better than ours!  I went home that night covered in snow, tired, relieved of my anxiety, and happily holding my husband's hand.

Being Grateful

I was driving to work and found myself singing at the top of my lungs.  I had not done that is so long, not because I had no reason to but because I was worried that my reasons for being happy would suddenly disappear if I rejoiced over having them.  I had forgotten how to be grateful, or should I say I was afraid of being grateful.  Recently I heard Priscilla Shirer (my hero) say that even the strongest believers go through desert seasons and stop expecting God to move.  I had found myself in that very position.  I had lost sight of how big God was, how strong his love for me is, and how much I had let pain alter my perspective.  It was about this time that I met with my mentor and shared my feelings with her.  I was sharing with her that I feel like faith is something I don't have much of.  Then she tells me that I should keep a journal and read about what amazing things God has done for me in the past.  I used to journal all the time and for some reason I don't anymore.  Then I asked her what she goes back to when she is lacking faith.  She opened my spiritual eyes by telling me that the greatest time she has ever had with God was during the darkest time of her life.  She knew that there was no way she could have made it through all of that pain without God holding her every single minute.  What she said startled me and reminds me every single day that trails are something to be grateful for.  . I desperately needed a new perspective and had been praying for it for some time. That is when I found myself singing in the car. I was grateful for so many things, to spite my fear, I was able to praise God.  He moves in the most amazing way when we are hurting and at our worst.  My mentor was right, I would not have become who I am, grown the way I have, and realized all that I needed to if it were not for the hardest times in my life.  I have found it is those time that shape me the most and reveal the desperate need for God the most.  Maybe those times are the one's we need the most, since they usually draw us so close to God.  Now that is something to sing about.