I am angry....

I feel like I cannot remember the last time I was not angry. I am so tired of believing that God will deliver me from this terrible job only to be left disappointed. Why would he leave me here to be in the same place I was assaulted in? The same place that leaves me with no time to spend with my husband or family? The same place that makes me work most nights? The same place that takes my Sundays? The same place that makes it near impossible to pay the bills? The same place that all I want is to be free from? It makes no sense to me! I need help understanding this, and instead all I am left with is anger. I am so hurt, and I hear that there is something I am supposed to learn, to grasp, to hear, and if only I would just get that, I would be able to move on. I have nothing left and I'm tired of advice. If there is something I have missed and am supposed to get, would someone please tell me?! I have never been so disappointed in the Lord, and I know we are not supposed to say that, but I truly feel like this. Where is he?

The Ugly Side of Cosmetics

I work day in and day out at a cosmetics counter. The expectation to be perfect and look perfect is overwhelming and some days are harder than others. Today was a hard day. I was unable to wear much makeup due to my sunburn and when I left the house I felt pretty good about how I looked. But, when I got to work I got quite a few comments about how I needed more makeup, a better tan, a skinnier body and a number of other small comments that take place all the time when your profession is based on your appearance. The girls didn't mean to hurt my feelings they are just used to the kind of beauty that comes from relentless, painstaking work spent on the superficial. When someone does not always put in this kind of effort that is considered essential, it seems foreign to them. So, I came home brokenhearted and feeling ugly. Yet, it occurs to me that nothing about who I am on the outside changes the beauty that God has placed within me. When all the working out, sunless tanner, makeup, manicures, pedicures, hair-dye, tight clothes, plastic surgeries and wrinkle fighting creams are stripped away all that is left is more than enough. Yes, my heart still hurts, it hurts a great deal, but the identity I have in Christ is what defines me. To be defined by the opinions and expectations of others would be to do God and my husband a great disservice. For they both think I am absolutely beautiful, and rejoice over me, and their opinions are the only ones that matter in the end.

The Life Raft

I woke up this morning early, really early, on my day off. Normally that would frustrate me, but not today. It was like Christmas, I did not sleep well, I tossed and turned all night, and all because I was finally getting a day with David! I was so sad though, because he ended up having to spend a couple of hours that we were supposed to use sitting by the pool to do his paper. So, I sat there in the warm water with nothing but nature to distract me, and that was when I finally heard God speak to my heart. He has longed for me to get excited about spending time with him, to yearn for him, to stop being angry and just sit with him for so long, and now I had no choice. I just drifted in the pool trying not to think of all the homework I should be doing and then my mind was finally clear, and I realized how long it had been since I had felt clear. My heart had been broken and muddy for so long and now in the silence of a beautiful day I see how easy it would be to hear him if only I would let him move me in the direction he wanted me to go. I had been so busy fighting the current of my life for so long that when I finally let go and give him the reigns it would figure it would happen literally and figuratively. I was laying on the raft being floated in the pool not pushing hard, just hoping to float into direct sunlight, and had I tried to do it myself I would end up chasing the sunlight in circles around the pool, totally exhauated. Yet, when I laid there praying and allowed my mind, soul, and spirit to let go the sun stayed on my and when it left it was never for very long. Today was the most relaxing day I havd had in close to a year. All thanks to God's intentional warmth, sunlight, and freedom to love and be loved. I did end up having an incredible day with David too, we talked for hours about God in that pool floating around together, feeling closer than we had in months.

Being Broken

I always knew that when those that loved me, and had gone before me, said married life would be hard they were wrong. We were both right, its even harder than I could have ever imagined. But, not in the way I feared. You see I was always afraid that once I got married that being in love would somehow dissapear as it had for my parents and so many people I know. But that was not the case, it was all the attacks that come from the enemy that make for such a hard time. I have never loved anyone the way I love my David. I fall more in love with him each and every single day. In fact, when I think about being married, I am filled with such a peace and joy that I could never describe in words. It is only because I listened to God when deciding who to marry that I am able to speak with such certianty now when I say, no matter how much pain our first year has held, I would not trade a minute that I have spent with God's greatest gift to me, my husband. Our first year seems to have been filled with one attach after another, often leaving us to wonder what we had done wrong. We have spent so much time crying, pleading, yelling and praying together, that though I thought I would never stop being angry with God, it seems he has only left me with wide-eyed wonder at his mercy and grace. I have spent many a night crying into my pillow curled up on the floor only to discover that it was more than me and my husband there. God was actually holding us, he had to, many times there was no way for us to go on, there was none of our strength left. Now, being as broken as I am, I can only sense the Lord's presence and his peace. I guess that is what it means to be beautifully broken.