Getting a Suntan in a Rainstorm

I turned 24 this week and there was nothing really special about it except the year it represented. All the years before has a lot of meaning behind them. When you turn 16, its a license, 18, means your an adult, 21 means you can drink, not that any of us would do that!! And then the next few years seem to blur, but its in these years that real growth takes place. In the past year so much growth has taken place in my life that I scarcely know where to begin. My sweet family made this birthday so incredible that as I look around at them and the experiences of the past year I am forced to say that I am now grateful for the growing pains. I got a present every day for a week before my birthday from David, they were all small with the exception of a few, but by the end of the week as I looked each day at how much thought he had put into what I wanted and how much better he knew me this year that the last I was so blown away. Things I had only mentioned once he had really listened to and heard my heart on. By the time my birthday came I felt like royalty and was floating on air! We got up on my birthday, went to lunch and then I went and spent some quality time in my in-laws pool, just me and Melanie's dog Betsey. Its funny, how this year my birthday fell on a wednesday and all those closest to me either had to work, or were out of town so I sat by myself and let the pool relax me to the point of falling asleep.
When I woke up I was so relaxed and the water was so warm that I just began to talk to God as I never had before. After months of asking him to hear me, of asking to hear him, of feeling so much and so little all at the same time there was a settling in my spirit as I looked back with the Lord on what he had brought me through in my 23rd year and it is a miraculous testimony to his love, kindness, and ability to bring me back time and again from the worst of pits. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the Lord's presence, as I floated around the pool not caring which way I floated and then I looked up and it was as though the sky was split strait down the middle. One side was gorgeous clear blue with puffy white clouds, while the other was dark gray with looming dark clouds heavy with rain. Normally I would be upset, but I had been in the sun for several hours and though the clouds were moving in the air had cooled and my face had stopped burning. So, I just smiled and realized the beauty of this situation. It was perfect symbolism for my year. I has so many storms that loomed overhead, chilling the air and threatening to ruin what I wanted. But, in the end, I still had a beautiful time, a beautiful story and through it all I could feel the warmth of the Son on my face. I even got a little color/burn on my cheeks, even if I did have to reapply sunscreen twice, after all, the enemy doesn't fight fair, but God always shines through in the end.

I Am in Need of a Wedding Dress Once Again...

I had to have surgery again for the second time in 5 months, but I wasn't all that surprised or upset this time. For months before my wedding I thought my family would be able to give me this extravegent, expensive, glamorous, over the top wedding so anything less seemed disappointing. Then as the day grew closer and it became more and more obvious that this would be impossible I realized that my expectations and dreams that I had always had for my wedding were crumbling. I mourned these childhood bridal dreams for weeks, wondering how in the world I would start my future off right without marble in bathrooms at the reception?!?! I then had a conversation or 6 with my mother-in-law, future husband, and several of my girls about what a beautiful wedding really was. The reality of it was a beautiful wedding is one in which the Bride and Groom are in love with God, each other, and are seeking to fulfill God's will in their life together. I had lost sight of what a real marriage was meant to be and needed reminding. As I became more aware of what it meant to truly be God's Bride, and David's, God's provision showed up in a way I did not expect and my wedding was beautiful. It was actually more than I had ever dreamed it could be, but I had to release my ideas, my plans, my desires, and then came the white dress I had always dreamed of. It was sparkly, flowing, and I looked just as I had always imagined I would, but the funny thing was I wasn't looking at me, I was looking at David. Our marriage was what I should have been focusing on all that time and finally getting my eyes off the details and onto a relationship.
Now I'm back in that place once again. I am so worried about the details of my life, the one that seem to be so imperfect, so off track, that the relationship that means the most is completely off. This time my mother-in-law, my husband, and my girls have all talked to me but it would seem that I need something that they cannot give me. I need to see God move, but I guess he wants to change my way of looking at the world, at relationships, at my calling, and most of all at Him. Can you really see what someone is trying to tell you, who they are, or where the relationship is going, whether with God or a loved one, if you don't see them for exactly who they are, ya know, without all the bells and whistles, just you, and them (and of course the sparkly dress)?

I'm Tired of Sucking it Up

What do you do when it seems like every part of your life is a question? I have felt for so long that I am floating through the air with no direction, no ability to discern what move to make next, or if what I believe I'm supposed to do is actually what God has planned. It is though I have been blindfolded, and left in a dark room with no door knobs. I vaguely hear voices in the distance telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, saying all the things I should think, feel, or have the courage to do, telling me that they have all been there, that I'm not alone, telling me to listen and if I would only do all the things that they tell me then I would feel better no matter how bad the circumstances.
This has not worked for me so far, in fact, all I feel like doing is saying to all of these loving and well meaning people is, I do feel alone, no I don't think you understand, no, you have not been exactly where I am, and yes, I love you even if I have a really hard time showing it. Please, just tell me that your sorry that I'm hurting and that you love me. Most of the time I need someone to comfort me. I am so tired of advice, and it does not mean I don't want their imput or advice at all, it just means I don't always want to hear that I need to suck it up. When you feel alone, most of the time, you end up wanting just that. I am so worn out on hearing my loved ones tell me that when God teaches me all that he wants to, when I am listening just right, when I stop fighting, when I become content in all that I'm going through that it will all get better. That may never happen! Where does that leave me?!
I used to want to go out, cook, clean, spend time with family, go shopping, and in these recent months as my ability to fight off the attacks of the enemy has grown weaker, I have desired these things less and less. I was finally able to spend some time with my Mom this past week and was able to see the glimpses of who I know I am. I know that all this stress and pressure have brought out things in me that I would never see otherwise, but when do the blessings mingle in with all of the pain? I have worked the past couple of days on trying to focus only on the day and not all the looming questions ahead of me, but its so hard. I know I will get back to a place with God that I can hear his voice again, it just seems so far away. I try so hard to hear my loved ones, but with all of their voices, its hard to figure out which one is God's.

Friends and Weddings

What an incredible weekend I spent with my husband and my friends. It was so full of emotion, love, laughter, fellowship, joy, and many other feelings that have no words. There is just something about being in a wedding of someone you love that brings out the best and worst in all involved. I saw such kindness and sacrifice as we all made sure that everything was perfect. I has many urges to do what I wanted to, but all were forgotten when I realized that Dani needed me. I enjoyed so much seeing her join her life with Chris's life and it brought back so many memories of my own wedding. David and I could not stop staring at each other all weekend as we were taken back to our wedding day just over a year earlier.

The beauty of seeing two of God's children join their lives and dedicate their lives to each other and to his service is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever been blessed to witness. These beautiful women who love God so much and have so much passion to serve him are some of the most amazing women I have ever known. This Danielle, This Cecilia, This Joy Renee', This Katherine, and I are all allowed to know bring such blessings to each other lives and when we are around each other something very beautiful happens. It is as though a part of us comes alive that is not when we are not around each other. I never laugh as hard or feel as encouraged as when I am around these women and when one of us gets married it brings such joy that I can only praise God for how beautiful he is. No friendship is truly a friendship unless you know these things for certian, that the person loves you, that even if you hurt each other there is forgiveness, that there is trust, and you can laugh with, confide in and pray with each other. I have found this to be true about these incredible women along with my incredible husband. I am blessed beyond measure.

The Beauty of Marriage

There are some moments in marriage that make all other moments in life seem utterly unimportant. My favorite times in my whole life have been with this incredible man that God has given me. I look at all of the moments in my life when I really felt like God moved, when I really felt the Lord speak and heard his voice and the most incredible of these have all been since the day I met my husband. I look at him and see so many things. I see such love, kindness, beauty, light, patience, an incredible sense of discernment, a depth to his walk with God that inspires me and challenges me so much and on top of all of this there is such a rich connection. A connection so strong that at times there are no words to describe it, and sitting here now I find that these words are still not enough. I tend to look at the bad in most things, what I call realistic, my husband call pessimism. But when I look at him, yes, I can see the flaws, but they are of no consequence. I see the beauty in life, the good in the world, what hope can look like(something I usually lack), and all that I want to be when I am in David's presence. What I find so compelling is that when I am in his presence he leaves me wanting to do nothing but be in God's presence. I believe there is no greater blessing outside of a relationship with my Lord Jesus that to be loved this way. I am forced now, to look through all of the hurt of the past months through the eyes of this love, and its picture is much more beautiful that I realized. God has so many things to teach me through a union that is meant to look like his relationship with the church. I am truly a blessed woman, because my marriage does look this way, even with all of its flaws, I know what it means to be loved, and loved well.

Mean Girls

I think I was lured into a false sense of security. I was starting to think that things were going well with the women around me, but I forgot about one very important fact, there are bullies everywhere. There is always someone within almost every group who does not like others to be happy and will do almost anything to ruin that. I really felt that I was starting to make progress at work and that the girls were really starting to feel good about themselves. I saw such amazing changes in how they interacted with each other, they all seemed to care so much and had begun to let go of old grudges and then....the bullies. They seem to thrive on breaking up good relationships, intentionally hurting people for the very satisfaction of it, and have no true depth to their own relationships. I found myself being so angry, that I forgot to realize who my fight is with. My fighting all these months against pain, against people who hurt other people, against people who hurt me, against discomfort, against loss, but they all came anyway.

I had to realize something that I still have a hard time believing. These things will always come, and I have something new to learn from them each time they do. There are different reasons they come, to produce spiritual growth, an attack from the enemy, to produce humility or bring awareness of our desperate need for God, and many others. Over the past year these troubling situations have come into my life for all of these reasons. I desire to learn things so much, but have this crazy need for things to be logical. The trouble with this being that when God moves in our lives or asks us to do something it is almost never logical, God's logic is not ours. All that to say that when people do and say terrible, demeaning, and devisive things I can let it produce a varying number of results. These mean people, or bullies, allow the enemy to use gossip, malice, and anger to inflict any number of attrocities on those around them. Yet, if we look closely we can allow it to change our hearts and minds in ways that these bullies nor the enemy could expect. I can react to them with love, even it takes some time to calm down first! Because in truth, they do not know who they are and are not secure with who they are even if the do have some understanding of themselves.

I, on the other hand, with all my insecurities, do know who I am, I am God's daughter. With this understanding I am trying to approach these hurtful people because they are people who deserve our pity. They make me so angry, so hurt, so livid when they attack me and try to ruin my witness, but in the end, they are just people desperate to keep everyone's eyes on other people's flaws and away from their own. It also makes me think about how I react to others criticisms and corrections, do I throw everyone elses eyes to other peoples flaws or take this observation and look at it without attacking others. Though I do not always react well to correction, I hope to learn to avoid at all costs to not hurt others just because I am. The world does not need any more bullies, it has too many already.

Bouncing Back

I had thought my heart was having the hardest time bouncing back and wasn't paying much attention to it with all that has been going on lately. After all who has time to think about healing with being in grad school, tons of homework and papers, working full time, helping out at the church, and working hard to be a good wife and occasional friend!! Then I went to Howard Payne for graduation and spent some time relaxing. I cuddled with my husband, had deep conversations with my girls, laughed with them about lingerie and being married and ended up seeing myself again. I had felt for a very long time that I had become so hurt and broken that I no longer had a grasp on what it meant to be a woman of God, to be Desiree'.
Then I was sitting there talking to Lexi and Cory and they asked me how I was dealing with all the hurt and suddenly I found myself speaking of God in a way that I never had before. I spoke of heartache and hurt so deep that those I spoke to were moved to tears though I was not, I spoke of forgiveness that only God the Father could do within me, and a deep desire to be victorious not only for myself but for all other women who have endured the same pain that I have. Cory is this tough and burly guy, used to being around convicts, and when I spoke of forgiving someone like that, he just bowed his head and smiled unable to speak. I finally realize that God is making me into a warrior. A fierce and beautiful warrior that will lead other warriors through journeys so amazing that we will only be left standing in awe. I know that for any truly hard job a great deal of determination, preparation, and labor is involved to become ready for what lies ahead. For what lies ahead is victory, and it comes to those willing to work for it. I have fought for a very long time against working so hard, it hurts so badly to do so. But, I feel a deep burden for other women, as though my victories are not just my own, but a victorie that we all must face. If I am not willing to fight for my own heart, my own future, my own needs and identity, then I will never be able to help them fight for their own. And my heart would always feel a longing within.

The God I Knew

I bounce back and forth between being angry and desiring with all my heart to forgive and loose all the fears and problems I have been holding so tightly to. What am I holding onto anyway? What is it that brings me home each day more hopeless than the day before? Is it my frustration with my work environment? maybe Is it my financial situation? likely Is it all this hurt and pain and anger I keep reliving and dwelling on because I just don't understand so many things in my life right now? Hmmmm..... I think I am onto something. When I don't understand something my first instinct is to question it until I am blue in the face. A lot of times that leads to understanding, but that is with homework, papers, relationships, and problems, but what about with actual people, and an actual God? What do I do when I do not understand or even want to understand some of the terribly hard actions and painful events that take place in my life? I have no logic that can explain these things, and I am the queen of logic! I have no understanding within me that says that all this pain and trouble lines up with the character of God. Maybe that is why I am so hurt, I feel like the God I knew, is no longer the God I see before me. Why would my God let me go through so much with not the slightest relief in sight? Why would he allow others decisions to so alter me that I am left utterly broken and wondering if I am capable of loving or helping anyone, including myself. Maybe its because I am utterly incapable of helping anyone, including myself, without God, which I have been trying to do for so long. Maybe its because we need to be able to help break each other, its what reminds us that we need to stay moldable, that way, the breaking is more rare. We are supposed to be clay in the potters hand, even when the Potter looks totally different than we expected, but how do we do that? I realize now, I have been as hard as cement, which made for some tough molding. No wonder God needed to take such drastic actions to move my stubborn heart. No, I did not deserve the pain inflicted on me by others, that I am still trying to work out. The only thing I can think of with that is that what others meant for harm God will turn into a beautiful testimony for women who have been through the same things. But, the other things, were God using one of the worst seasons of my life to prepare me to serve him. He desires me to be totally dependant on him, I am still trying to figure out why all the pain was necessary to make that point, if anyone has that one figured out, please let me know!!?

I am angry....

I feel like I cannot remember the last time I was not angry. I am so tired of believing that God will deliver me from this terrible job only to be left disappointed. Why would he leave me here to be in the same place I was assaulted in? The same place that leaves me with no time to spend with my husband or family? The same place that makes me work most nights? The same place that takes my Sundays? The same place that makes it near impossible to pay the bills? The same place that all I want is to be free from? It makes no sense to me! I need help understanding this, and instead all I am left with is anger. I am so hurt, and I hear that there is something I am supposed to learn, to grasp, to hear, and if only I would just get that, I would be able to move on. I have nothing left and I'm tired of advice. If there is something I have missed and am supposed to get, would someone please tell me?! I have never been so disappointed in the Lord, and I know we are not supposed to say that, but I truly feel like this. Where is he?

The Ugly Side of Cosmetics

I work day in and day out at a cosmetics counter. The expectation to be perfect and look perfect is overwhelming and some days are harder than others. Today was a hard day. I was unable to wear much makeup due to my sunburn and when I left the house I felt pretty good about how I looked. But, when I got to work I got quite a few comments about how I needed more makeup, a better tan, a skinnier body and a number of other small comments that take place all the time when your profession is based on your appearance. The girls didn't mean to hurt my feelings they are just used to the kind of beauty that comes from relentless, painstaking work spent on the superficial. When someone does not always put in this kind of effort that is considered essential, it seems foreign to them. So, I came home brokenhearted and feeling ugly. Yet, it occurs to me that nothing about who I am on the outside changes the beauty that God has placed within me. When all the working out, sunless tanner, makeup, manicures, pedicures, hair-dye, tight clothes, plastic surgeries and wrinkle fighting creams are stripped away all that is left is more than enough. Yes, my heart still hurts, it hurts a great deal, but the identity I have in Christ is what defines me. To be defined by the opinions and expectations of others would be to do God and my husband a great disservice. For they both think I am absolutely beautiful, and rejoice over me, and their opinions are the only ones that matter in the end.

The Life Raft

I woke up this morning early, really early, on my day off. Normally that would frustrate me, but not today. It was like Christmas, I did not sleep well, I tossed and turned all night, and all because I was finally getting a day with David! I was so sad though, because he ended up having to spend a couple of hours that we were supposed to use sitting by the pool to do his paper. So, I sat there in the warm water with nothing but nature to distract me, and that was when I finally heard God speak to my heart. He has longed for me to get excited about spending time with him, to yearn for him, to stop being angry and just sit with him for so long, and now I had no choice. I just drifted in the pool trying not to think of all the homework I should be doing and then my mind was finally clear, and I realized how long it had been since I had felt clear. My heart had been broken and muddy for so long and now in the silence of a beautiful day I see how easy it would be to hear him if only I would let him move me in the direction he wanted me to go. I had been so busy fighting the current of my life for so long that when I finally let go and give him the reigns it would figure it would happen literally and figuratively. I was laying on the raft being floated in the pool not pushing hard, just hoping to float into direct sunlight, and had I tried to do it myself I would end up chasing the sunlight in circles around the pool, totally exhauated. Yet, when I laid there praying and allowed my mind, soul, and spirit to let go the sun stayed on my and when it left it was never for very long. Today was the most relaxing day I havd had in close to a year. All thanks to God's intentional warmth, sunlight, and freedom to love and be loved. I did end up having an incredible day with David too, we talked for hours about God in that pool floating around together, feeling closer than we had in months.

Being Broken

I always knew that when those that loved me, and had gone before me, said married life would be hard they were wrong. We were both right, its even harder than I could have ever imagined. But, not in the way I feared. You see I was always afraid that once I got married that being in love would somehow dissapear as it had for my parents and so many people I know. But that was not the case, it was all the attacks that come from the enemy that make for such a hard time. I have never loved anyone the way I love my David. I fall more in love with him each and every single day. In fact, when I think about being married, I am filled with such a peace and joy that I could never describe in words. It is only because I listened to God when deciding who to marry that I am able to speak with such certianty now when I say, no matter how much pain our first year has held, I would not trade a minute that I have spent with God's greatest gift to me, my husband. Our first year seems to have been filled with one attach after another, often leaving us to wonder what we had done wrong. We have spent so much time crying, pleading, yelling and praying together, that though I thought I would never stop being angry with God, it seems he has only left me with wide-eyed wonder at his mercy and grace. I have spent many a night crying into my pillow curled up on the floor only to discover that it was more than me and my husband there. God was actually holding us, he had to, many times there was no way for us to go on, there was none of our strength left. Now, being as broken as I am, I can only sense the Lord's presence and his peace. I guess that is what it means to be beautifully broken.