Dear Conner,

"What do you mean my ovaries are failing?"
David and I had been married a little over a year when I got this news from my doctor.  I had been experiencing very severe lower back pain and went in to see the doctor who decided to run some tests.  Apparently my ovaries had grown so many cysts that each of them was 5 times their normal size and twisting in on themselves, thus causing the back pain.  I was devastated. David was speechless and had no idea how to comfort me.  I was 23. 

"What do we do?"
I asked my doctor. She promptly informed me that my best bet at saving my ovaries and giving myself any chance of children was to have surgery immediately.  So, 2 weeks later I went under the knife and when she showed me the pics of my deformed ovaries after the surgery I cried.
"What do we do now?" She told me I should try and have children right away. I was not ready for that at all and began looking for a fertility specialist to give me a second opinion. A close friend referred me to Dr. Dale Ehmer.  He ran so many tests on me I felt like a pin cushion. When the results of the test came back the diagnosis was daunting. 

"You have something called MTHFR."
What in the world is MTHFR?! Apparently it is a genetic abnormality that causes a great deal of trouble staying pregnant and leads to many miscarriages. I also apparently will need to be on aspirin every single day for the rest of my life due to the clotting issues that go with this disorder.  Pregnancy would be dangerous for me and for the baby.  I would need shots in my stomach every day of pregnancy and before to even be able to get pregnant. I spend several months grieving.

"Ok, I guess I don't want children then!"
I told this to David after another night of crying and decided to give up this dream. I worked my way through grad school, I started my counseling career and was beginning to accept the idea that I would have to adopt.  I could get pregnant but had seen a very close friend with the same disorder try for months at a time to get pregnant, have shots in her stomach every day, spend a great deal of money and only end up brokenhearted.

"David, I don't feel good, I think I'm sick."
I was miserable. I felt so aweful and apparently for good reason. I had a cold, a virus, a sinus infection and a baby in my tummy! I went to the doctor because I thought I might have the flu. I did not have the flu though I had several other issues and was in need of some serious antibiotics.  Dr. Georgekutty decided before she could give me the strong meds she wanted to be sure I was not pregnant. I promptly told her that this was not possible since and I wasn't even on shots! She laughed at me, took away my glass of sweet tea, filled it with water, and cried with me right there in the office.  She knew my fertility diagnosis and was thrilled for me.  I was less than thrilled. Ok, I was petrified! I was not ready for a child! I had just come to terms with not being able to have them! We can't afford a baby! I'm not ready!

"Babe, I can't have tea for 9 months!"
I went home right after the doctor appointment. She had given me some mild antibiotics that would take longer to heal me but would not harm the baby.  David was home that day taking care of me because I was so sick and I was so nervous about telling him.  I knew he had been wanting children for a long time but we had both agreed that we were not going to talk about trying until after he finished seminary. What do I say, how do I tell him, will he be excited? I was so scared. I got home and was carrying my chick-fil-a cup that was now filled with water. As I walk into the room David starts peppering me with questions. Are you ok? What did the doctor say? Do you have the flu? I sat down beside him and explained the different illnesses that I had and then exclaimed, "and Dr. Georgekutty took my sweet tea from me and told me I couldn't have any caffeine for the next 9 months!" It took him a minute to get it.

"Oh, baby, I'm gonna be a daddy! I am so happy!"
He teared up and asked me how I felt about it.  Now that I knew he was excited I had to face the fact that I was not. I was full of worry and fear.  Is the baby ok? Is the pregnancy ectopic? I had not been on shots, would that hurt the baby? I saw Dr. Ehmer that very same day and all those fears were squashed. The baby was fine. It was a miracle I had made it to 6 weeks with no shots. My health was good. The heartbeat was strong. I was gonna be a mom!

"I can't do this!"
I spent the next 6 weeks crying every day.  The shots in my stomach was extremely painful. My torse was covered in bruises. I was constantly nauseous or throwing up. Pregnancy was not a joy. I was severely depressed. I was so full of fear of being unable to be the mom I so desperately wanted to be. I was afraid I would loose the baby. I was certian I was not ready. God had decided otherwise.

"I'm bleeding."
I had just finished my first trimester and we had come home from church. We were changing clothes before eating lunch and I had begun to bleed. I was terrified once again. No longer was I afraid of the mother I would be but of loosing this beautiful child and not being able to be a mother at all. My week of bedrest gave me a great deal of time to think. I was being so selfish worrying about how my life would change, if I wanted this baby, if I could be a good mother, if, if, if, and God was trying to tell me that his love could overcome all of my fear.  My depression subsided along with the bleeding. I was off bedrest a week later and the sono showed that he was in perfect health. In fact, we found out during that visit that we were indeed having a he. I just knew we were having a girl and made the lady check twice just to be sure!

"This is really happening huah?"
My husband assured me that it most certianly was, and that while I was frightened, I was never alone. God had plans for us and for our son, who we chose to name Conner David. I look back now at all that I felt and went through in those 9ish months before I saw his face and cannot imagine feeling all of that when I look at him. When I see his face and hear him giggle I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.

Dear Conner,
Someday you will read what I am writing and see how you changed my life. You will know that I am flawed and that I was not ready for all that happened. You will also know that there is no one in the world I love more than you and your daddy. You make me a better person, you fill me with so much joy and happiness, you help me see God better. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. You will not always like me when I do what is best for you instead of what you want. But know this, above all else, there has never been a day in your entire life that I did not love you with all of my heart. I adore you. I learn from you. You are amazing. I tell you several times each day how much I love you. You don't understand what that means yet. You are only 4 months old. But someday you will understand what the word love means because through me God will show you in a million different ways. And someday when you understand what love is and are able to speak those words to me I will cry and tell you:
"I love you too, Conner."

At the End of Me

Most people become parents at some point in their lives. It could be because you did indeed have the child, adopted or became a beloved mentor to a child in need.  And not matter what I have heard others say, pregnant women are indeed parents! They become so when they no longer have any control over their bodies! This process is amazing and painful.  For some the process of pregnancy is a blissful experience and for others like myself it was pretty miserable. There are women who long to go through pregnancy no matter how miserable it might be for them and are unable to do so.  They are incredible women and face so much to adopt the children they have spent their whole life waiting to love.  I have even known couples who took on older or even adult children after they had gone through a trauma and were abandonded by their biological families.  However parenthood comes to you it is beautiful, painful, overwhelming, and one of God's greatest growing tools of all time. I remember telling David one night while I could not stop throwing up that I was pretty sure I would never make it as a parent if I could barely survive pregnancy! He laughed and told me he was sure I could make it through both.  There are some moments that I am so in awe of my beautiful baby boy that I can barely stand it.  And then there are those moments when I am praying that he will please sleep just a few extra hours today so I can get a moments peace and quiet. 
I confided in David that when I felt ready to go crazy that it made me feel like a bad mom and he once again laughed.  He told me that all parents get overwhelmed, tired and have secret desires for their children to magically understand how exhausted they are and give them a break.  He even said that while we will always love our children that we all have our days where we just want to take a day off from parenting. I am very glad I am not alone in needing a break once in a while.  I am also very glad that God never needs a break from me.  He is a dad all day every day just like us. But the difference, one of the many, is that he never gets tired of me.  He never stops loving and pursuing me no matter how disobedient or rebellious I am.  Oh, how grateful I am that I have God as my ultimate dad and that my son does as well.  That when I get tired, annoyed, angry, and feel as though I am at the very end of myself, this is where I find God the most. when I am wallowing in my failures and my weaknesses it is in God that I find my ability to love Conner the best.  When I think I am unable to give Conner all that he needs I am reminded that giving Conner all that he needs is not my job.  Yes, I am called to love him and care for him but it takes so much pressure off knowing that as I love him, hold him, comfort him, cherish him and do my very best to be the mommy he needs that in the end he is in God's loving arms all of the time.
My first mother's day is coming.  I am thrilled about it.  I have never loved any job I have had as much as I do being a mom.  No, it is not an actual job but the best description I can come up with to describe what I do in taking care of my Conner. I love him, care for him, feed him, change his very stinky diapers, play with him, sing to him, laugh with him and many times fall asleep next to him out of sheer exhaustion. He will not always be so small. He will grow and so will his needs. There will be times when I am at a loss and there are no words to say to comfort him. And during those times I will know that when his dad and I are at the end of ourselves our son will find a loving God.