Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink! Sometimes that is how I feel when searching for peace. For the longest time God has been drawing me closer to him in a way I have never experienced before. I have loved the joy of feeling his presence in a new way, of hearing his voice in a new way and yet there is something missing. His peace seems to hide from me to spite how much I read his word or pray. How is that possible!?! I know how it is possible. I am looking for the peace that the world gives. He does not give peace as the world does. His peace is supernatural. His peace is overwhelming. His peace does not however, block out all the pain and the uncertianty of life. Recently I got a call from Judd, my little brother. He was really struggling with a lot of things in his life and was seeking wisdom from me. I did give him some good advice or what I thought was good advice at the time but when we hung up I realized that I was speaking out of what I thought and not always what was best. I told him to let go of a person in his life that was meant to stay in his life because I didn't like the pain he was in. That is usually how we feel, if someone hurts someone I love I loose a great deal of my logic. (Something about my motherly instincts or some other such nonsense) ;)
When I saw Judd over Thanksgiving he kept talking to me about his struggles and this time I was determined to give Godly wisdom. I spent much of Thanksgiving day talking with him and our family about God and these varying conversations led to an amazing evening. That night the person I told him to let go of prayed with me to receive Christ. Oh, the grief and anger I felt toward myself at my brazen attitude in thinking I knew what was best. I usually try to spare those I love grief but God never makes that promise. It is through our selfless actions and loving others to spite our feelings that God works the most. I have seen him do the most amazing works in my life through my pain and grief. I felt the peace of God rest on me in those sweet moments as we were praying because I was letting go of me and taking hold of him. I was changed that day just as she was. We spend so much of our life angry at those who hurt us or those who hurt the ones we love. That anger is real and understandable and it is not wrong to be angry. It is what you do with that anger that determines whether it is sin or not. Do you take your anger to God and release your pain and cares to him or carry them around and make everyone around you miserable?
I have been quilty of letting my anger ruin me for periods of time. It is very painful and all consuming and so very NOT worth it! You and I all know people who live life this way. For a long time I was one of them! The slightest comment sends them over the edge. We walk on eggshells around them constantly afraid of being the object of their wrath. We don't want to be around them. We feel as though we can do nothing right in their eyes and eventually grow weary of trying to do so. The home I grew up in had this happen a lot and by the grace of God my family of origin no longer looks like this. Thankfully, because I have seen this firsthand and gone through it myself I am aware of when I am in danger and flee from it as fast as possible. I wish I could say my bitterness and anger leave immediately upon praying and forgiving them but it often takes days or weeks to get there. Nonetheless, I must start with me. My reactions to the actions of others are on no one but me. No one is responsible for me feelings but me. Others have the ability to influence them but in the end I they only have as much control over my life as I give them.
In order to feel the beautiful peace Christ gives to his followers I must be willing to be at peace with myself and others. How can I possibly find a peaceful and joyful existence when my heart is full of anger and ungodly expectations? No one will ever fully live up to my expectations and they should not have to! The sad truth is that it is impossible. So tonight I will put my grief, pain, resentment, strife, bitterness, expectations, hurt, fear and so much more to rest at the feet of the one who died to make me at peace with my creator. What I want does not help others, it does not bring peace, it only gives me my desires. To truly have the desires of my heart I need to seek God for what he desires and only then will his peace come.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Running
Sometimes it amazes me how hard it is to get out of my own head. I worry so much sometimes about the most rediculious things! Some things are worthy to be concerned about but should be prayed about and released and yet a number of sleepless nights remind me how much I need to seek God. I know a lot of us worry and the combination of being a wife, a mother, a counselor, and minister's wife all lend to this problem. I worry that I'm not doing enough to help David and Conner see how much I love them. I think about the problems others share with me and how I can help them. And of course let's not forget the dozens of teenagers that David and I work with, teach and pray for. And just when I think I am doing better a situation arrises that reminds me that I indeed run to so many other things and have so little grace for myself.
Most recently I have been worried about pleasing others. The need to make others around me happy and to like me has been consuming. As Christians we are all so hard on ourselves and others that it is nothing short of heartbreaking. I realized how much I worried about the opinions of others on Sunday when our pastor spoke of love and the kind of grace it takes to assume the best of others. What does it look like to assume the best of others? What does it look like to assume the best of me? It might be impossible to assume better of others if I cannot even be gracious and forgiving with myself! I so rarely think that I do anything well, that God sees me and loves me just as I am, that his love is enough to cover a multitude of sins. I so often find my mind running strait to being critical of all of my actions instead of seeing that I have done my best and given all that I have and that this is enough.
When speaking of love my pastor said that a study of marriages revealed that the happiest couples are the ones who don't see their spouse accurately. These couples look past the flaws in their partner and focus on the good. David has joked with me that I love him so much that sometimes I am blind to his flaws. I have told him that I am not blind but that I just focus on how amazing he is and all the mess fades into the background. So why can't I extend that kindness to myself more. See what God is doing in me that is good and enjoy them instead of only focusing on my weaknesses. What a beautiful joy that would be! If we are honest we can easily recall a recent offense in glaring detail. Wes spoke a few weeks ago about how we even keep lists of offenses in our minds that keep us from seeing what is good about others.
Think of the person who annoys you the most. What is so frustrating about them and how much easier your life would be without them. Now look at what is good about them. What they offer others and you. How they help you see how easily offended you are! For our 5 year anniversary I gave David a journal I had been keeping since we started dating that listed all the sweet things he has done over the years to love on me. When I think of his hurtful actions they just don't compare to his incredible love for me. We all get our hearts broken by many people over the years. Some of the offenses take a long time to heal and some heal quickly and all involve forgivness. It may even mean seeking to forget these hurts and focus of remembering the good in others. I think it is time that I find more grace in my heart for myself and others. It is time that I make a list of things that are good about those all around me and believe the best of them instead of the worst. What would your world look like if you believed the best of your spouse?
Your kids?
Your parents?
Your teachers?
Your coaches?
Your ministers?
Your siblings?
Yourself?
Most recently I have been worried about pleasing others. The need to make others around me happy and to like me has been consuming. As Christians we are all so hard on ourselves and others that it is nothing short of heartbreaking. I realized how much I worried about the opinions of others on Sunday when our pastor spoke of love and the kind of grace it takes to assume the best of others. What does it look like to assume the best of others? What does it look like to assume the best of me? It might be impossible to assume better of others if I cannot even be gracious and forgiving with myself! I so rarely think that I do anything well, that God sees me and loves me just as I am, that his love is enough to cover a multitude of sins. I so often find my mind running strait to being critical of all of my actions instead of seeing that I have done my best and given all that I have and that this is enough.
When speaking of love my pastor said that a study of marriages revealed that the happiest couples are the ones who don't see their spouse accurately. These couples look past the flaws in their partner and focus on the good. David has joked with me that I love him so much that sometimes I am blind to his flaws. I have told him that I am not blind but that I just focus on how amazing he is and all the mess fades into the background. So why can't I extend that kindness to myself more. See what God is doing in me that is good and enjoy them instead of only focusing on my weaknesses. What a beautiful joy that would be! If we are honest we can easily recall a recent offense in glaring detail. Wes spoke a few weeks ago about how we even keep lists of offenses in our minds that keep us from seeing what is good about others.
Think of the person who annoys you the most. What is so frustrating about them and how much easier your life would be without them. Now look at what is good about them. What they offer others and you. How they help you see how easily offended you are! For our 5 year anniversary I gave David a journal I had been keeping since we started dating that listed all the sweet things he has done over the years to love on me. When I think of his hurtful actions they just don't compare to his incredible love for me. We all get our hearts broken by many people over the years. Some of the offenses take a long time to heal and some heal quickly and all involve forgivness. It may even mean seeking to forget these hurts and focus of remembering the good in others. I think it is time that I find more grace in my heart for myself and others. It is time that I make a list of things that are good about those all around me and believe the best of them instead of the worst. What would your world look like if you believed the best of your spouse?
Your kids?
Your parents?
Your teachers?
Your coaches?
Your ministers?
Your siblings?
Yourself?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Dear Conner,
"What do you mean my ovaries are failing?"
David and I had been married a little over a year when I got this news from my doctor. I had been experiencing very severe lower back pain and went in to see the doctor who decided to run some tests. Apparently my ovaries had grown so many cysts that each of them was 5 times their normal size and twisting in on themselves, thus causing the back pain. I was devastated. David was speechless and had no idea how to comfort me. I was 23.
"What do we do?"
I asked my doctor. She promptly informed me that my best bet at saving my ovaries and giving myself any chance of children was to have surgery immediately. So, 2 weeks later I went under the knife and when she showed me the pics of my deformed ovaries after the surgery I cried.
"What do we do now?" She told me I should try and have children right away. I was not ready for that at all and began looking for a fertility specialist to give me a second opinion. A close friend referred me to Dr. Dale Ehmer. He ran so many tests on me I felt like a pin cushion. When the results of the test came back the diagnosis was daunting.
"You have something called MTHFR."
What in the world is MTHFR?! Apparently it is a genetic abnormality that causes a great deal of trouble staying pregnant and leads to many miscarriages. I also apparently will need to be on aspirin every single day for the rest of my life due to the clotting issues that go with this disorder. Pregnancy would be dangerous for me and for the baby. I would need shots in my stomach every day of pregnancy and before to even be able to get pregnant. I spend several months grieving.
"Ok, I guess I don't want children then!"
I told this to David after another night of crying and decided to give up this dream. I worked my way through grad school, I started my counseling career and was beginning to accept the idea that I would have to adopt. I could get pregnant but had seen a very close friend with the same disorder try for months at a time to get pregnant, have shots in her stomach every day, spend a great deal of money and only end up brokenhearted.
"David, I don't feel good, I think I'm sick."
I was miserable. I felt so aweful and apparently for good reason. I had a cold, a virus, a sinus infection and a baby in my tummy! I went to the doctor because I thought I might have the flu. I did not have the flu though I had several other issues and was in need of some serious antibiotics. Dr. Georgekutty decided before she could give me the strong meds she wanted to be sure I was not pregnant. I promptly told her that this was not possible since and I wasn't even on shots! She laughed at me, took away my glass of sweet tea, filled it with water, and cried with me right there in the office. She knew my fertility diagnosis and was thrilled for me. I was less than thrilled. Ok, I was petrified! I was not ready for a child! I had just come to terms with not being able to have them! We can't afford a baby! I'm not ready!
"Babe, I can't have tea for 9 months!"
I went home right after the doctor appointment. She had given me some mild antibiotics that would take longer to heal me but would not harm the baby. David was home that day taking care of me because I was so sick and I was so nervous about telling him. I knew he had been wanting children for a long time but we had both agreed that we were not going to talk about trying until after he finished seminary. What do I say, how do I tell him, will he be excited? I was so scared. I got home and was carrying my chick-fil-a cup that was now filled with water. As I walk into the room David starts peppering me with questions. Are you ok? What did the doctor say? Do you have the flu? I sat down beside him and explained the different illnesses that I had and then exclaimed, "and Dr. Georgekutty took my sweet tea from me and told me I couldn't have any caffeine for the next 9 months!" It took him a minute to get it.
"Oh, baby, I'm gonna be a daddy! I am so happy!"
He teared up and asked me how I felt about it. Now that I knew he was excited I had to face the fact that I was not. I was full of worry and fear. Is the baby ok? Is the pregnancy ectopic? I had not been on shots, would that hurt the baby? I saw Dr. Ehmer that very same day and all those fears were squashed. The baby was fine. It was a miracle I had made it to 6 weeks with no shots. My health was good. The heartbeat was strong. I was gonna be a mom!
"I can't do this!"
I spent the next 6 weeks crying every day. The shots in my stomach was extremely painful. My torse was covered in bruises. I was constantly nauseous or throwing up. Pregnancy was not a joy. I was severely depressed. I was so full of fear of being unable to be the mom I so desperately wanted to be. I was afraid I would loose the baby. I was certian I was not ready. God had decided otherwise.
"I'm bleeding."
I had just finished my first trimester and we had come home from church. We were changing clothes before eating lunch and I had begun to bleed. I was terrified once again. No longer was I afraid of the mother I would be but of loosing this beautiful child and not being able to be a mother at all. My week of bedrest gave me a great deal of time to think. I was being so selfish worrying about how my life would change, if I wanted this baby, if I could be a good mother, if, if, if, and God was trying to tell me that his love could overcome all of my fear. My depression subsided along with the bleeding. I was off bedrest a week later and the sono showed that he was in perfect health. In fact, we found out during that visit that we were indeed having a he. I just knew we were having a girl and made the lady check twice just to be sure!
"This is really happening huah?"
My husband assured me that it most certianly was, and that while I was frightened, I was never alone. God had plans for us and for our son, who we chose to name Conner David. I look back now at all that I felt and went through in those 9ish months before I saw his face and cannot imagine feeling all of that when I look at him. When I see his face and hear him giggle I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
Dear Conner,
Someday you will read what I am writing and see how you changed my life. You will know that I am flawed and that I was not ready for all that happened. You will also know that there is no one in the world I love more than you and your daddy. You make me a better person, you fill me with so much joy and happiness, you help me see God better. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. You will not always like me when I do what is best for you instead of what you want. But know this, above all else, there has never been a day in your entire life that I did not love you with all of my heart. I adore you. I learn from you. You are amazing. I tell you several times each day how much I love you. You don't understand what that means yet. You are only 4 months old. But someday you will understand what the word love means because through me God will show you in a million different ways. And someday when you understand what love is and are able to speak those words to me I will cry and tell you:
"I love you too, Conner."
David and I had been married a little over a year when I got this news from my doctor. I had been experiencing very severe lower back pain and went in to see the doctor who decided to run some tests. Apparently my ovaries had grown so many cysts that each of them was 5 times their normal size and twisting in on themselves, thus causing the back pain. I was devastated. David was speechless and had no idea how to comfort me. I was 23.
"What do we do?"
I asked my doctor. She promptly informed me that my best bet at saving my ovaries and giving myself any chance of children was to have surgery immediately. So, 2 weeks later I went under the knife and when she showed me the pics of my deformed ovaries after the surgery I cried.
"What do we do now?" She told me I should try and have children right away. I was not ready for that at all and began looking for a fertility specialist to give me a second opinion. A close friend referred me to Dr. Dale Ehmer. He ran so many tests on me I felt like a pin cushion. When the results of the test came back the diagnosis was daunting.
"You have something called MTHFR."
What in the world is MTHFR?! Apparently it is a genetic abnormality that causes a great deal of trouble staying pregnant and leads to many miscarriages. I also apparently will need to be on aspirin every single day for the rest of my life due to the clotting issues that go with this disorder. Pregnancy would be dangerous for me and for the baby. I would need shots in my stomach every day of pregnancy and before to even be able to get pregnant. I spend several months grieving.
"Ok, I guess I don't want children then!"
I told this to David after another night of crying and decided to give up this dream. I worked my way through grad school, I started my counseling career and was beginning to accept the idea that I would have to adopt. I could get pregnant but had seen a very close friend with the same disorder try for months at a time to get pregnant, have shots in her stomach every day, spend a great deal of money and only end up brokenhearted.
"David, I don't feel good, I think I'm sick."
I was miserable. I felt so aweful and apparently for good reason. I had a cold, a virus, a sinus infection and a baby in my tummy! I went to the doctor because I thought I might have the flu. I did not have the flu though I had several other issues and was in need of some serious antibiotics. Dr. Georgekutty decided before she could give me the strong meds she wanted to be sure I was not pregnant. I promptly told her that this was not possible since and I wasn't even on shots! She laughed at me, took away my glass of sweet tea, filled it with water, and cried with me right there in the office. She knew my fertility diagnosis and was thrilled for me. I was less than thrilled. Ok, I was petrified! I was not ready for a child! I had just come to terms with not being able to have them! We can't afford a baby! I'm not ready!
"Babe, I can't have tea for 9 months!"
I went home right after the doctor appointment. She had given me some mild antibiotics that would take longer to heal me but would not harm the baby. David was home that day taking care of me because I was so sick and I was so nervous about telling him. I knew he had been wanting children for a long time but we had both agreed that we were not going to talk about trying until after he finished seminary. What do I say, how do I tell him, will he be excited? I was so scared. I got home and was carrying my chick-fil-a cup that was now filled with water. As I walk into the room David starts peppering me with questions. Are you ok? What did the doctor say? Do you have the flu? I sat down beside him and explained the different illnesses that I had and then exclaimed, "and Dr. Georgekutty took my sweet tea from me and told me I couldn't have any caffeine for the next 9 months!" It took him a minute to get it.
"Oh, baby, I'm gonna be a daddy! I am so happy!"
He teared up and asked me how I felt about it. Now that I knew he was excited I had to face the fact that I was not. I was full of worry and fear. Is the baby ok? Is the pregnancy ectopic? I had not been on shots, would that hurt the baby? I saw Dr. Ehmer that very same day and all those fears were squashed. The baby was fine. It was a miracle I had made it to 6 weeks with no shots. My health was good. The heartbeat was strong. I was gonna be a mom!
"I can't do this!"
I spent the next 6 weeks crying every day. The shots in my stomach was extremely painful. My torse was covered in bruises. I was constantly nauseous or throwing up. Pregnancy was not a joy. I was severely depressed. I was so full of fear of being unable to be the mom I so desperately wanted to be. I was afraid I would loose the baby. I was certian I was not ready. God had decided otherwise.
"I'm bleeding."
I had just finished my first trimester and we had come home from church. We were changing clothes before eating lunch and I had begun to bleed. I was terrified once again. No longer was I afraid of the mother I would be but of loosing this beautiful child and not being able to be a mother at all. My week of bedrest gave me a great deal of time to think. I was being so selfish worrying about how my life would change, if I wanted this baby, if I could be a good mother, if, if, if, and God was trying to tell me that his love could overcome all of my fear. My depression subsided along with the bleeding. I was off bedrest a week later and the sono showed that he was in perfect health. In fact, we found out during that visit that we were indeed having a he. I just knew we were having a girl and made the lady check twice just to be sure!
"This is really happening huah?"
My husband assured me that it most certianly was, and that while I was frightened, I was never alone. God had plans for us and for our son, who we chose to name Conner David. I look back now at all that I felt and went through in those 9ish months before I saw his face and cannot imagine feeling all of that when I look at him. When I see his face and hear him giggle I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
Dear Conner,
Someday you will read what I am writing and see how you changed my life. You will know that I am flawed and that I was not ready for all that happened. You will also know that there is no one in the world I love more than you and your daddy. You make me a better person, you fill me with so much joy and happiness, you help me see God better. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. You will not always like me when I do what is best for you instead of what you want. But know this, above all else, there has never been a day in your entire life that I did not love you with all of my heart. I adore you. I learn from you. You are amazing. I tell you several times each day how much I love you. You don't understand what that means yet. You are only 4 months old. But someday you will understand what the word love means because through me God will show you in a million different ways. And someday when you understand what love is and are able to speak those words to me I will cry and tell you:
"I love you too, Conner."
Thursday, May 10, 2012
At the End of Me
Most people become parents at some point in their lives. It could be because you did indeed have the child, adopted or became a beloved mentor to a child in need. And not matter what I have heard others say, pregnant women are indeed parents! They become so when they no longer have any control over their bodies! This process is amazing and painful. For some the process of pregnancy is a blissful experience and for others like myself it was pretty miserable. There are women who long to go through pregnancy no matter how miserable it might be for them and are unable to do so. They are incredible women and face so much to adopt the children they have spent their whole life waiting to love. I have even known couples who took on older or even adult children after they had gone through a trauma and were abandonded by their biological families. However parenthood comes to you it is beautiful, painful, overwhelming, and one of God's greatest growing tools of all time. I remember telling David one night while I could not stop throwing up that I was pretty sure I would never make it as a parent if I could barely survive pregnancy! He laughed and told me he was sure I could make it through both. There are some moments that I am so in awe of my beautiful baby boy that I can barely stand it. And then there are those moments when I am praying that he will please sleep just a few extra hours today so I can get a moments peace and quiet.
I confided in David that when I felt ready to go crazy that it made me feel like a bad mom and he once again laughed. He told me that all parents get overwhelmed, tired and have secret desires for their children to magically understand how exhausted they are and give them a break. He even said that while we will always love our children that we all have our days where we just want to take a day off from parenting. I am very glad I am not alone in needing a break once in a while. I am also very glad that God never needs a break from me. He is a dad all day every day just like us. But the difference, one of the many, is that he never gets tired of me. He never stops loving and pursuing me no matter how disobedient or rebellious I am. Oh, how grateful I am that I have God as my ultimate dad and that my son does as well. That when I get tired, annoyed, angry, and feel as though I am at the very end of myself, this is where I find God the most. when I am wallowing in my failures and my weaknesses it is in God that I find my ability to love Conner the best. When I think I am unable to give Conner all that he needs I am reminded that giving Conner all that he needs is not my job. Yes, I am called to love him and care for him but it takes so much pressure off knowing that as I love him, hold him, comfort him, cherish him and do my very best to be the mommy he needs that in the end he is in God's loving arms all of the time.
My first mother's day is coming. I am thrilled about it. I have never loved any job I have had as much as I do being a mom. No, it is not an actual job but the best description I can come up with to describe what I do in taking care of my Conner. I love him, care for him, feed him, change his very stinky diapers, play with him, sing to him, laugh with him and many times fall asleep next to him out of sheer exhaustion. He will not always be so small. He will grow and so will his needs. There will be times when I am at a loss and there are no words to say to comfort him. And during those times I will know that when his dad and I are at the end of ourselves our son will find a loving God.
I confided in David that when I felt ready to go crazy that it made me feel like a bad mom and he once again laughed. He told me that all parents get overwhelmed, tired and have secret desires for their children to magically understand how exhausted they are and give them a break. He even said that while we will always love our children that we all have our days where we just want to take a day off from parenting. I am very glad I am not alone in needing a break once in a while. I am also very glad that God never needs a break from me. He is a dad all day every day just like us. But the difference, one of the many, is that he never gets tired of me. He never stops loving and pursuing me no matter how disobedient or rebellious I am. Oh, how grateful I am that I have God as my ultimate dad and that my son does as well. That when I get tired, annoyed, angry, and feel as though I am at the very end of myself, this is where I find God the most. when I am wallowing in my failures and my weaknesses it is in God that I find my ability to love Conner the best. When I think I am unable to give Conner all that he needs I am reminded that giving Conner all that he needs is not my job. Yes, I am called to love him and care for him but it takes so much pressure off knowing that as I love him, hold him, comfort him, cherish him and do my very best to be the mommy he needs that in the end he is in God's loving arms all of the time.
My first mother's day is coming. I am thrilled about it. I have never loved any job I have had as much as I do being a mom. No, it is not an actual job but the best description I can come up with to describe what I do in taking care of my Conner. I love him, care for him, feed him, change his very stinky diapers, play with him, sing to him, laugh with him and many times fall asleep next to him out of sheer exhaustion. He will not always be so small. He will grow and so will his needs. There will be times when I am at a loss and there are no words to say to comfort him. And during those times I will know that when his dad and I are at the end of ourselves our son will find a loving God.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
We All Have Those Days.......
We all have those days. You know the ones I am talking about. You feel lonely. You feel like you cannot do anything right. You feel like you cannot say anything right. You are unsure of every action. Afraid that you will do something wrong. Like all you want to do is crawl under the covers and sleep and start all over tomorrow. Sure, these days usually coinside with my hormones but none the less it is days like this that I feel the presence of my savior the most. I curl up in a ball, pull the covers over my head and wait. And it is in the quiet place I hear him speak healing into the pain. Today was Easter. I love Easter so much. We celebrate something the world says is impossible. Christ died and rose again. He overcame sin and death. Today in his sermon my pastor spoke of the horrible pain that he endured but also the pain and dispair that his disciples and followers felt when he died. They felt lost and abandoned. Their grief was almost unbearable. It must have been the worst 3 days of their lives. Their entire lives were turned upside down and their heart was not just broken, it was crushed. They must have thought they would never know joy again. And just when they thought they could not bear it another minute.....he rose.
There have been days and even weeks in my life I was just certian I would not recover from a deep emotional wound that I received. I walked around like a zombie barely registering what was happening around me. And then one day I would wake up to the whispers of my sweet Savior. He would speak right into the pain and bring healing in the way only he can. My Jesus heals wounds in such a way that we are able to look back at the scars and find beauty within them. As I look back at the many scars I have accumulated over the years I see the way my sweet heavenly Father was breaking down all my walls, tearing down my hard fought pride, and removing my heart of stone. God uses our pain to mold us into the beautiful image of his son. In order to look like Jesus we must go through a great deal of pain. In the world pain produces anger, bitterness, resentment and vindictivness. Isn't it amazing that pain for the believer produces such beautiful things. We cannot live as though we have no hope. When we are broken Christ uses those times to show us that through him we will rise again.
So the next time I find myself wallowing in self pity no matter how much I feel like I deserve to sit in my pain I will remember that I have hope. I have a Savior that not only hurt and suffered but overcame in a way that ensured that we would be able to overcome any hurt and suffering we go through. As my pastor said this morning: the worst day in history and the best day in history were only a day apart. So the next time I have one of those days I will go to a quiet place, pull the covers over my head and cry knowing that in this pain there is hope. And from this pain I will be renewed and most of all....I will rise. And so will you.
There have been days and even weeks in my life I was just certian I would not recover from a deep emotional wound that I received. I walked around like a zombie barely registering what was happening around me. And then one day I would wake up to the whispers of my sweet Savior. He would speak right into the pain and bring healing in the way only he can. My Jesus heals wounds in such a way that we are able to look back at the scars and find beauty within them. As I look back at the many scars I have accumulated over the years I see the way my sweet heavenly Father was breaking down all my walls, tearing down my hard fought pride, and removing my heart of stone. God uses our pain to mold us into the beautiful image of his son. In order to look like Jesus we must go through a great deal of pain. In the world pain produces anger, bitterness, resentment and vindictivness. Isn't it amazing that pain for the believer produces such beautiful things. We cannot live as though we have no hope. When we are broken Christ uses those times to show us that through him we will rise again.
So the next time I find myself wallowing in self pity no matter how much I feel like I deserve to sit in my pain I will remember that I have hope. I have a Savior that not only hurt and suffered but overcame in a way that ensured that we would be able to overcome any hurt and suffering we go through. As my pastor said this morning: the worst day in history and the best day in history were only a day apart. So the next time I have one of those days I will go to a quiet place, pull the covers over my head and cry knowing that in this pain there is hope. And from this pain I will be renewed and most of all....I will rise. And so will you.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Listening to the Laughter
My shift with Conner started 2 hours ago. David fell asleep 1 hour ago. He started laughing in his sleep 30 minutes ago. I have been smiling for 30 minutes. Conner's laugh sounds like his daddy's. He has been doing it for the last few nights and I have yet to tell him for fear that if he knows he is doing it he might stop. Sometimes stress gets to us and we forget to take time to laugh or remember how good life can be. I found myself laughing really hard for the first time in what seems like weeks. With the baby struggling to sleep and my love of sleep clashing it makes it very hard to be cheery. He makes me overwhelmed with joy and yet the needs he has are sometimes exhausting. And just when I think I don't have any strength to go on he will look at me and smile and somehow I can keep going. Never are we more aware of our selfishness that when we have children. David told me he realized his selfishness just a week after having Conner. I had been up with him all day and into the night and by 4am I had reached a breaking point. I woke David up to get some help and he complained for several minutes. I left the room and continued to take care of Conner while crying. He came into the room and said, "Wow, I never realized how selfish I was till we had Conner, I'm sorry, please go lay down and I will take him."
Before we had him our schedule was full of things like, school, homework, date nights, sleeping in, taking naps, dinner out with friends, and of course ministry in all its many forms. We went where we wanted to when we wanted to. We slept in on Saturdays and made pancakes. We went to late movies. Those things seem like distant memories. I do miss them at times but for some reason they pale in comparison to nights in with my boys. Before we got pregnant I heard friends talk about their lives before and after children and it did not sound exciting. I was missing the reason the change is so wonderful. Never have David and I been closer and never have I loved another person so much as I do now. I was afraid that children would mean that David and I would not be as close but the truth is just the opposite. We have never been closer or needed each other more than we do now. We are so in love with the little person that God has given us and this love has made all the difference.
Now when I need help David is quick to offer it. He even does it without being asked most of the time. God has changed him and me for the better in so many ways. I find myself amazed at all the changes that have taken place in just a few short months. I'm awake listening for the cry of my son. I even hear babies crying when I'm alone. I never thought I had what it took to be and parent and there are still days where I don't. But, God knows my fears and has given me all the tools I need to be the wife and mommy he has asked me to be. You see, alone I am incapable of loving David or Conner the way they need, but when God does it through me I can be more than adequate. I can be excellent, amazing, beautiful, kind, patient, joyful, patient, loving, nurturing and even selfless. When God does it through me it is so incredible that I cannot help but stop and smile. Or better still listen to the laughter and laugh right along with it.
Before we had him our schedule was full of things like, school, homework, date nights, sleeping in, taking naps, dinner out with friends, and of course ministry in all its many forms. We went where we wanted to when we wanted to. We slept in on Saturdays and made pancakes. We went to late movies. Those things seem like distant memories. I do miss them at times but for some reason they pale in comparison to nights in with my boys. Before we got pregnant I heard friends talk about their lives before and after children and it did not sound exciting. I was missing the reason the change is so wonderful. Never have David and I been closer and never have I loved another person so much as I do now. I was afraid that children would mean that David and I would not be as close but the truth is just the opposite. We have never been closer or needed each other more than we do now. We are so in love with the little person that God has given us and this love has made all the difference.
Now when I need help David is quick to offer it. He even does it without being asked most of the time. God has changed him and me for the better in so many ways. I find myself amazed at all the changes that have taken place in just a few short months. I'm awake listening for the cry of my son. I even hear babies crying when I'm alone. I never thought I had what it took to be and parent and there are still days where I don't. But, God knows my fears and has given me all the tools I need to be the wife and mommy he has asked me to be. You see, alone I am incapable of loving David or Conner the way they need, but when God does it through me I can be more than adequate. I can be excellent, amazing, beautiful, kind, patient, joyful, patient, loving, nurturing and even selfless. When God does it through me it is so incredible that I cannot help but stop and smile. Or better still listen to the laughter and laugh right along with it.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Every Single Word
Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
My husband told our youth a couple of years ago something that stuck with me so profoundly that I share it with as many people as I can. He said that every single word out of our mouth has the potential to be discouraging or encouraging. EVERY SINGLE WORD! I believe he got this idea from a book he was reading and I will ask him when he wakes up who that author is but WOW! A word as simple as yes or no can be discouraging! It is all in the way you say it, the inflection in your voice, the expression on your face, the stance your body takes that says so much more than that one word ever could. I think about the things I have said today and how I said them and am certian I was not encouraging the whole time. Yet, this should be the goal. Even when we are correcting a child, a friend, or a co-worker the attitude should be the same, loving and encouraging. Yet, we are so mean to each other! When did sarcasm become an entire language!?! Joking can be fun and even funny but if we are honest the kind of joking that usually takes place is small jabs at each other followed by a quick "I was only joking!" to make the other person feel as though they are too sensitive instead of us realizing that we are being hurtful. I came across a verse I read often in Proverbs 26 that says:
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"
By using hurtful words we are literally throwing death! As my former pastor used to say, if you can't say amen, say ouch! You can say I'm being too harsh but take the time to think about the words spoken to you in the name of joking. A snide comment about your weight, or your hair, the job you do, the friends you have, the way you see the world. We belittle each other so often that it has become a way of life. I believe with all of my heart that when I stand before my Savior he will hold me accountable not only for all of my actions but every careless word I have spoken. This gives me goosebumps just thinking about all the things I have said in passing that may have hurt others simply because I was not thinking. There is a reason the Bible says the tongue is evil! We have to be paying attention all the time to our mouth. When someone becomes careless with their words it is like saying that they do not care what comes out of their mouth or what it does to those around them. How sad that we as Christians are often the most guilty of this. A Christian friend once told me after I shared this with them that they could never stop being sarcastic because it was too much a part of who they were. May we never become so set in a way of doing things that we are unable to change and grow.
We all have an area of our speech that needs work. I am often so pessimestic that I feel like I'm choking on my negativity. As I write this I find myself saddened that I still struggle with this after all these years of seeing God come through in my life and if I am like most I will battle this area most if not all of my life. God has so much to say to the world through his children about so many things, but especially about how much he loves them. It is impossible to be loving and hateful at the same time! Are we up to the task? Or will we spend all of our time trying to be witty at the expense of others? I guess what I am saying all boils down to this:
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
My husband told our youth a couple of years ago something that stuck with me so profoundly that I share it with as many people as I can. He said that every single word out of our mouth has the potential to be discouraging or encouraging. EVERY SINGLE WORD! I believe he got this idea from a book he was reading and I will ask him when he wakes up who that author is but WOW! A word as simple as yes or no can be discouraging! It is all in the way you say it, the inflection in your voice, the expression on your face, the stance your body takes that says so much more than that one word ever could. I think about the things I have said today and how I said them and am certian I was not encouraging the whole time. Yet, this should be the goal. Even when we are correcting a child, a friend, or a co-worker the attitude should be the same, loving and encouraging. Yet, we are so mean to each other! When did sarcasm become an entire language!?! Joking can be fun and even funny but if we are honest the kind of joking that usually takes place is small jabs at each other followed by a quick "I was only joking!" to make the other person feel as though they are too sensitive instead of us realizing that we are being hurtful. I came across a verse I read often in Proverbs 26 that says:
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"
By using hurtful words we are literally throwing death! As my former pastor used to say, if you can't say amen, say ouch! You can say I'm being too harsh but take the time to think about the words spoken to you in the name of joking. A snide comment about your weight, or your hair, the job you do, the friends you have, the way you see the world. We belittle each other so often that it has become a way of life. I believe with all of my heart that when I stand before my Savior he will hold me accountable not only for all of my actions but every careless word I have spoken. This gives me goosebumps just thinking about all the things I have said in passing that may have hurt others simply because I was not thinking. There is a reason the Bible says the tongue is evil! We have to be paying attention all the time to our mouth. When someone becomes careless with their words it is like saying that they do not care what comes out of their mouth or what it does to those around them. How sad that we as Christians are often the most guilty of this. A Christian friend once told me after I shared this with them that they could never stop being sarcastic because it was too much a part of who they were. May we never become so set in a way of doing things that we are unable to change and grow.
We all have an area of our speech that needs work. I am often so pessimestic that I feel like I'm choking on my negativity. As I write this I find myself saddened that I still struggle with this after all these years of seeing God come through in my life and if I am like most I will battle this area most if not all of my life. God has so much to say to the world through his children about so many things, but especially about how much he loves them. It is impossible to be loving and hateful at the same time! Are we up to the task? Or will we spend all of our time trying to be witty at the expense of others? I guess what I am saying all boils down to this:
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Children Do Not Exist For Our Ease And Comfort
Sometimes I sit here and watch him sleep and am overwhelmed by the love I feel. Since the moment I heard his heartbeat I have been in love with him. Yes, I was scared, overwhelmed and unable to understand all that it meant to be a mother. To be a parent is a daunting task. To be trusted by God to raise up his child in a manner that pleases him should make us feel overwhelmed. It is an impossible task without his help!
I read an article today about women desiring to have post birth abortions and was overwhelmed with grief. This is the opposite of what it means to be a parent in every possible way. I cannot imagine loosing him without my stomach hurting. The heart of our God beats for his children. His love for us knows no end and is not based on our actions. A dear friend recently found out early on in her pregnancy that her child had a heart defect. This defect was very serious and life threatening. Aborting her pregnancy never entered her mind. This was her child, her beautiful baby boy and a gift from God. He was born and immediately went into surgery. He spent 3 months in the hospital afterwards. They barely slept. He consumed their thoughts and prayers. They held him. They cared for him. They cried with him. They felt all of his pain as though it were their own. They cannot imagine a life without him. They are his parents.
Right before we had Conner we visited them in the hospital. Things were hard and painful but that was not the point. They were not focused on themselves but their child. Their needs no longer came first. When making decisions about their family what was easiest no longer factored into the equation. Children do not exist for our ease and comfort. They are a gift to be cared for, nurtured, loved, cherished and most of all protected. In them David and I saw the kind of parents we wanted to be and were awed by their love for their child. I believe with all my heart that the love God has for us is sacrificial and that the love for our children and others should be just that. I cannot imagine love existing without sacrifice. (Thank you Wes Terry!) Christ died because he loved us and continues to love us. I cannot imagine my savior saying that my needs are too great. That he is unwilling to take care of me because I did not turn out to be what he wanted or expected. He died because I was not able to atone for my own sins. I have never been able to take care of myself, meet my own needs, or be of use to anyone without Christ. I believe God gives us children for many reasons and one of those reasons is to understand how much he loves us and how desperately we need him. He does not walk away when things are difficult or painful. He does not say that our needs are too great. He meets our needs. He never leaves us. He hears our prayers. He counts our tears. He is our Dad and we are his children. May we all aspire to be the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.
I read an article today about women desiring to have post birth abortions and was overwhelmed with grief. This is the opposite of what it means to be a parent in every possible way. I cannot imagine loosing him without my stomach hurting. The heart of our God beats for his children. His love for us knows no end and is not based on our actions. A dear friend recently found out early on in her pregnancy that her child had a heart defect. This defect was very serious and life threatening. Aborting her pregnancy never entered her mind. This was her child, her beautiful baby boy and a gift from God. He was born and immediately went into surgery. He spent 3 months in the hospital afterwards. They barely slept. He consumed their thoughts and prayers. They held him. They cared for him. They cried with him. They felt all of his pain as though it were their own. They cannot imagine a life without him. They are his parents.
Right before we had Conner we visited them in the hospital. Things were hard and painful but that was not the point. They were not focused on themselves but their child. Their needs no longer came first. When making decisions about their family what was easiest no longer factored into the equation. Children do not exist for our ease and comfort. They are a gift to be cared for, nurtured, loved, cherished and most of all protected. In them David and I saw the kind of parents we wanted to be and were awed by their love for their child. I believe with all my heart that the love God has for us is sacrificial and that the love for our children and others should be just that. I cannot imagine love existing without sacrifice. (Thank you Wes Terry!) Christ died because he loved us and continues to love us. I cannot imagine my savior saying that my needs are too great. That he is unwilling to take care of me because I did not turn out to be what he wanted or expected. He died because I was not able to atone for my own sins. I have never been able to take care of myself, meet my own needs, or be of use to anyone without Christ. I believe God gives us children for many reasons and one of those reasons is to understand how much he loves us and how desperately we need him. He does not walk away when things are difficult or painful. He does not say that our needs are too great. He meets our needs. He never leaves us. He hears our prayers. He counts our tears. He is our Dad and we are his children. May we all aspire to be the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Flowers, Chocolate, and Presents Oh My!
I love Valentine's Day. I love everything about it. The flowers, the chocolates, the food, and the presents would make any woman swoon. And you would think they are the reason for my excitement but you would be wrong.
I was 15 and got dumped on Valentine's Day! It was terrible and it started my lengthy hatred for this sweetest of holidays. Every year after for the next 5 years I wholeheartedly loathed Valentine's Day and tried to ignore it and all the annoying couples celebrating it.
I met David on September 10th of my junior year in college. I was hurt and jaded from a bad breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. He had cheated on me the month before I met David. I was not looking for a relationship. Funny the things that stay with you. I remember what David was wearing when we met. I remember his passion for God and talking to him for hours. I remember dancing with him. I remember how good looking I thought he was to spite his dorky hat and flip flops that were waaaay too big. I remember how much I liked his truck. I remember how when I introduced myself he already knew who I was and how creepy I thought that was.
You see he had known who I was for over a year. He was roomates with a friend of mine and had heard me sing a solo in a Christmas musical. He had asked about me then. Chris promptly informed him that I was very taken. The night we met started so much in my life, and the beauty of it is I remember so much of it. I always prayed that I would know my husband when I met him. I certianly did. We met around 6 that night and did not stop talking till 6 the next morning. We knew this was something special. I was terrified. Our friends were concerned I was rebounding too fast and we put off dating seriously for 5 months. He kept pursuing me slowly and steadily and would not give up to spite my hesitation and fears. Then we felt ready to move forward around the beginning of February. He said he was going to make Valentine's Day very special and it would signify the beginning of our exclusivity.
He said to pack for a weekend in the metroplex. No I didn't need anything dressy, it was to be a relaxed weekend. We would be spending time in his hometown with his family. I woke up on the Friday morning we were supposed to leave to a very early phone call. There was a delivery for me downstairs that I needed to come and sign for. I took my sleepy self to the bottom of the dorms to find a delivery of beautiful tulips waiting for me. There was also an adorable stuffed dog wearing a red sweater with the words "Happy Valentine's Day Desiree" embroidered on it. I was so excited and if that had been all David had done it would have been wonderful. But he was not done, not by a long shot. We drove to Arlington strait to Ranger's stadium. Our first date had been to a Ranger's game that previous September and he wanted to remind me of how much fun we had so we took a tour of the ballpark. It was pouring down rain and I could not have cared less. We saw the locker rooms, the dugouts, the field, and kissed in the seats. He bought me a tee-shirt to remind me of the day. I was having so much fun and when I asked if we were going back to Mansfield he said it would be a while.
He then proceded to tell me how we were going to this amazing restaurant that night and since he had made sure I had nothing dressy to wear he was going to take me shopping! He bought me a beautiful black and white dress, sparkly shoes that I have to this day as a reminder, a purse, purfume and even jewelry. I was totally overwhelmed! When I asked him why he was doing all of this he said that he was tired of me not knowing how valuable I was and he was determined to show me how much he valued me. He had been saving for this weekend and making plans for it for months. When we went to dinner that night I was walking on air and a very cute pair of heels! We ate at this amazing italian restaurant and the food was incredible. Well, my food was, David ordered shrimp and was served a dish that consisted of 5 small shrimp and nothing more. He tried to play it off and act as though it would fill him up but in the end we laughed about it a lot and went to get him taco bell.
I still have pictures from that night. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I had never been treated so lovingly, thoughtfully, or beautifully before. David won my heart that Valentine's night. We were inseperable every day after that and engaged that December. Our next Valentine's he took me out to dinner and recited his proposal to me since I had been so overwhelmed during it that I had not heard a word he had said!
Each Valentine's gets better. Not because of gifts or chocolate but because from that day to this I have never wondered if I was loved and cherished. David has shown me a million times in a million ways that I am his beloved. To be loved so beautifully and thoroughly is such a rare gift and I am well aware of what a blessing it is. The pain of previous boyfriends and a very difficult relationship with my father all led to my complete misunderstanding of what love should look like. I had no concept of God's love and David told me that he saw it as his job to show me through our relationship how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It took a long time for me to trust my David fully. Each day is a step in my walk with God to see him as a loving father who wants the best for me and will never seek to hurt me. I would never have gotten to this place without my husband and his overwhelming passion and love for God and for me.
So each year we celebrate our love and the gift we have in each other. I am so grateful that he sought me, pursued me, loved me, cherished me, strengthened me, encouraged me, challenged me, served me, led me and continues to do so to this day. Because of my groom I see what the ultimate groom looks like and he is beautiful.
Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!
I was 15 and got dumped on Valentine's Day! It was terrible and it started my lengthy hatred for this sweetest of holidays. Every year after for the next 5 years I wholeheartedly loathed Valentine's Day and tried to ignore it and all the annoying couples celebrating it.
I met David on September 10th of my junior year in college. I was hurt and jaded from a bad breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. He had cheated on me the month before I met David. I was not looking for a relationship. Funny the things that stay with you. I remember what David was wearing when we met. I remember his passion for God and talking to him for hours. I remember dancing with him. I remember how good looking I thought he was to spite his dorky hat and flip flops that were waaaay too big. I remember how much I liked his truck. I remember how when I introduced myself he already knew who I was and how creepy I thought that was.
You see he had known who I was for over a year. He was roomates with a friend of mine and had heard me sing a solo in a Christmas musical. He had asked about me then. Chris promptly informed him that I was very taken. The night we met started so much in my life, and the beauty of it is I remember so much of it. I always prayed that I would know my husband when I met him. I certianly did. We met around 6 that night and did not stop talking till 6 the next morning. We knew this was something special. I was terrified. Our friends were concerned I was rebounding too fast and we put off dating seriously for 5 months. He kept pursuing me slowly and steadily and would not give up to spite my hesitation and fears. Then we felt ready to move forward around the beginning of February. He said he was going to make Valentine's Day very special and it would signify the beginning of our exclusivity.
He said to pack for a weekend in the metroplex. No I didn't need anything dressy, it was to be a relaxed weekend. We would be spending time in his hometown with his family. I woke up on the Friday morning we were supposed to leave to a very early phone call. There was a delivery for me downstairs that I needed to come and sign for. I took my sleepy self to the bottom of the dorms to find a delivery of beautiful tulips waiting for me. There was also an adorable stuffed dog wearing a red sweater with the words "Happy Valentine's Day Desiree" embroidered on it. I was so excited and if that had been all David had done it would have been wonderful. But he was not done, not by a long shot. We drove to Arlington strait to Ranger's stadium. Our first date had been to a Ranger's game that previous September and he wanted to remind me of how much fun we had so we took a tour of the ballpark. It was pouring down rain and I could not have cared less. We saw the locker rooms, the dugouts, the field, and kissed in the seats. He bought me a tee-shirt to remind me of the day. I was having so much fun and when I asked if we were going back to Mansfield he said it would be a while.
He then proceded to tell me how we were going to this amazing restaurant that night and since he had made sure I had nothing dressy to wear he was going to take me shopping! He bought me a beautiful black and white dress, sparkly shoes that I have to this day as a reminder, a purse, purfume and even jewelry. I was totally overwhelmed! When I asked him why he was doing all of this he said that he was tired of me not knowing how valuable I was and he was determined to show me how much he valued me. He had been saving for this weekend and making plans for it for months. When we went to dinner that night I was walking on air and a very cute pair of heels! We ate at this amazing italian restaurant and the food was incredible. Well, my food was, David ordered shrimp and was served a dish that consisted of 5 small shrimp and nothing more. He tried to play it off and act as though it would fill him up but in the end we laughed about it a lot and went to get him taco bell.
I still have pictures from that night. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I had never been treated so lovingly, thoughtfully, or beautifully before. David won my heart that Valentine's night. We were inseperable every day after that and engaged that December. Our next Valentine's he took me out to dinner and recited his proposal to me since I had been so overwhelmed during it that I had not heard a word he had said!
Each Valentine's gets better. Not because of gifts or chocolate but because from that day to this I have never wondered if I was loved and cherished. David has shown me a million times in a million ways that I am his beloved. To be loved so beautifully and thoroughly is such a rare gift and I am well aware of what a blessing it is. The pain of previous boyfriends and a very difficult relationship with my father all led to my complete misunderstanding of what love should look like. I had no concept of God's love and David told me that he saw it as his job to show me through our relationship how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It took a long time for me to trust my David fully. Each day is a step in my walk with God to see him as a loving father who wants the best for me and will never seek to hurt me. I would never have gotten to this place without my husband and his overwhelming passion and love for God and for me.
So each year we celebrate our love and the gift we have in each other. I am so grateful that he sought me, pursued me, loved me, cherished me, strengthened me, encouraged me, challenged me, served me, led me and continues to do so to this day. Because of my groom I see what the ultimate groom looks like and he is beautiful.
Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Labor and Growing Pains
It is 2am. I am sick. My throat hurts and I can only breath through one nostril. My whole body aches and I cannot move my neck to the right. I am hungry. I am exhausted. I have milk on my shoulder and pee on my shirt. My house is not clean. The laundry is not done. I have never been happier in my life. I am a wife. I am a mommy. I am not who I was just 6 weeks ago. I spent the first 5 and a half months of pregnancy sick and throwing up. He was so tall right before he was born that it was hard to breath. I woke up every night of my last month of pregnancy throwing up stomach acid. I was wondering how I would make it and why all of these women say it is wonderful and worth it. I had no idea what would happen to me or how God would completely change me in a matter of moments.
The pain was worse than I could have imagined. I screamed and cried. I swore I would as least not scream. He came out after only 45 minutes of pushing and Dr. Ehmer practically threw him onto my chest. He was crying and just as I had done for the past 9 months when he was fussy I sang to him. He was 1 minute old and it was all I could think of to do to soothe him. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me with these big beautiful dark blue eyes and all of a sudden I knew. I understood why women say it is worth it. I understood why women say having children is the most incredible experience a person can have. I understood why my husband was excited about children when I was just plain terrified. I understood why he said I would want another one someday even when I said that I would only have this one because pregnancy was so miserable. I understood a world of wisdom in a moment of singing to my beautiful child. Most of all I understood why God sent his son, and why people say you understand the love of God infinitely better when you have children. There is nothing I would not do for him. There is nothing he could do to change my love for him. I would die for him. God loves his children the very same way. My walk with God changed forever in an instant.
One hour after giving birth I started throwing up. My blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and I starting slurring my words. Apparently I was hemmoraging and didn't know it. We had always known it would be a possibility but thought we had taken all the necessary precautions. I was in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes. David was holding Conner and scared to death. He said he kept trying to talk to me and my words were more like gibberish. I lost a great deal of blood. It seems that my uterus did not contract after birth and had been hemmoraging into my abdominal cavity without us knowing it. Dr. Ehmer (the world's greatest doctor!) said he has never run from his office back to the hospital so fast. He and the nurses saved my life. I had no idea how close I came to death till one of the nurses was briefing the next nurse on duty and said to watch me close since they had almost lost me. I almost lost my life and during those scary moments all I could think of was how much I didn't want to leave my husband and son. How much I loved them and wanted to be there for them. Not a lot of people get to have so many a life changing moments so close together but I did. If I would have died to be able to have him in the world it was worth it.
There is so much selfishness that seems to die when looking into the face of your child. I listened to a wonderful sermon recently that talked about how true love is one of sacrifice. How parents sacrifice to give their children what they need. We let go of our desire for nice things so our children can have them. We loose sleep to confort them when they cry. We give time we never thought we had to be there for them. We give up what we want to be sure they can have what they need. God did this for us and I have never been so in awe of the cross as I am now. I asked God about a year ago to turn me into a different person. One who could sacrifice. Once who could love more and better than I thought possible. One who could hear his voice and share his love like never before. One who could serve him through ministry, counseling and writing in a way I had always dreamed. I was pregnant a month later. And I am certian that I want another one. God has a wonderful and ironic sense of humor.
The pain was worse than I could have imagined. I screamed and cried. I swore I would as least not scream. He came out after only 45 minutes of pushing and Dr. Ehmer practically threw him onto my chest. He was crying and just as I had done for the past 9 months when he was fussy I sang to him. He was 1 minute old and it was all I could think of to do to soothe him. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me with these big beautiful dark blue eyes and all of a sudden I knew. I understood why women say it is worth it. I understood why women say having children is the most incredible experience a person can have. I understood why my husband was excited about children when I was just plain terrified. I understood why he said I would want another one someday even when I said that I would only have this one because pregnancy was so miserable. I understood a world of wisdom in a moment of singing to my beautiful child. Most of all I understood why God sent his son, and why people say you understand the love of God infinitely better when you have children. There is nothing I would not do for him. There is nothing he could do to change my love for him. I would die for him. God loves his children the very same way. My walk with God changed forever in an instant.
One hour after giving birth I started throwing up. My blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and I starting slurring my words. Apparently I was hemmoraging and didn't know it. We had always known it would be a possibility but thought we had taken all the necessary precautions. I was in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes. David was holding Conner and scared to death. He said he kept trying to talk to me and my words were more like gibberish. I lost a great deal of blood. It seems that my uterus did not contract after birth and had been hemmoraging into my abdominal cavity without us knowing it. Dr. Ehmer (the world's greatest doctor!) said he has never run from his office back to the hospital so fast. He and the nurses saved my life. I had no idea how close I came to death till one of the nurses was briefing the next nurse on duty and said to watch me close since they had almost lost me. I almost lost my life and during those scary moments all I could think of was how much I didn't want to leave my husband and son. How much I loved them and wanted to be there for them. Not a lot of people get to have so many a life changing moments so close together but I did. If I would have died to be able to have him in the world it was worth it.
There is so much selfishness that seems to die when looking into the face of your child. I listened to a wonderful sermon recently that talked about how true love is one of sacrifice. How parents sacrifice to give their children what they need. We let go of our desire for nice things so our children can have them. We loose sleep to confort them when they cry. We give time we never thought we had to be there for them. We give up what we want to be sure they can have what they need. God did this for us and I have never been so in awe of the cross as I am now. I asked God about a year ago to turn me into a different person. One who could sacrifice. Once who could love more and better than I thought possible. One who could hear his voice and share his love like never before. One who could serve him through ministry, counseling and writing in a way I had always dreamed. I was pregnant a month later. And I am certian that I want another one. God has a wonderful and ironic sense of humor.
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