I had no idea that when I started this blog how perfect the name of it was. In the past 3 years since I started this new journey it would seem so very fitting. I have grown a great deal and learned a few things. Sometimes life is much more like a nightmare than a dream. There are things that you go through that you never thought you could survive until one day you look up and see that you did, with your limbs, if not your dignity, intact. You may not always hear, see, or feel God. But he continues to listen to, watch, and hold you through all of the numbness. I always thought of hope as a feeling, now I believe it is a lot more like love, it too is a choice. All your relationships change and that is healthy.
Your marriage grows and becomes a beautiful picture of the way Christ loves the Church. I never thought David could love, serve, strengthen, and bless me any more than he already has. And yet when I felt like God was not there it was David there reminding me that God grieves with me and always comforts and holds me in his hands. I pulled away from who I thought I was and found a new perspective. David let me hurt, cry, pull away, and push away from everything and everyone and said just let me hold you and when you are ready I will he here to talk.
I looked at family in a new way. True family never tells you that you are not enough, or that you are a failure. They may drive you nuts, try to help too much, and even hurt you without realizing it, but they will be there through it all and stand beside you in the rain. I have been so angry at my family I thought I would explode and soon I found that it passes with an apology or a joke meant to say that they are sorry. Forgivness is truly a process. Thoughtless words should be given just that no thoughts. My mom is my greatest fan, and I'm pretty sure my sister is a close second (excluding David that is)! When you feel like the world or your friends don't get you or want more than you can give, it is family that reminds you of your worth, tells you that you are enough, and speaks life into the hurt caused by others. Most of all I have learned that family is not defined by blood or marriage alone but by the love and care of one person to another. In my life this has come in many different forms from a loving mother, a sweet brother, someone in my lifegroup that really saw me, a friend who is more like a sister, a mentor, a family friend who can tell the state of your heart by the look in your eyes, and especially the younger girl I mentored in college that now speaks love into my life.
I look at friendship differently too. When you are in college you have a ton of friends and those closest to you get so much attention. Then you commit your life to your spouse, and move away, and put down new roots, and work, and work some more and go to grad school, and work in the church, and suddenly without meaning to or realizing it you are no longer the person they once knew and are wondering how to be that girl again. Then you realize, with much relief that you will never be that girl again and that is ok. Friends only last if they are family. The relationship will not always be perfect but you know that when it is all said and done no matter what you do they will defend you, love you, forgive you, encourage you, release you of their expectations, and stand beside you as any true friend would, or should I say family. The idea is not to be able to tell the difference.
The world takes on a whole new look as you start to listen to the voices of those that know you instead of the one's that think they do. You see the pain behind the smiles and reach out to help and be helped. You want to do more than be happy, you want to be the difference, not just different. My passion for helping people, defending those who cannot defend themselves, teaching, speaking, and most of all writing are gifts, not something to be feared. You will never make everyone happy, you will not even make the one's you love happy all the time! You will fail, usually miserably, and realize that it hurts, humiliates, and aches but won't break you. Your career should be that which you love most and jobs don't matter as much as what you love. Then if or when you loose the job you still have what you love. I think I want my career to be Christ follower, wife, mother, writer, defender, teacher, sister, daughter and many other things that cannot be measured in dollars. I want to be powerful, free, strong and well loved. These are not earned, these are gifts from God that can never be taken from you. These things will last through the pain, rain, change and loss. Like a wonderful husband, an amazing family, or a talent for seeing and writing about life.
