Months and months of planning go into a wedding. You get so accustomed to making everything perfect, just the way you want it. Life, in my organized mind should be this way. In reality it is a beautiful, complicated, painful, joyful mess. On my honeymoon I had a sort of breakdown after planning for so long and having all of that stress gone. Why is it so hard to drop all of our bestlaid plans into the strong capable hands of God? In my life its like taking something from the hands of a stubborn baby. They hold on so tight to the object of their desire having no idea that it is not meant for them, could even hurt them, and the time to have it is years down the road. If we try to take hold of something outside of its time it only leads to having it ripped from our grasp to save us from ourselves. This has been my life for the past 2 and a half years. Just because there are great things in front of us, plans made by us, by those we love, and especially by God, does not mean we take it without asking God what its there for. Our gifts in our hands usually end up broken, like a child who is given a delicate doll at too young an age. The last clear thing I remember God saying before the storm started was that my dreams were going to take time because I needed to learn to let go. Then when the storm hit I was so surprised that it came I forgot to listen to anyone, especially God. When your caught outside in a heavy storm all you hear is the thunder and deafening rainfall as you run for cover, usually without any protection overhead. You reach your destination soaked, cold, and usually sick! This is exactly what happened to me. I stepped outside of God's will and his umbrella of protection and got soaked! The pain went from bad to worse as my anger, bitterness, frustration, and disappointment grew with each day as my understanding of God and his character grew blury. Eventually I had walked so far off course that what was meant to grow and strengthen me has only served to make me doubt everything! Eventually my doubt brought me to my knees so many times that all I could do was abandon my expectations of who I thought God was and of who I was. Funny thing is that was what I needed to do 2 years ago to see clearly what was happening. I was driving home one night and yelling to God how much it all hurt, and how angry I was at him. Then I said, I just don't know who I am anymore, and I'll never be myself again! Promptly answered with I don't want you to be the same, I want you to be a new person!
It all hit me so clearly at that moment that all my tears dried up and I sat there (still driving) and in shock at my ignorance. Soon my heart and attitude about life changed in a way that I never thought possible as my life was filled with more hope and gratitude than I had ever been capable of before. Who knew giving up would be so great! When I prayed there was peace, the wall was gone, and finally I heard God, not as a child but as a woman.
