That's How You Forgive

Last week I was asked several times how to let go of the guilt you feel over unforgivness. Funny how God gives us small glimpses into what is coming. I said what has worked for me so many times. What has helped so many clients in my counseling office. You realize that as you forgive those who hurt you you must also forgive yourself too. We get so angry at ourselves for taking so long to let go of our pain and our hurt from offenses both real and imagined. We fail to realize how long of a process forgiveness can be. I find myself in the place I have walked so many others through so many times. I'm struggling to let go of my anger and forgive. I find myself brokenhearted and overwhelmed with the hurt inflicted on myself and those I love.
This rage seems to burn inside me.
My fists clench.
My teeth grind.
My head aches.
My mind races.
I think terrible and mean things.
I feel the fight rise in me.
It screams.
It seeks an outlet.
There is no outlet good enough. I am a woman of justice. I seek to right wrongs. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Life is not fair but we can be. We can love and respect each other and give grace and dignity to each other. I am driven to do this. It is my heart's desire to set others free. To bring justice to the oppressed and enslaved. There is no relief for me in this pain tonight. There is no relief for many of the wrongs done to us. Most of the time we won't receive the apologies due to us. How do we forgive when the pain is deep and it seems the offending party doesn't care of worse still thinks they have done nothing wrong?

I wish desperately that the answer was easy. It is not. But as my best friend pointed out tonight, holding onto this anger will only hurt me. So I take my anger, my pain, and every single tear to my Savior. I get on my knees and I don't get up until I feel his peace return to my heart. I cry out to him and pour out my grief before the man of sorrows who understands better than anyone what it means to forgive and I let him do this through me. I cannot forgive on my own. It is simply not possible. Forgiveness is a supernatural thing. To set aside all that pain and betrayal and restore a person is beyond our understanding. This process of forgiving will take a while. Much longer than I want. You see, to forgive you must truly grieve the hurt and then release it. We don't want to let that pain in and feel it fully. We run from it. Currently I am running from it to a batch of monster cookies. But when the cookies are all gone the hurt will remain. It will simmer below the surface waiting to be dealt with. Until I do it will find ways to come out and it will hurt those around me unless I face it.
I choose to face it. But I will face this battle on my knees, with my Bible open, tears streaming down my face, crying out to my forgiver to show me how to do this.
And I will probably have to do it every single day for a while, because forgiveness is not always instant. Often it is daily crying out to God to help you choose this day to forgive again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.