That's How You Forgive

Last week I was asked several times how to let go of the guilt you feel over unforgivness. Funny how God gives us small glimpses into what is coming. I said what has worked for me so many times. What has helped so many clients in my counseling office. You realize that as you forgive those who hurt you you must also forgive yourself too. We get so angry at ourselves for taking so long to let go of our pain and our hurt from offenses both real and imagined. We fail to realize how long of a process forgiveness can be. I find myself in the place I have walked so many others through so many times. I'm struggling to let go of my anger and forgive. I find myself brokenhearted and overwhelmed with the hurt inflicted on myself and those I love.
This rage seems to burn inside me.
My fists clench.
My teeth grind.
My head aches.
My mind races.
I think terrible and mean things.
I feel the fight rise in me.
It screams.
It seeks an outlet.
There is no outlet good enough. I am a woman of justice. I seek to right wrongs. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Life is not fair but we can be. We can love and respect each other and give grace and dignity to each other. I am driven to do this. It is my heart's desire to set others free. To bring justice to the oppressed and enslaved. There is no relief for me in this pain tonight. There is no relief for many of the wrongs done to us. Most of the time we won't receive the apologies due to us. How do we forgive when the pain is deep and it seems the offending party doesn't care of worse still thinks they have done nothing wrong?

I wish desperately that the answer was easy. It is not. But as my best friend pointed out tonight, holding onto this anger will only hurt me. So I take my anger, my pain, and every single tear to my Savior. I get on my knees and I don't get up until I feel his peace return to my heart. I cry out to him and pour out my grief before the man of sorrows who understands better than anyone what it means to forgive and I let him do this through me. I cannot forgive on my own. It is simply not possible. Forgiveness is a supernatural thing. To set aside all that pain and betrayal and restore a person is beyond our understanding. This process of forgiving will take a while. Much longer than I want. You see, to forgive you must truly grieve the hurt and then release it. We don't want to let that pain in and feel it fully. We run from it. Currently I am running from it to a batch of monster cookies. But when the cookies are all gone the hurt will remain. It will simmer below the surface waiting to be dealt with. Until I do it will find ways to come out and it will hurt those around me unless I face it.
I choose to face it. But I will face this battle on my knees, with my Bible open, tears streaming down my face, crying out to my forgiver to show me how to do this.
And I will probably have to do it every single day for a while, because forgiveness is not always instant. Often it is daily crying out to God to help you choose this day to forgive again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

Counseling the Counselor

Depression.

I battle Depression. I am a Woman. I am a Wife. I am a Mother. I am a Christian and I battle Depression. It is an ugly word and one that is very misunderstood. For me the symptoms didn't start until after I had been married for a couple of years. The signs were there even when I was a teenager but since I grew up with both parents struggling with this problem it seemed normal. The symptoms started slowly with a general lack of desire to do what I used to love to do and a suddenly short temper. My husband was the one who told me it was time to deal with these issues. Those who love us most are often the ones who see our struggles the clearest. I was lashing out at him and taking my pain and anger out on him. His words are forever in my memory. We had just finished fighting and he said that he keeps wanting to help me fix a problem that he was never meant to fix on his own. He is a very wise man my husband. My actions were taking their toll on our marriage and my anger was really just pain with nowhere to go. Often when a person is very angry they are actually depressed. I know this because I am also a counselor.

I was learning how to help people with depression while discovering my own problem. As part of my counseling program I was required to attend personal counseling and I am so glad that they made it mandatory. I am certain that we all need counseling at some point in our life. We all reach a point in our lives where we are overwhelmed and need someone to help us heal. I had a lot of trauma from growing up that needing dealing with. Counseling helped me so very much. So did the medication. A lot of people have a lot of opinions on medication. For me it is simple. God used counseling and medication to help me heal. It did take several different medications before we found one that worked best with my body. I thought I was finally better and once we found out we were pregnant I needed to get off all medications so I did. And for the duration of the pregnancy I was constantly on the verge of throwing up, constantly tired and very happy.
Then after having Conner the symptoms returned and were even stronger than before. This is usually called baby blues but it is just another word for a type of depression. David and I were sitting in a marriage conference just a few months after having Conner and all my symptoms had returned. The couple speaking began to share about their struggle with postpartum depression and how it is something to be faced together. David and I both cried that day. It is not just my battle. It is our battle. That night David sat down with me and told me several things that set me free and still set me free to this day.

My battle with Depression does not make me crazy. Though it will make you feel that way sometimes.

There is never a moment that I have to walk through this fight alone. God has never left my side, not for a moment of this years long battle and neither would he.

Medication is not the enemy and is a gift from God. If I have to stay on medication to help regulate my depression for the rest of my life that is absolutely ok. Medication does not make me a lesser person or a weak person for needing it.

Life and experiences change us. I kept saying I wanted to be who I was and his answer is something I share with as many people & couples as I can. I don't want who you were, God is changing you and growing you.  I will choose to fall in love with who you are becoming.


It is a common struggle that millions of people face every single day. So why is it so hard to talk about? Why is it such a dirty word? Where does this belief that if you have depression that you are not competent come from? I am not afraid to talk about my struggle and it is because I am not afraid of it anymore. It does not define me. It does not make me a lesser person or incompetent. It is a part of who I am and even if I am not delivered from this disorder this side of heaven I will not let it define me.  Freedom does not always come in the way we expect or hope. It comes however God chooses to provide it. So I will choose to love who I am becoming and who God is making me into.

Was it all for nothing?

I have felt the call to be a counselor since I was a teenager. I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't counseling someone in some capacity. I was in fifth grade the first time a friend confided in me that her home life was horrible and she didn't know what to do. I remember that day well because I held her while she cried and it happened that way countless times through junior high, high school and college. I knew I wanted to be a Christian counselor in college which is why I got my degree in ministry. It went perfectly with the graduate degree I would earn in counseling to be able to minister to people in the way I felt so called to do. But 4 years of college, 3 years of grad school, a lengthy exam, endless paperwork just to show I passed that exam, months of waiting, an extremely difficult pregnancy, a beautiful baby boy and no supervisor after 3 and a half years and it would seem that this dream, this calling, isn't going to happen. At least not the way I had always thought it would. I have spent 2 years looking for a supervisor with no success. I have loved every minute of being at home with my Conner bug but can't help but wonder how this dream will ever become a reality. I have always known deep in my soul that I was called to counsel and have spent a lot of time this past year angry with God because it seems that my time will run out on my license without earning my hours and I will have to start all over. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?!?!?!

Then one night my husband decided to show a video to our students of a sermon on King David. You see, he was anointed to be king at 15 but he did not become king for another 15 years. He did a great number of seemingly thankless jobs, was ridiculed by his brothers, took care of animals, lost his best friend, was hunted by the king he served and the list could go on and on. But David never gave up, though he felt like it, though he thought there was no possible way, though the pain and loss seemed endless, he kept seeking God and believing him for what he had promised.
I struggle very hard with believing God for even the smallest of miracles even though he has proved himself time and again. So, my years spent selling Clinique, watching children, selling toys, doing office work, studying, doing counseling all day and going to class all night were not for nothing. They were worth it to get me to my calling. They were worth it to get me to a place where I can see God for who he is and not what he can give me. They were worth it for me to be able to help women see their value and to be reminded that my value is not in the job I hold but who I am in Christ. They were worth it if all I ever did was learn to love my husband and son well. And most of all they were worth it for that one person who sat across from me in a session and realized their need for a savior.
My calling may never look like I thought or even hoped, it will be more, and to be honest, it became more the day I stopped saying it wasn't enough.