Last week I was asked several times how to let go of the guilt you feel over unforgivness. Funny how God gives us small glimpses into what is coming. I said what has worked for me so many times. What has helped so many clients in my counseling office. You realize that as you forgive those who hurt you you must also forgive yourself too. We get so angry at ourselves for taking so long to let go of our pain and our hurt from offenses both real and imagined. We fail to realize how long of a process forgiveness can be. I find myself in the place I have walked so many others through so many times. I'm struggling to let go of my anger and forgive. I find myself brokenhearted and overwhelmed with the hurt inflicted on myself and those I love.
This rage seems to burn inside me.
My fists clench.
My teeth grind.
My head aches.
My mind races.
I think terrible and mean things.
I feel the fight rise in me.
It screams.
It seeks an outlet.
There is no outlet good enough. I am a woman of justice. I seek to right wrongs. I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Life is not fair but we can be. We can love and respect each other and give grace and dignity to each other. I am driven to do this. It is my heart's desire to set others free. To bring justice to the oppressed and enslaved. There is no relief for me in this pain tonight. There is no relief for many of the wrongs done to us. Most of the time we won't receive the apologies due to us. How do we forgive when the pain is deep and it seems the offending party doesn't care of worse still thinks they have done nothing wrong?
I wish desperately that the answer was easy. It is not. But as my best friend pointed out tonight, holding onto this anger will only hurt me. So I take my anger, my pain, and every single tear to my Savior. I get on my knees and I don't get up until I feel his peace return to my heart. I cry out to him and pour out my grief before the man of sorrows who understands better than anyone what it means to forgive and I let him do this through me. I cannot forgive on my own. It is simply not possible. Forgiveness is a supernatural thing. To set aside all that pain and betrayal and restore a person is beyond our understanding. This process of forgiving will take a while. Much longer than I want. You see, to forgive you must truly grieve the hurt and then release it. We don't want to let that pain in and feel it fully. We run from it. Currently I am running from it to a batch of monster cookies. But when the cookies are all gone the hurt will remain. It will simmer below the surface waiting to be dealt with. Until I do it will find ways to come out and it will hurt those around me unless I face it.
I choose to face it. But I will face this battle on my knees, with my Bible open, tears streaming down my face, crying out to my forgiver to show me how to do this.
And I will probably have to do it every single day for a while, because forgiveness is not always instant. Often it is daily crying out to God to help you choose this day to forgive again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
Counseling the Counselor
Depression.
I battle Depression. I am a Woman. I am a Wife. I am a Mother. I am a Christian and I battle Depression. It is an ugly word and one that is very misunderstood. For me the symptoms didn't start until after I had been married for a couple of years. The signs were there even when I was a teenager but since I grew up with both parents struggling with this problem it seemed normal. The symptoms started slowly with a general lack of desire to do what I used to love to do and a suddenly short temper. My husband was the one who told me it was time to deal with these issues. Those who love us most are often the ones who see our struggles the clearest. I was lashing out at him and taking my pain and anger out on him. His words are forever in my memory. We had just finished fighting and he said that he keeps wanting to help me fix a problem that he was never meant to fix on his own. He is a very wise man my husband. My actions were taking their toll on our marriage and my anger was really just pain with nowhere to go. Often when a person is very angry they are actually depressed. I know this because I am also a counselor.
I was learning how to help people with depression while discovering my own problem. As part of my counseling program I was required to attend personal counseling and I am so glad that they made it mandatory. I am certain that we all need counseling at some point in our life. We all reach a point in our lives where we are overwhelmed and need someone to help us heal. I had a lot of trauma from growing up that needing dealing with. Counseling helped me so very much. So did the medication. A lot of people have a lot of opinions on medication. For me it is simple. God used counseling and medication to help me heal. It did take several different medications before we found one that worked best with my body. I thought I was finally better and once we found out we were pregnant I needed to get off all medications so I did. And for the duration of the pregnancy I was constantly on the verge of throwing up, constantly tired and very happy.
Then after having Conner the symptoms returned and were even stronger than before. This is usually called baby blues but it is just another word for a type of depression. David and I were sitting in a marriage conference just a few months after having Conner and all my symptoms had returned. The couple speaking began to share about their struggle with postpartum depression and how it is something to be faced together. David and I both cried that day. It is not just my battle. It is our battle. That night David sat down with me and told me several things that set me free and still set me free to this day.
My battle with Depression does not make me crazy. Though it will make you feel that way sometimes.
There is never a moment that I have to walk through this fight alone. God has never left my side, not for a moment of this years long battle and neither would he.
Medication is not the enemy and is a gift from God. If I have to stay on medication to help regulate my depression for the rest of my life that is absolutely ok. Medication does not make me a lesser person or a weak person for needing it.
Life and experiences change us. I kept saying I wanted to be who I was and his answer is something I share with as many people & couples as I can. I don't want who you were, God is changing you and growing you. I will choose to fall in love with who you are becoming.
It is a common struggle that millions of people face every single day. So why is it so hard to talk about? Why is it such a dirty word? Where does this belief that if you have depression that you are not competent come from? I am not afraid to talk about my struggle and it is because I am not afraid of it anymore. It does not define me. It does not make me a lesser person or incompetent. It is a part of who I am and even if I am not delivered from this disorder this side of heaven I will not let it define me. Freedom does not always come in the way we expect or hope. It comes however God chooses to provide it. So I will choose to love who I am becoming and who God is making me into.
I battle Depression. I am a Woman. I am a Wife. I am a Mother. I am a Christian and I battle Depression. It is an ugly word and one that is very misunderstood. For me the symptoms didn't start until after I had been married for a couple of years. The signs were there even when I was a teenager but since I grew up with both parents struggling with this problem it seemed normal. The symptoms started slowly with a general lack of desire to do what I used to love to do and a suddenly short temper. My husband was the one who told me it was time to deal with these issues. Those who love us most are often the ones who see our struggles the clearest. I was lashing out at him and taking my pain and anger out on him. His words are forever in my memory. We had just finished fighting and he said that he keeps wanting to help me fix a problem that he was never meant to fix on his own. He is a very wise man my husband. My actions were taking their toll on our marriage and my anger was really just pain with nowhere to go. Often when a person is very angry they are actually depressed. I know this because I am also a counselor.
I was learning how to help people with depression while discovering my own problem. As part of my counseling program I was required to attend personal counseling and I am so glad that they made it mandatory. I am certain that we all need counseling at some point in our life. We all reach a point in our lives where we are overwhelmed and need someone to help us heal. I had a lot of trauma from growing up that needing dealing with. Counseling helped me so very much. So did the medication. A lot of people have a lot of opinions on medication. For me it is simple. God used counseling and medication to help me heal. It did take several different medications before we found one that worked best with my body. I thought I was finally better and once we found out we were pregnant I needed to get off all medications so I did. And for the duration of the pregnancy I was constantly on the verge of throwing up, constantly tired and very happy.
Then after having Conner the symptoms returned and were even stronger than before. This is usually called baby blues but it is just another word for a type of depression. David and I were sitting in a marriage conference just a few months after having Conner and all my symptoms had returned. The couple speaking began to share about their struggle with postpartum depression and how it is something to be faced together. David and I both cried that day. It is not just my battle. It is our battle. That night David sat down with me and told me several things that set me free and still set me free to this day.
My battle with Depression does not make me crazy. Though it will make you feel that way sometimes.
There is never a moment that I have to walk through this fight alone. God has never left my side, not for a moment of this years long battle and neither would he.
Medication is not the enemy and is a gift from God. If I have to stay on medication to help regulate my depression for the rest of my life that is absolutely ok. Medication does not make me a lesser person or a weak person for needing it.
Life and experiences change us. I kept saying I wanted to be who I was and his answer is something I share with as many people & couples as I can. I don't want who you were, God is changing you and growing you. I will choose to fall in love with who you are becoming.
It is a common struggle that millions of people face every single day. So why is it so hard to talk about? Why is it such a dirty word? Where does this belief that if you have depression that you are not competent come from? I am not afraid to talk about my struggle and it is because I am not afraid of it anymore. It does not define me. It does not make me a lesser person or incompetent. It is a part of who I am and even if I am not delivered from this disorder this side of heaven I will not let it define me. Freedom does not always come in the way we expect or hope. It comes however God chooses to provide it. So I will choose to love who I am becoming and who God is making me into.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Was it all for nothing?
I have felt the call to be a counselor since I was a teenager. I actually can't remember a time when I wasn't counseling someone in some capacity. I was in fifth grade the first time a friend confided in me that her home life was horrible and she didn't know what to do. I remember that day well because I held her while she cried and it happened that way countless times through junior high, high school and college. I knew I wanted to be a Christian counselor in college which is why I got my degree in ministry. It went perfectly with the graduate degree I would earn in counseling to be able to minister to people in the way I felt so called to do. But 4 years of college, 3 years of grad school, a lengthy exam, endless paperwork just to show I passed that exam, months of waiting, an extremely difficult pregnancy, a beautiful baby boy and no supervisor after 3 and a half years and it would seem that this dream, this calling, isn't going to happen. At least not the way I had always thought it would. I have spent 2 years looking for a supervisor with no success. I have loved every minute of being at home with my Conner bug but can't help but wonder how this dream will ever become a reality. I have always known deep in my soul that I was called to counsel and have spent a lot of time this past year angry with God because it seems that my time will run out on my license without earning my hours and I will have to start all over. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?!?!?!
Then one night my husband decided to show a video to our students of a sermon on King David. You see, he was anointed to be king at 15 but he did not become king for another 15 years. He did a great number of seemingly thankless jobs, was ridiculed by his brothers, took care of animals, lost his best friend, was hunted by the king he served and the list could go on and on. But David never gave up, though he felt like it, though he thought there was no possible way, though the pain and loss seemed endless, he kept seeking God and believing him for what he had promised.
I struggle very hard with believing God for even the smallest of miracles even though he has proved himself time and again. So, my years spent selling Clinique, watching children, selling toys, doing office work, studying, doing counseling all day and going to class all night were not for nothing. They were worth it to get me to my calling. They were worth it to get me to a place where I can see God for who he is and not what he can give me. They were worth it for me to be able to help women see their value and to be reminded that my value is not in the job I hold but who I am in Christ. They were worth it if all I ever did was learn to love my husband and son well. And most of all they were worth it for that one person who sat across from me in a session and realized their need for a savior.
My calling may never look like I thought or even hoped, it will be more, and to be honest, it became more the day I stopped saying it wasn't enough.
Then one night my husband decided to show a video to our students of a sermon on King David. You see, he was anointed to be king at 15 but he did not become king for another 15 years. He did a great number of seemingly thankless jobs, was ridiculed by his brothers, took care of animals, lost his best friend, was hunted by the king he served and the list could go on and on. But David never gave up, though he felt like it, though he thought there was no possible way, though the pain and loss seemed endless, he kept seeking God and believing him for what he had promised.
I struggle very hard with believing God for even the smallest of miracles even though he has proved himself time and again. So, my years spent selling Clinique, watching children, selling toys, doing office work, studying, doing counseling all day and going to class all night were not for nothing. They were worth it to get me to my calling. They were worth it to get me to a place where I can see God for who he is and not what he can give me. They were worth it for me to be able to help women see their value and to be reminded that my value is not in the job I hold but who I am in Christ. They were worth it if all I ever did was learn to love my husband and son well. And most of all they were worth it for that one person who sat across from me in a session and realized their need for a savior.
My calling may never look like I thought or even hoped, it will be more, and to be honest, it became more the day I stopped saying it wasn't enough.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
8 Days
Saturday........................Not too bad, I can do this. Sure I'm sick but it's not too bad.
Sunday................................Tired, and getting sicker. Missing David already.
Monday.......................................So sick I just lay there and let Conner crawl on me.
Tuesday...................................................Full of cold medicine and having my worst day yet.
Wednesday...............................................Tear up as I hear Conner call for daddy over and over.
Thursday...................................................Starting to feel a bit better and missing David more than ever.
Friday.......................................................................Just keep going, just keep going, just keep going.
Saturday.......................Daddy brings home dinner and we play in the floor for 2 hours with little bug.
David and I don't spend much time apart. We love being together and don't often tire of each other's company. For the past week David was on a mission trip in south Texas and we were apart longer than we have been in our 8 years together. Normally it would be very difficult for me to be seperated from him but having Conner makes the time apart seem to go on forever. Our little boy is very close to his father and each day they were apart I could see his little emotions show the loss. Each day was a new experience for us as we learned how to cope without his daddy. He would look around more each day seeming to be searching for his dad. He would even keep touching David's face through the phone when we would facetime! It was the cutest thing I have seen yet! His dad reads him stories as night, teaches him how to play soccer, is Conner's own personal jungle gym, teaches him, loves him, and shows him how to love mommy too. I know to many this time was just a week but in everyday life as in our spiritual life, any time away from the father hurts.
At first it doesn't seem so hard and you think you will be fine. Then as each day passes you realize how much you love, need, count on, feel safe with, enjoy, and long for the company of the father. I struggled with the difficulties of being a single mom for a week and I am so very grateful that I have such an amazing partner to go through life with. David's overwhelming love and kindness, his patience with me and our son, his beautiful walk with God all that he is are so beautiful to me. Yet, seeing the way Conner's face light up with he saw his daddy filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible. He has his daddy back and can't get enough of him. I can hear his giggling at this very moment from across the house. He is delighting in his father. I can learn a thing or 10 from my precious son. I love, adore and delight in his earthly father just as he does. How I long to delight in my heavenly father the way my son delights in his daddy. To reach out and touch his face and hear him sing over me only takes coming to him as a child. To him I will always be his little girl.
Sunday................................Tired, and getting sicker. Missing David already.
Monday.......................................So sick I just lay there and let Conner crawl on me.
Tuesday...................................................Full of cold medicine and having my worst day yet.
Wednesday...............................................Tear up as I hear Conner call for daddy over and over.
Thursday...................................................Starting to feel a bit better and missing David more than ever.
Friday.......................................................................Just keep going, just keep going, just keep going.
Saturday.......................Daddy brings home dinner and we play in the floor for 2 hours with little bug.
David and I don't spend much time apart. We love being together and don't often tire of each other's company. For the past week David was on a mission trip in south Texas and we were apart longer than we have been in our 8 years together. Normally it would be very difficult for me to be seperated from him but having Conner makes the time apart seem to go on forever. Our little boy is very close to his father and each day they were apart I could see his little emotions show the loss. Each day was a new experience for us as we learned how to cope without his daddy. He would look around more each day seeming to be searching for his dad. He would even keep touching David's face through the phone when we would facetime! It was the cutest thing I have seen yet! His dad reads him stories as night, teaches him how to play soccer, is Conner's own personal jungle gym, teaches him, loves him, and shows him how to love mommy too. I know to many this time was just a week but in everyday life as in our spiritual life, any time away from the father hurts.
At first it doesn't seem so hard and you think you will be fine. Then as each day passes you realize how much you love, need, count on, feel safe with, enjoy, and long for the company of the father. I struggled with the difficulties of being a single mom for a week and I am so very grateful that I have such an amazing partner to go through life with. David's overwhelming love and kindness, his patience with me and our son, his beautiful walk with God all that he is are so beautiful to me. Yet, seeing the way Conner's face light up with he saw his daddy filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible. He has his daddy back and can't get enough of him. I can hear his giggling at this very moment from across the house. He is delighting in his father. I can learn a thing or 10 from my precious son. I love, adore and delight in his earthly father just as he does. How I long to delight in my heavenly father the way my son delights in his daddy. To reach out and touch his face and hear him sing over me only takes coming to him as a child. To him I will always be his little girl.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
A Safe Place
It is quiet in this small comfortable room. There is a couch and an overstuffed chair. The lights are not bright but rather soft and casting a warm glow. Everything about this space is designed to put the occupants at ease. For the last year I have spent hundreds of hours in this small room. I have listened to thousands of stories in this room. Each story shared in this room is unique and beautiful and many are heartbreaking and tragic. In this room people find hope, peace, awareness and strength. They come into this room angry and broken and together we work toward healing. I truly became a counselor in this room. The previous 2 years I spent in a classroom learning what a counselor should know, but in this room I learned what cannot be taught in a classroom. I learned what it means to help another person grow and heal from things they never thought they could come back from. My heart is full as I sit in this room for the last time and think about the blessing it has been to become like this room, a safe place.
What does it mean to be a safe place? The answer is a little different for each of us. When I am struggling with worry and fear I find a quiet corner, a blanket, my beanbag chair and a fan. I pull the blanket over my head, turn on the fan to tune out the noise and pray until peace overcomes my fear and I often fall asleep. David says he can always tell how my stress level is by how much time I spend curled up with my blanket in my beanbag chair. But what makes this place safe? How is it any safer than my couch? My car? I find the answer in my history.
I first heard God speak to me while I was reading over an airconditioning vent as a child. It was the middle of July and burning hot. I took a blanket and pulled it over the vent and crawled inside. I took my flashlight and read the latest book I had checked out of the library. It was there I heard him speak and tell me I was here for a reason. I found myself reading more and more, searching the Bible and seeking answers to why my parents marriage was falling apart. The Bible yielded no answers as to what was causing my parents to fight but it did show me a father who was not like mine. In this quiet safe place I met my true father.
Eventually the situation got so bad that I stopped seeking God. My parents marriage turned dangerous and we moved away. I stopped reading in the quiet corner and started seeking comfort in hobbies, sports, friends, boys, food and put books and my heavenly father far from my mind. I accepted Christ when I was 13, but my priorities didn't change, I still sought solace in outward things. I wish I could say that this habit changed overnight when I accepted Christ but that was just not the case. I was so angry over what had happened in my home and blamed God for all that I had seen and gone through. I was sure he could not satisfy. If he couldn't keep my home safe, keep me safe, then what could he do?
This is a question anyone who has suffered a trauma asks. It is a valid question. It just doesn't get to the heart of the problem. We are broken and angry. He heals and reconciles. We are hurting and desperate. He comforts and meets our needs. He grieves with us. He has never left our side in every trial we face. The answers to the difficult questions may never come. But when I sit in the presence of Jesus those difficulties fade into the background. I see his love for me. I see him healing my heart as I place my pain before him. I see the lengths he went to to save me and am overwhelmed with peace. He is my safe place in a way that no one and nothing else is. I struggle daily with depending on his grace to live in his presence. But in those moments when I lean on him, he is my safe place. Then it doesn't matter what room I'm in, what matters is who is in the room with me.
What does it mean to be a safe place? The answer is a little different for each of us. When I am struggling with worry and fear I find a quiet corner, a blanket, my beanbag chair and a fan. I pull the blanket over my head, turn on the fan to tune out the noise and pray until peace overcomes my fear and I often fall asleep. David says he can always tell how my stress level is by how much time I spend curled up with my blanket in my beanbag chair. But what makes this place safe? How is it any safer than my couch? My car? I find the answer in my history.
I first heard God speak to me while I was reading over an airconditioning vent as a child. It was the middle of July and burning hot. I took a blanket and pulled it over the vent and crawled inside. I took my flashlight and read the latest book I had checked out of the library. It was there I heard him speak and tell me I was here for a reason. I found myself reading more and more, searching the Bible and seeking answers to why my parents marriage was falling apart. The Bible yielded no answers as to what was causing my parents to fight but it did show me a father who was not like mine. In this quiet safe place I met my true father.
Eventually the situation got so bad that I stopped seeking God. My parents marriage turned dangerous and we moved away. I stopped reading in the quiet corner and started seeking comfort in hobbies, sports, friends, boys, food and put books and my heavenly father far from my mind. I accepted Christ when I was 13, but my priorities didn't change, I still sought solace in outward things. I wish I could say that this habit changed overnight when I accepted Christ but that was just not the case. I was so angry over what had happened in my home and blamed God for all that I had seen and gone through. I was sure he could not satisfy. If he couldn't keep my home safe, keep me safe, then what could he do?
This is a question anyone who has suffered a trauma asks. It is a valid question. It just doesn't get to the heart of the problem. We are broken and angry. He heals and reconciles. We are hurting and desperate. He comforts and meets our needs. He grieves with us. He has never left our side in every trial we face. The answers to the difficult questions may never come. But when I sit in the presence of Jesus those difficulties fade into the background. I see his love for me. I see him healing my heart as I place my pain before him. I see the lengths he went to to save me and am overwhelmed with peace. He is my safe place in a way that no one and nothing else is. I struggle daily with depending on his grace to live in his presence. But in those moments when I lean on him, he is my safe place. Then it doesn't matter what room I'm in, what matters is who is in the room with me.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink!
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink! Sometimes that is how I feel when searching for peace. For the longest time God has been drawing me closer to him in a way I have never experienced before. I have loved the joy of feeling his presence in a new way, of hearing his voice in a new way and yet there is something missing. His peace seems to hide from me to spite how much I read his word or pray. How is that possible!?! I know how it is possible. I am looking for the peace that the world gives. He does not give peace as the world does. His peace is supernatural. His peace is overwhelming. His peace does not however, block out all the pain and the uncertianty of life. Recently I got a call from Judd, my little brother. He was really struggling with a lot of things in his life and was seeking wisdom from me. I did give him some good advice or what I thought was good advice at the time but when we hung up I realized that I was speaking out of what I thought and not always what was best. I told him to let go of a person in his life that was meant to stay in his life because I didn't like the pain he was in. That is usually how we feel, if someone hurts someone I love I loose a great deal of my logic. (Something about my motherly instincts or some other such nonsense) ;)
When I saw Judd over Thanksgiving he kept talking to me about his struggles and this time I was determined to give Godly wisdom. I spent much of Thanksgiving day talking with him and our family about God and these varying conversations led to an amazing evening. That night the person I told him to let go of prayed with me to receive Christ. Oh, the grief and anger I felt toward myself at my brazen attitude in thinking I knew what was best. I usually try to spare those I love grief but God never makes that promise. It is through our selfless actions and loving others to spite our feelings that God works the most. I have seen him do the most amazing works in my life through my pain and grief. I felt the peace of God rest on me in those sweet moments as we were praying because I was letting go of me and taking hold of him. I was changed that day just as she was. We spend so much of our life angry at those who hurt us or those who hurt the ones we love. That anger is real and understandable and it is not wrong to be angry. It is what you do with that anger that determines whether it is sin or not. Do you take your anger to God and release your pain and cares to him or carry them around and make everyone around you miserable?
I have been quilty of letting my anger ruin me for periods of time. It is very painful and all consuming and so very NOT worth it! You and I all know people who live life this way. For a long time I was one of them! The slightest comment sends them over the edge. We walk on eggshells around them constantly afraid of being the object of their wrath. We don't want to be around them. We feel as though we can do nothing right in their eyes and eventually grow weary of trying to do so. The home I grew up in had this happen a lot and by the grace of God my family of origin no longer looks like this. Thankfully, because I have seen this firsthand and gone through it myself I am aware of when I am in danger and flee from it as fast as possible. I wish I could say my bitterness and anger leave immediately upon praying and forgiving them but it often takes days or weeks to get there. Nonetheless, I must start with me. My reactions to the actions of others are on no one but me. No one is responsible for me feelings but me. Others have the ability to influence them but in the end I they only have as much control over my life as I give them.
In order to feel the beautiful peace Christ gives to his followers I must be willing to be at peace with myself and others. How can I possibly find a peaceful and joyful existence when my heart is full of anger and ungodly expectations? No one will ever fully live up to my expectations and they should not have to! The sad truth is that it is impossible. So tonight I will put my grief, pain, resentment, strife, bitterness, expectations, hurt, fear and so much more to rest at the feet of the one who died to make me at peace with my creator. What I want does not help others, it does not bring peace, it only gives me my desires. To truly have the desires of my heart I need to seek God for what he desires and only then will his peace come.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
When I saw Judd over Thanksgiving he kept talking to me about his struggles and this time I was determined to give Godly wisdom. I spent much of Thanksgiving day talking with him and our family about God and these varying conversations led to an amazing evening. That night the person I told him to let go of prayed with me to receive Christ. Oh, the grief and anger I felt toward myself at my brazen attitude in thinking I knew what was best. I usually try to spare those I love grief but God never makes that promise. It is through our selfless actions and loving others to spite our feelings that God works the most. I have seen him do the most amazing works in my life through my pain and grief. I felt the peace of God rest on me in those sweet moments as we were praying because I was letting go of me and taking hold of him. I was changed that day just as she was. We spend so much of our life angry at those who hurt us or those who hurt the ones we love. That anger is real and understandable and it is not wrong to be angry. It is what you do with that anger that determines whether it is sin or not. Do you take your anger to God and release your pain and cares to him or carry them around and make everyone around you miserable?
I have been quilty of letting my anger ruin me for periods of time. It is very painful and all consuming and so very NOT worth it! You and I all know people who live life this way. For a long time I was one of them! The slightest comment sends them over the edge. We walk on eggshells around them constantly afraid of being the object of their wrath. We don't want to be around them. We feel as though we can do nothing right in their eyes and eventually grow weary of trying to do so. The home I grew up in had this happen a lot and by the grace of God my family of origin no longer looks like this. Thankfully, because I have seen this firsthand and gone through it myself I am aware of when I am in danger and flee from it as fast as possible. I wish I could say my bitterness and anger leave immediately upon praying and forgiving them but it often takes days or weeks to get there. Nonetheless, I must start with me. My reactions to the actions of others are on no one but me. No one is responsible for me feelings but me. Others have the ability to influence them but in the end I they only have as much control over my life as I give them.
In order to feel the beautiful peace Christ gives to his followers I must be willing to be at peace with myself and others. How can I possibly find a peaceful and joyful existence when my heart is full of anger and ungodly expectations? No one will ever fully live up to my expectations and they should not have to! The sad truth is that it is impossible. So tonight I will put my grief, pain, resentment, strife, bitterness, expectations, hurt, fear and so much more to rest at the feet of the one who died to make me at peace with my creator. What I want does not help others, it does not bring peace, it only gives me my desires. To truly have the desires of my heart I need to seek God for what he desires and only then will his peace come.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
Monday, August 20, 2012
Running
Sometimes it amazes me how hard it is to get out of my own head. I worry so much sometimes about the most rediculious things! Some things are worthy to be concerned about but should be prayed about and released and yet a number of sleepless nights remind me how much I need to seek God. I know a lot of us worry and the combination of being a wife, a mother, a counselor, and minister's wife all lend to this problem. I worry that I'm not doing enough to help David and Conner see how much I love them. I think about the problems others share with me and how I can help them. And of course let's not forget the dozens of teenagers that David and I work with, teach and pray for. And just when I think I am doing better a situation arrises that reminds me that I indeed run to so many other things and have so little grace for myself.
Most recently I have been worried about pleasing others. The need to make others around me happy and to like me has been consuming. As Christians we are all so hard on ourselves and others that it is nothing short of heartbreaking. I realized how much I worried about the opinions of others on Sunday when our pastor spoke of love and the kind of grace it takes to assume the best of others. What does it look like to assume the best of others? What does it look like to assume the best of me? It might be impossible to assume better of others if I cannot even be gracious and forgiving with myself! I so rarely think that I do anything well, that God sees me and loves me just as I am, that his love is enough to cover a multitude of sins. I so often find my mind running strait to being critical of all of my actions instead of seeing that I have done my best and given all that I have and that this is enough.
When speaking of love my pastor said that a study of marriages revealed that the happiest couples are the ones who don't see their spouse accurately. These couples look past the flaws in their partner and focus on the good. David has joked with me that I love him so much that sometimes I am blind to his flaws. I have told him that I am not blind but that I just focus on how amazing he is and all the mess fades into the background. So why can't I extend that kindness to myself more. See what God is doing in me that is good and enjoy them instead of only focusing on my weaknesses. What a beautiful joy that would be! If we are honest we can easily recall a recent offense in glaring detail. Wes spoke a few weeks ago about how we even keep lists of offenses in our minds that keep us from seeing what is good about others.
Think of the person who annoys you the most. What is so frustrating about them and how much easier your life would be without them. Now look at what is good about them. What they offer others and you. How they help you see how easily offended you are! For our 5 year anniversary I gave David a journal I had been keeping since we started dating that listed all the sweet things he has done over the years to love on me. When I think of his hurtful actions they just don't compare to his incredible love for me. We all get our hearts broken by many people over the years. Some of the offenses take a long time to heal and some heal quickly and all involve forgivness. It may even mean seeking to forget these hurts and focus of remembering the good in others. I think it is time that I find more grace in my heart for myself and others. It is time that I make a list of things that are good about those all around me and believe the best of them instead of the worst. What would your world look like if you believed the best of your spouse?
Your kids?
Your parents?
Your teachers?
Your coaches?
Your ministers?
Your siblings?
Yourself?
Most recently I have been worried about pleasing others. The need to make others around me happy and to like me has been consuming. As Christians we are all so hard on ourselves and others that it is nothing short of heartbreaking. I realized how much I worried about the opinions of others on Sunday when our pastor spoke of love and the kind of grace it takes to assume the best of others. What does it look like to assume the best of others? What does it look like to assume the best of me? It might be impossible to assume better of others if I cannot even be gracious and forgiving with myself! I so rarely think that I do anything well, that God sees me and loves me just as I am, that his love is enough to cover a multitude of sins. I so often find my mind running strait to being critical of all of my actions instead of seeing that I have done my best and given all that I have and that this is enough.
When speaking of love my pastor said that a study of marriages revealed that the happiest couples are the ones who don't see their spouse accurately. These couples look past the flaws in their partner and focus on the good. David has joked with me that I love him so much that sometimes I am blind to his flaws. I have told him that I am not blind but that I just focus on how amazing he is and all the mess fades into the background. So why can't I extend that kindness to myself more. See what God is doing in me that is good and enjoy them instead of only focusing on my weaknesses. What a beautiful joy that would be! If we are honest we can easily recall a recent offense in glaring detail. Wes spoke a few weeks ago about how we even keep lists of offenses in our minds that keep us from seeing what is good about others.
Think of the person who annoys you the most. What is so frustrating about them and how much easier your life would be without them. Now look at what is good about them. What they offer others and you. How they help you see how easily offended you are! For our 5 year anniversary I gave David a journal I had been keeping since we started dating that listed all the sweet things he has done over the years to love on me. When I think of his hurtful actions they just don't compare to his incredible love for me. We all get our hearts broken by many people over the years. Some of the offenses take a long time to heal and some heal quickly and all involve forgivness. It may even mean seeking to forget these hurts and focus of remembering the good in others. I think it is time that I find more grace in my heart for myself and others. It is time that I make a list of things that are good about those all around me and believe the best of them instead of the worst. What would your world look like if you believed the best of your spouse?
Your kids?
Your parents?
Your teachers?
Your coaches?
Your ministers?
Your siblings?
Yourself?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Dear Conner,
"What do you mean my ovaries are failing?"
David and I had been married a little over a year when I got this news from my doctor. I had been experiencing very severe lower back pain and went in to see the doctor who decided to run some tests. Apparently my ovaries had grown so many cysts that each of them was 5 times their normal size and twisting in on themselves, thus causing the back pain. I was devastated. David was speechless and had no idea how to comfort me. I was 23.
"What do we do?"
I asked my doctor. She promptly informed me that my best bet at saving my ovaries and giving myself any chance of children was to have surgery immediately. So, 2 weeks later I went under the knife and when she showed me the pics of my deformed ovaries after the surgery I cried.
"What do we do now?" She told me I should try and have children right away. I was not ready for that at all and began looking for a fertility specialist to give me a second opinion. A close friend referred me to Dr. Dale Ehmer. He ran so many tests on me I felt like a pin cushion. When the results of the test came back the diagnosis was daunting.
"You have something called MTHFR."
What in the world is MTHFR?! Apparently it is a genetic abnormality that causes a great deal of trouble staying pregnant and leads to many miscarriages. I also apparently will need to be on aspirin every single day for the rest of my life due to the clotting issues that go with this disorder. Pregnancy would be dangerous for me and for the baby. I would need shots in my stomach every day of pregnancy and before to even be able to get pregnant. I spend several months grieving.
"Ok, I guess I don't want children then!"
I told this to David after another night of crying and decided to give up this dream. I worked my way through grad school, I started my counseling career and was beginning to accept the idea that I would have to adopt. I could get pregnant but had seen a very close friend with the same disorder try for months at a time to get pregnant, have shots in her stomach every day, spend a great deal of money and only end up brokenhearted.
"David, I don't feel good, I think I'm sick."
I was miserable. I felt so aweful and apparently for good reason. I had a cold, a virus, a sinus infection and a baby in my tummy! I went to the doctor because I thought I might have the flu. I did not have the flu though I had several other issues and was in need of some serious antibiotics. Dr. Georgekutty decided before she could give me the strong meds she wanted to be sure I was not pregnant. I promptly told her that this was not possible since and I wasn't even on shots! She laughed at me, took away my glass of sweet tea, filled it with water, and cried with me right there in the office. She knew my fertility diagnosis and was thrilled for me. I was less than thrilled. Ok, I was petrified! I was not ready for a child! I had just come to terms with not being able to have them! We can't afford a baby! I'm not ready!
"Babe, I can't have tea for 9 months!"
I went home right after the doctor appointment. She had given me some mild antibiotics that would take longer to heal me but would not harm the baby. David was home that day taking care of me because I was so sick and I was so nervous about telling him. I knew he had been wanting children for a long time but we had both agreed that we were not going to talk about trying until after he finished seminary. What do I say, how do I tell him, will he be excited? I was so scared. I got home and was carrying my chick-fil-a cup that was now filled with water. As I walk into the room David starts peppering me with questions. Are you ok? What did the doctor say? Do you have the flu? I sat down beside him and explained the different illnesses that I had and then exclaimed, "and Dr. Georgekutty took my sweet tea from me and told me I couldn't have any caffeine for the next 9 months!" It took him a minute to get it.
"Oh, baby, I'm gonna be a daddy! I am so happy!"
He teared up and asked me how I felt about it. Now that I knew he was excited I had to face the fact that I was not. I was full of worry and fear. Is the baby ok? Is the pregnancy ectopic? I had not been on shots, would that hurt the baby? I saw Dr. Ehmer that very same day and all those fears were squashed. The baby was fine. It was a miracle I had made it to 6 weeks with no shots. My health was good. The heartbeat was strong. I was gonna be a mom!
"I can't do this!"
I spent the next 6 weeks crying every day. The shots in my stomach was extremely painful. My torse was covered in bruises. I was constantly nauseous or throwing up. Pregnancy was not a joy. I was severely depressed. I was so full of fear of being unable to be the mom I so desperately wanted to be. I was afraid I would loose the baby. I was certian I was not ready. God had decided otherwise.
"I'm bleeding."
I had just finished my first trimester and we had come home from church. We were changing clothes before eating lunch and I had begun to bleed. I was terrified once again. No longer was I afraid of the mother I would be but of loosing this beautiful child and not being able to be a mother at all. My week of bedrest gave me a great deal of time to think. I was being so selfish worrying about how my life would change, if I wanted this baby, if I could be a good mother, if, if, if, and God was trying to tell me that his love could overcome all of my fear. My depression subsided along with the bleeding. I was off bedrest a week later and the sono showed that he was in perfect health. In fact, we found out during that visit that we were indeed having a he. I just knew we were having a girl and made the lady check twice just to be sure!
"This is really happening huah?"
My husband assured me that it most certianly was, and that while I was frightened, I was never alone. God had plans for us and for our son, who we chose to name Conner David. I look back now at all that I felt and went through in those 9ish months before I saw his face and cannot imagine feeling all of that when I look at him. When I see his face and hear him giggle I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
Dear Conner,
Someday you will read what I am writing and see how you changed my life. You will know that I am flawed and that I was not ready for all that happened. You will also know that there is no one in the world I love more than you and your daddy. You make me a better person, you fill me with so much joy and happiness, you help me see God better. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. You will not always like me when I do what is best for you instead of what you want. But know this, above all else, there has never been a day in your entire life that I did not love you with all of my heart. I adore you. I learn from you. You are amazing. I tell you several times each day how much I love you. You don't understand what that means yet. You are only 4 months old. But someday you will understand what the word love means because through me God will show you in a million different ways. And someday when you understand what love is and are able to speak those words to me I will cry and tell you:
"I love you too, Conner."
David and I had been married a little over a year when I got this news from my doctor. I had been experiencing very severe lower back pain and went in to see the doctor who decided to run some tests. Apparently my ovaries had grown so many cysts that each of them was 5 times their normal size and twisting in on themselves, thus causing the back pain. I was devastated. David was speechless and had no idea how to comfort me. I was 23.
"What do we do?"
I asked my doctor. She promptly informed me that my best bet at saving my ovaries and giving myself any chance of children was to have surgery immediately. So, 2 weeks later I went under the knife and when she showed me the pics of my deformed ovaries after the surgery I cried.
"What do we do now?" She told me I should try and have children right away. I was not ready for that at all and began looking for a fertility specialist to give me a second opinion. A close friend referred me to Dr. Dale Ehmer. He ran so many tests on me I felt like a pin cushion. When the results of the test came back the diagnosis was daunting.
"You have something called MTHFR."
What in the world is MTHFR?! Apparently it is a genetic abnormality that causes a great deal of trouble staying pregnant and leads to many miscarriages. I also apparently will need to be on aspirin every single day for the rest of my life due to the clotting issues that go with this disorder. Pregnancy would be dangerous for me and for the baby. I would need shots in my stomach every day of pregnancy and before to even be able to get pregnant. I spend several months grieving.
"Ok, I guess I don't want children then!"
I told this to David after another night of crying and decided to give up this dream. I worked my way through grad school, I started my counseling career and was beginning to accept the idea that I would have to adopt. I could get pregnant but had seen a very close friend with the same disorder try for months at a time to get pregnant, have shots in her stomach every day, spend a great deal of money and only end up brokenhearted.
"David, I don't feel good, I think I'm sick."
I was miserable. I felt so aweful and apparently for good reason. I had a cold, a virus, a sinus infection and a baby in my tummy! I went to the doctor because I thought I might have the flu. I did not have the flu though I had several other issues and was in need of some serious antibiotics. Dr. Georgekutty decided before she could give me the strong meds she wanted to be sure I was not pregnant. I promptly told her that this was not possible since and I wasn't even on shots! She laughed at me, took away my glass of sweet tea, filled it with water, and cried with me right there in the office. She knew my fertility diagnosis and was thrilled for me. I was less than thrilled. Ok, I was petrified! I was not ready for a child! I had just come to terms with not being able to have them! We can't afford a baby! I'm not ready!
"Babe, I can't have tea for 9 months!"
I went home right after the doctor appointment. She had given me some mild antibiotics that would take longer to heal me but would not harm the baby. David was home that day taking care of me because I was so sick and I was so nervous about telling him. I knew he had been wanting children for a long time but we had both agreed that we were not going to talk about trying until after he finished seminary. What do I say, how do I tell him, will he be excited? I was so scared. I got home and was carrying my chick-fil-a cup that was now filled with water. As I walk into the room David starts peppering me with questions. Are you ok? What did the doctor say? Do you have the flu? I sat down beside him and explained the different illnesses that I had and then exclaimed, "and Dr. Georgekutty took my sweet tea from me and told me I couldn't have any caffeine for the next 9 months!" It took him a minute to get it.
"Oh, baby, I'm gonna be a daddy! I am so happy!"
He teared up and asked me how I felt about it. Now that I knew he was excited I had to face the fact that I was not. I was full of worry and fear. Is the baby ok? Is the pregnancy ectopic? I had not been on shots, would that hurt the baby? I saw Dr. Ehmer that very same day and all those fears were squashed. The baby was fine. It was a miracle I had made it to 6 weeks with no shots. My health was good. The heartbeat was strong. I was gonna be a mom!
"I can't do this!"
I spent the next 6 weeks crying every day. The shots in my stomach was extremely painful. My torse was covered in bruises. I was constantly nauseous or throwing up. Pregnancy was not a joy. I was severely depressed. I was so full of fear of being unable to be the mom I so desperately wanted to be. I was afraid I would loose the baby. I was certian I was not ready. God had decided otherwise.
"I'm bleeding."
I had just finished my first trimester and we had come home from church. We were changing clothes before eating lunch and I had begun to bleed. I was terrified once again. No longer was I afraid of the mother I would be but of loosing this beautiful child and not being able to be a mother at all. My week of bedrest gave me a great deal of time to think. I was being so selfish worrying about how my life would change, if I wanted this baby, if I could be a good mother, if, if, if, and God was trying to tell me that his love could overcome all of my fear. My depression subsided along with the bleeding. I was off bedrest a week later and the sono showed that he was in perfect health. In fact, we found out during that visit that we were indeed having a he. I just knew we were having a girl and made the lady check twice just to be sure!
"This is really happening huah?"
My husband assured me that it most certianly was, and that while I was frightened, I was never alone. God had plans for us and for our son, who we chose to name Conner David. I look back now at all that I felt and went through in those 9ish months before I saw his face and cannot imagine feeling all of that when I look at him. When I see his face and hear him giggle I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.
Dear Conner,
Someday you will read what I am writing and see how you changed my life. You will know that I am flawed and that I was not ready for all that happened. You will also know that there is no one in the world I love more than you and your daddy. You make me a better person, you fill me with so much joy and happiness, you help me see God better. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. You will not always like me when I do what is best for you instead of what you want. But know this, above all else, there has never been a day in your entire life that I did not love you with all of my heart. I adore you. I learn from you. You are amazing. I tell you several times each day how much I love you. You don't understand what that means yet. You are only 4 months old. But someday you will understand what the word love means because through me God will show you in a million different ways. And someday when you understand what love is and are able to speak those words to me I will cry and tell you:
"I love you too, Conner."
Thursday, May 10, 2012
At the End of Me
Most people become parents at some point in their lives. It could be because you did indeed have the child, adopted or became a beloved mentor to a child in need. And not matter what I have heard others say, pregnant women are indeed parents! They become so when they no longer have any control over their bodies! This process is amazing and painful. For some the process of pregnancy is a blissful experience and for others like myself it was pretty miserable. There are women who long to go through pregnancy no matter how miserable it might be for them and are unable to do so. They are incredible women and face so much to adopt the children they have spent their whole life waiting to love. I have even known couples who took on older or even adult children after they had gone through a trauma and were abandonded by their biological families. However parenthood comes to you it is beautiful, painful, overwhelming, and one of God's greatest growing tools of all time. I remember telling David one night while I could not stop throwing up that I was pretty sure I would never make it as a parent if I could barely survive pregnancy! He laughed and told me he was sure I could make it through both. There are some moments that I am so in awe of my beautiful baby boy that I can barely stand it. And then there are those moments when I am praying that he will please sleep just a few extra hours today so I can get a moments peace and quiet.
I confided in David that when I felt ready to go crazy that it made me feel like a bad mom and he once again laughed. He told me that all parents get overwhelmed, tired and have secret desires for their children to magically understand how exhausted they are and give them a break. He even said that while we will always love our children that we all have our days where we just want to take a day off from parenting. I am very glad I am not alone in needing a break once in a while. I am also very glad that God never needs a break from me. He is a dad all day every day just like us. But the difference, one of the many, is that he never gets tired of me. He never stops loving and pursuing me no matter how disobedient or rebellious I am. Oh, how grateful I am that I have God as my ultimate dad and that my son does as well. That when I get tired, annoyed, angry, and feel as though I am at the very end of myself, this is where I find God the most. when I am wallowing in my failures and my weaknesses it is in God that I find my ability to love Conner the best. When I think I am unable to give Conner all that he needs I am reminded that giving Conner all that he needs is not my job. Yes, I am called to love him and care for him but it takes so much pressure off knowing that as I love him, hold him, comfort him, cherish him and do my very best to be the mommy he needs that in the end he is in God's loving arms all of the time.
My first mother's day is coming. I am thrilled about it. I have never loved any job I have had as much as I do being a mom. No, it is not an actual job but the best description I can come up with to describe what I do in taking care of my Conner. I love him, care for him, feed him, change his very stinky diapers, play with him, sing to him, laugh with him and many times fall asleep next to him out of sheer exhaustion. He will not always be so small. He will grow and so will his needs. There will be times when I am at a loss and there are no words to say to comfort him. And during those times I will know that when his dad and I are at the end of ourselves our son will find a loving God.
I confided in David that when I felt ready to go crazy that it made me feel like a bad mom and he once again laughed. He told me that all parents get overwhelmed, tired and have secret desires for their children to magically understand how exhausted they are and give them a break. He even said that while we will always love our children that we all have our days where we just want to take a day off from parenting. I am very glad I am not alone in needing a break once in a while. I am also very glad that God never needs a break from me. He is a dad all day every day just like us. But the difference, one of the many, is that he never gets tired of me. He never stops loving and pursuing me no matter how disobedient or rebellious I am. Oh, how grateful I am that I have God as my ultimate dad and that my son does as well. That when I get tired, annoyed, angry, and feel as though I am at the very end of myself, this is where I find God the most. when I am wallowing in my failures and my weaknesses it is in God that I find my ability to love Conner the best. When I think I am unable to give Conner all that he needs I am reminded that giving Conner all that he needs is not my job. Yes, I am called to love him and care for him but it takes so much pressure off knowing that as I love him, hold him, comfort him, cherish him and do my very best to be the mommy he needs that in the end he is in God's loving arms all of the time.
My first mother's day is coming. I am thrilled about it. I have never loved any job I have had as much as I do being a mom. No, it is not an actual job but the best description I can come up with to describe what I do in taking care of my Conner. I love him, care for him, feed him, change his very stinky diapers, play with him, sing to him, laugh with him and many times fall asleep next to him out of sheer exhaustion. He will not always be so small. He will grow and so will his needs. There will be times when I am at a loss and there are no words to say to comfort him. And during those times I will know that when his dad and I are at the end of ourselves our son will find a loving God.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
We All Have Those Days.......
We all have those days. You know the ones I am talking about. You feel lonely. You feel like you cannot do anything right. You feel like you cannot say anything right. You are unsure of every action. Afraid that you will do something wrong. Like all you want to do is crawl under the covers and sleep and start all over tomorrow. Sure, these days usually coinside with my hormones but none the less it is days like this that I feel the presence of my savior the most. I curl up in a ball, pull the covers over my head and wait. And it is in the quiet place I hear him speak healing into the pain. Today was Easter. I love Easter so much. We celebrate something the world says is impossible. Christ died and rose again. He overcame sin and death. Today in his sermon my pastor spoke of the horrible pain that he endured but also the pain and dispair that his disciples and followers felt when he died. They felt lost and abandoned. Their grief was almost unbearable. It must have been the worst 3 days of their lives. Their entire lives were turned upside down and their heart was not just broken, it was crushed. They must have thought they would never know joy again. And just when they thought they could not bear it another minute.....he rose.
There have been days and even weeks in my life I was just certian I would not recover from a deep emotional wound that I received. I walked around like a zombie barely registering what was happening around me. And then one day I would wake up to the whispers of my sweet Savior. He would speak right into the pain and bring healing in the way only he can. My Jesus heals wounds in such a way that we are able to look back at the scars and find beauty within them. As I look back at the many scars I have accumulated over the years I see the way my sweet heavenly Father was breaking down all my walls, tearing down my hard fought pride, and removing my heart of stone. God uses our pain to mold us into the beautiful image of his son. In order to look like Jesus we must go through a great deal of pain. In the world pain produces anger, bitterness, resentment and vindictivness. Isn't it amazing that pain for the believer produces such beautiful things. We cannot live as though we have no hope. When we are broken Christ uses those times to show us that through him we will rise again.
So the next time I find myself wallowing in self pity no matter how much I feel like I deserve to sit in my pain I will remember that I have hope. I have a Savior that not only hurt and suffered but overcame in a way that ensured that we would be able to overcome any hurt and suffering we go through. As my pastor said this morning: the worst day in history and the best day in history were only a day apart. So the next time I have one of those days I will go to a quiet place, pull the covers over my head and cry knowing that in this pain there is hope. And from this pain I will be renewed and most of all....I will rise. And so will you.
There have been days and even weeks in my life I was just certian I would not recover from a deep emotional wound that I received. I walked around like a zombie barely registering what was happening around me. And then one day I would wake up to the whispers of my sweet Savior. He would speak right into the pain and bring healing in the way only he can. My Jesus heals wounds in such a way that we are able to look back at the scars and find beauty within them. As I look back at the many scars I have accumulated over the years I see the way my sweet heavenly Father was breaking down all my walls, tearing down my hard fought pride, and removing my heart of stone. God uses our pain to mold us into the beautiful image of his son. In order to look like Jesus we must go through a great deal of pain. In the world pain produces anger, bitterness, resentment and vindictivness. Isn't it amazing that pain for the believer produces such beautiful things. We cannot live as though we have no hope. When we are broken Christ uses those times to show us that through him we will rise again.
So the next time I find myself wallowing in self pity no matter how much I feel like I deserve to sit in my pain I will remember that I have hope. I have a Savior that not only hurt and suffered but overcame in a way that ensured that we would be able to overcome any hurt and suffering we go through. As my pastor said this morning: the worst day in history and the best day in history were only a day apart. So the next time I have one of those days I will go to a quiet place, pull the covers over my head and cry knowing that in this pain there is hope. And from this pain I will be renewed and most of all....I will rise. And so will you.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Listening to the Laughter
My shift with Conner started 2 hours ago. David fell asleep 1 hour ago. He started laughing in his sleep 30 minutes ago. I have been smiling for 30 minutes. Conner's laugh sounds like his daddy's. He has been doing it for the last few nights and I have yet to tell him for fear that if he knows he is doing it he might stop. Sometimes stress gets to us and we forget to take time to laugh or remember how good life can be. I found myself laughing really hard for the first time in what seems like weeks. With the baby struggling to sleep and my love of sleep clashing it makes it very hard to be cheery. He makes me overwhelmed with joy and yet the needs he has are sometimes exhausting. And just when I think I don't have any strength to go on he will look at me and smile and somehow I can keep going. Never are we more aware of our selfishness that when we have children. David told me he realized his selfishness just a week after having Conner. I had been up with him all day and into the night and by 4am I had reached a breaking point. I woke David up to get some help and he complained for several minutes. I left the room and continued to take care of Conner while crying. He came into the room and said, "Wow, I never realized how selfish I was till we had Conner, I'm sorry, please go lay down and I will take him."
Before we had him our schedule was full of things like, school, homework, date nights, sleeping in, taking naps, dinner out with friends, and of course ministry in all its many forms. We went where we wanted to when we wanted to. We slept in on Saturdays and made pancakes. We went to late movies. Those things seem like distant memories. I do miss them at times but for some reason they pale in comparison to nights in with my boys. Before we got pregnant I heard friends talk about their lives before and after children and it did not sound exciting. I was missing the reason the change is so wonderful. Never have David and I been closer and never have I loved another person so much as I do now. I was afraid that children would mean that David and I would not be as close but the truth is just the opposite. We have never been closer or needed each other more than we do now. We are so in love with the little person that God has given us and this love has made all the difference.
Now when I need help David is quick to offer it. He even does it without being asked most of the time. God has changed him and me for the better in so many ways. I find myself amazed at all the changes that have taken place in just a few short months. I'm awake listening for the cry of my son. I even hear babies crying when I'm alone. I never thought I had what it took to be and parent and there are still days where I don't. But, God knows my fears and has given me all the tools I need to be the wife and mommy he has asked me to be. You see, alone I am incapable of loving David or Conner the way they need, but when God does it through me I can be more than adequate. I can be excellent, amazing, beautiful, kind, patient, joyful, patient, loving, nurturing and even selfless. When God does it through me it is so incredible that I cannot help but stop and smile. Or better still listen to the laughter and laugh right along with it.
Before we had him our schedule was full of things like, school, homework, date nights, sleeping in, taking naps, dinner out with friends, and of course ministry in all its many forms. We went where we wanted to when we wanted to. We slept in on Saturdays and made pancakes. We went to late movies. Those things seem like distant memories. I do miss them at times but for some reason they pale in comparison to nights in with my boys. Before we got pregnant I heard friends talk about their lives before and after children and it did not sound exciting. I was missing the reason the change is so wonderful. Never have David and I been closer and never have I loved another person so much as I do now. I was afraid that children would mean that David and I would not be as close but the truth is just the opposite. We have never been closer or needed each other more than we do now. We are so in love with the little person that God has given us and this love has made all the difference.
Now when I need help David is quick to offer it. He even does it without being asked most of the time. God has changed him and me for the better in so many ways. I find myself amazed at all the changes that have taken place in just a few short months. I'm awake listening for the cry of my son. I even hear babies crying when I'm alone. I never thought I had what it took to be and parent and there are still days where I don't. But, God knows my fears and has given me all the tools I need to be the wife and mommy he has asked me to be. You see, alone I am incapable of loving David or Conner the way they need, but when God does it through me I can be more than adequate. I can be excellent, amazing, beautiful, kind, patient, joyful, patient, loving, nurturing and even selfless. When God does it through me it is so incredible that I cannot help but stop and smile. Or better still listen to the laughter and laugh right along with it.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Every Single Word
Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
My husband told our youth a couple of years ago something that stuck with me so profoundly that I share it with as many people as I can. He said that every single word out of our mouth has the potential to be discouraging or encouraging. EVERY SINGLE WORD! I believe he got this idea from a book he was reading and I will ask him when he wakes up who that author is but WOW! A word as simple as yes or no can be discouraging! It is all in the way you say it, the inflection in your voice, the expression on your face, the stance your body takes that says so much more than that one word ever could. I think about the things I have said today and how I said them and am certian I was not encouraging the whole time. Yet, this should be the goal. Even when we are correcting a child, a friend, or a co-worker the attitude should be the same, loving and encouraging. Yet, we are so mean to each other! When did sarcasm become an entire language!?! Joking can be fun and even funny but if we are honest the kind of joking that usually takes place is small jabs at each other followed by a quick "I was only joking!" to make the other person feel as though they are too sensitive instead of us realizing that we are being hurtful. I came across a verse I read often in Proverbs 26 that says:
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"
By using hurtful words we are literally throwing death! As my former pastor used to say, if you can't say amen, say ouch! You can say I'm being too harsh but take the time to think about the words spoken to you in the name of joking. A snide comment about your weight, or your hair, the job you do, the friends you have, the way you see the world. We belittle each other so often that it has become a way of life. I believe with all of my heart that when I stand before my Savior he will hold me accountable not only for all of my actions but every careless word I have spoken. This gives me goosebumps just thinking about all the things I have said in passing that may have hurt others simply because I was not thinking. There is a reason the Bible says the tongue is evil! We have to be paying attention all the time to our mouth. When someone becomes careless with their words it is like saying that they do not care what comes out of their mouth or what it does to those around them. How sad that we as Christians are often the most guilty of this. A Christian friend once told me after I shared this with them that they could never stop being sarcastic because it was too much a part of who they were. May we never become so set in a way of doing things that we are unable to change and grow.
We all have an area of our speech that needs work. I am often so pessimestic that I feel like I'm choking on my negativity. As I write this I find myself saddened that I still struggle with this after all these years of seeing God come through in my life and if I am like most I will battle this area most if not all of my life. God has so much to say to the world through his children about so many things, but especially about how much he loves them. It is impossible to be loving and hateful at the same time! Are we up to the task? Or will we spend all of our time trying to be witty at the expense of others? I guess what I am saying all boils down to this:
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
My husband told our youth a couple of years ago something that stuck with me so profoundly that I share it with as many people as I can. He said that every single word out of our mouth has the potential to be discouraging or encouraging. EVERY SINGLE WORD! I believe he got this idea from a book he was reading and I will ask him when he wakes up who that author is but WOW! A word as simple as yes or no can be discouraging! It is all in the way you say it, the inflection in your voice, the expression on your face, the stance your body takes that says so much more than that one word ever could. I think about the things I have said today and how I said them and am certian I was not encouraging the whole time. Yet, this should be the goal. Even when we are correcting a child, a friend, or a co-worker the attitude should be the same, loving and encouraging. Yet, we are so mean to each other! When did sarcasm become an entire language!?! Joking can be fun and even funny but if we are honest the kind of joking that usually takes place is small jabs at each other followed by a quick "I was only joking!" to make the other person feel as though they are too sensitive instead of us realizing that we are being hurtful. I came across a verse I read often in Proverbs 26 that says:
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I am only joking!"
By using hurtful words we are literally throwing death! As my former pastor used to say, if you can't say amen, say ouch! You can say I'm being too harsh but take the time to think about the words spoken to you in the name of joking. A snide comment about your weight, or your hair, the job you do, the friends you have, the way you see the world. We belittle each other so often that it has become a way of life. I believe with all of my heart that when I stand before my Savior he will hold me accountable not only for all of my actions but every careless word I have spoken. This gives me goosebumps just thinking about all the things I have said in passing that may have hurt others simply because I was not thinking. There is a reason the Bible says the tongue is evil! We have to be paying attention all the time to our mouth. When someone becomes careless with their words it is like saying that they do not care what comes out of their mouth or what it does to those around them. How sad that we as Christians are often the most guilty of this. A Christian friend once told me after I shared this with them that they could never stop being sarcastic because it was too much a part of who they were. May we never become so set in a way of doing things that we are unable to change and grow.
We all have an area of our speech that needs work. I am often so pessimestic that I feel like I'm choking on my negativity. As I write this I find myself saddened that I still struggle with this after all these years of seeing God come through in my life and if I am like most I will battle this area most if not all of my life. God has so much to say to the world through his children about so many things, but especially about how much he loves them. It is impossible to be loving and hateful at the same time! Are we up to the task? Or will we spend all of our time trying to be witty at the expense of others? I guess what I am saying all boils down to this:
Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Children Do Not Exist For Our Ease And Comfort
Sometimes I sit here and watch him sleep and am overwhelmed by the love I feel. Since the moment I heard his heartbeat I have been in love with him. Yes, I was scared, overwhelmed and unable to understand all that it meant to be a mother. To be a parent is a daunting task. To be trusted by God to raise up his child in a manner that pleases him should make us feel overwhelmed. It is an impossible task without his help!
I read an article today about women desiring to have post birth abortions and was overwhelmed with grief. This is the opposite of what it means to be a parent in every possible way. I cannot imagine loosing him without my stomach hurting. The heart of our God beats for his children. His love for us knows no end and is not based on our actions. A dear friend recently found out early on in her pregnancy that her child had a heart defect. This defect was very serious and life threatening. Aborting her pregnancy never entered her mind. This was her child, her beautiful baby boy and a gift from God. He was born and immediately went into surgery. He spent 3 months in the hospital afterwards. They barely slept. He consumed their thoughts and prayers. They held him. They cared for him. They cried with him. They felt all of his pain as though it were their own. They cannot imagine a life without him. They are his parents.
Right before we had Conner we visited them in the hospital. Things were hard and painful but that was not the point. They were not focused on themselves but their child. Their needs no longer came first. When making decisions about their family what was easiest no longer factored into the equation. Children do not exist for our ease and comfort. They are a gift to be cared for, nurtured, loved, cherished and most of all protected. In them David and I saw the kind of parents we wanted to be and were awed by their love for their child. I believe with all my heart that the love God has for us is sacrificial and that the love for our children and others should be just that. I cannot imagine love existing without sacrifice. (Thank you Wes Terry!) Christ died because he loved us and continues to love us. I cannot imagine my savior saying that my needs are too great. That he is unwilling to take care of me because I did not turn out to be what he wanted or expected. He died because I was not able to atone for my own sins. I have never been able to take care of myself, meet my own needs, or be of use to anyone without Christ. I believe God gives us children for many reasons and one of those reasons is to understand how much he loves us and how desperately we need him. He does not walk away when things are difficult or painful. He does not say that our needs are too great. He meets our needs. He never leaves us. He hears our prayers. He counts our tears. He is our Dad and we are his children. May we all aspire to be the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.
I read an article today about women desiring to have post birth abortions and was overwhelmed with grief. This is the opposite of what it means to be a parent in every possible way. I cannot imagine loosing him without my stomach hurting. The heart of our God beats for his children. His love for us knows no end and is not based on our actions. A dear friend recently found out early on in her pregnancy that her child had a heart defect. This defect was very serious and life threatening. Aborting her pregnancy never entered her mind. This was her child, her beautiful baby boy and a gift from God. He was born and immediately went into surgery. He spent 3 months in the hospital afterwards. They barely slept. He consumed their thoughts and prayers. They held him. They cared for him. They cried with him. They felt all of his pain as though it were their own. They cannot imagine a life without him. They are his parents.
Right before we had Conner we visited them in the hospital. Things were hard and painful but that was not the point. They were not focused on themselves but their child. Their needs no longer came first. When making decisions about their family what was easiest no longer factored into the equation. Children do not exist for our ease and comfort. They are a gift to be cared for, nurtured, loved, cherished and most of all protected. In them David and I saw the kind of parents we wanted to be and were awed by their love for their child. I believe with all my heart that the love God has for us is sacrificial and that the love for our children and others should be just that. I cannot imagine love existing without sacrifice. (Thank you Wes Terry!) Christ died because he loved us and continues to love us. I cannot imagine my savior saying that my needs are too great. That he is unwilling to take care of me because I did not turn out to be what he wanted or expected. He died because I was not able to atone for my own sins. I have never been able to take care of myself, meet my own needs, or be of use to anyone without Christ. I believe God gives us children for many reasons and one of those reasons is to understand how much he loves us and how desperately we need him. He does not walk away when things are difficult or painful. He does not say that our needs are too great. He meets our needs. He never leaves us. He hears our prayers. He counts our tears. He is our Dad and we are his children. May we all aspire to be the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Flowers, Chocolate, and Presents Oh My!
I love Valentine's Day. I love everything about it. The flowers, the chocolates, the food, and the presents would make any woman swoon. And you would think they are the reason for my excitement but you would be wrong.
I was 15 and got dumped on Valentine's Day! It was terrible and it started my lengthy hatred for this sweetest of holidays. Every year after for the next 5 years I wholeheartedly loathed Valentine's Day and tried to ignore it and all the annoying couples celebrating it.
I met David on September 10th of my junior year in college. I was hurt and jaded from a bad breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. He had cheated on me the month before I met David. I was not looking for a relationship. Funny the things that stay with you. I remember what David was wearing when we met. I remember his passion for God and talking to him for hours. I remember dancing with him. I remember how good looking I thought he was to spite his dorky hat and flip flops that were waaaay too big. I remember how much I liked his truck. I remember how when I introduced myself he already knew who I was and how creepy I thought that was.
You see he had known who I was for over a year. He was roomates with a friend of mine and had heard me sing a solo in a Christmas musical. He had asked about me then. Chris promptly informed him that I was very taken. The night we met started so much in my life, and the beauty of it is I remember so much of it. I always prayed that I would know my husband when I met him. I certianly did. We met around 6 that night and did not stop talking till 6 the next morning. We knew this was something special. I was terrified. Our friends were concerned I was rebounding too fast and we put off dating seriously for 5 months. He kept pursuing me slowly and steadily and would not give up to spite my hesitation and fears. Then we felt ready to move forward around the beginning of February. He said he was going to make Valentine's Day very special and it would signify the beginning of our exclusivity.
He said to pack for a weekend in the metroplex. No I didn't need anything dressy, it was to be a relaxed weekend. We would be spending time in his hometown with his family. I woke up on the Friday morning we were supposed to leave to a very early phone call. There was a delivery for me downstairs that I needed to come and sign for. I took my sleepy self to the bottom of the dorms to find a delivery of beautiful tulips waiting for me. There was also an adorable stuffed dog wearing a red sweater with the words "Happy Valentine's Day Desiree" embroidered on it. I was so excited and if that had been all David had done it would have been wonderful. But he was not done, not by a long shot. We drove to Arlington strait to Ranger's stadium. Our first date had been to a Ranger's game that previous September and he wanted to remind me of how much fun we had so we took a tour of the ballpark. It was pouring down rain and I could not have cared less. We saw the locker rooms, the dugouts, the field, and kissed in the seats. He bought me a tee-shirt to remind me of the day. I was having so much fun and when I asked if we were going back to Mansfield he said it would be a while.
He then proceded to tell me how we were going to this amazing restaurant that night and since he had made sure I had nothing dressy to wear he was going to take me shopping! He bought me a beautiful black and white dress, sparkly shoes that I have to this day as a reminder, a purse, purfume and even jewelry. I was totally overwhelmed! When I asked him why he was doing all of this he said that he was tired of me not knowing how valuable I was and he was determined to show me how much he valued me. He had been saving for this weekend and making plans for it for months. When we went to dinner that night I was walking on air and a very cute pair of heels! We ate at this amazing italian restaurant and the food was incredible. Well, my food was, David ordered shrimp and was served a dish that consisted of 5 small shrimp and nothing more. He tried to play it off and act as though it would fill him up but in the end we laughed about it a lot and went to get him taco bell.
I still have pictures from that night. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I had never been treated so lovingly, thoughtfully, or beautifully before. David won my heart that Valentine's night. We were inseperable every day after that and engaged that December. Our next Valentine's he took me out to dinner and recited his proposal to me since I had been so overwhelmed during it that I had not heard a word he had said!
Each Valentine's gets better. Not because of gifts or chocolate but because from that day to this I have never wondered if I was loved and cherished. David has shown me a million times in a million ways that I am his beloved. To be loved so beautifully and thoroughly is such a rare gift and I am well aware of what a blessing it is. The pain of previous boyfriends and a very difficult relationship with my father all led to my complete misunderstanding of what love should look like. I had no concept of God's love and David told me that he saw it as his job to show me through our relationship how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It took a long time for me to trust my David fully. Each day is a step in my walk with God to see him as a loving father who wants the best for me and will never seek to hurt me. I would never have gotten to this place without my husband and his overwhelming passion and love for God and for me.
So each year we celebrate our love and the gift we have in each other. I am so grateful that he sought me, pursued me, loved me, cherished me, strengthened me, encouraged me, challenged me, served me, led me and continues to do so to this day. Because of my groom I see what the ultimate groom looks like and he is beautiful.
Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!
I was 15 and got dumped on Valentine's Day! It was terrible and it started my lengthy hatred for this sweetest of holidays. Every year after for the next 5 years I wholeheartedly loathed Valentine's Day and tried to ignore it and all the annoying couples celebrating it.
I met David on September 10th of my junior year in college. I was hurt and jaded from a bad breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. He had cheated on me the month before I met David. I was not looking for a relationship. Funny the things that stay with you. I remember what David was wearing when we met. I remember his passion for God and talking to him for hours. I remember dancing with him. I remember how good looking I thought he was to spite his dorky hat and flip flops that were waaaay too big. I remember how much I liked his truck. I remember how when I introduced myself he already knew who I was and how creepy I thought that was.
You see he had known who I was for over a year. He was roomates with a friend of mine and had heard me sing a solo in a Christmas musical. He had asked about me then. Chris promptly informed him that I was very taken. The night we met started so much in my life, and the beauty of it is I remember so much of it. I always prayed that I would know my husband when I met him. I certianly did. We met around 6 that night and did not stop talking till 6 the next morning. We knew this was something special. I was terrified. Our friends were concerned I was rebounding too fast and we put off dating seriously for 5 months. He kept pursuing me slowly and steadily and would not give up to spite my hesitation and fears. Then we felt ready to move forward around the beginning of February. He said he was going to make Valentine's Day very special and it would signify the beginning of our exclusivity.
He said to pack for a weekend in the metroplex. No I didn't need anything dressy, it was to be a relaxed weekend. We would be spending time in his hometown with his family. I woke up on the Friday morning we were supposed to leave to a very early phone call. There was a delivery for me downstairs that I needed to come and sign for. I took my sleepy self to the bottom of the dorms to find a delivery of beautiful tulips waiting for me. There was also an adorable stuffed dog wearing a red sweater with the words "Happy Valentine's Day Desiree" embroidered on it. I was so excited and if that had been all David had done it would have been wonderful. But he was not done, not by a long shot. We drove to Arlington strait to Ranger's stadium. Our first date had been to a Ranger's game that previous September and he wanted to remind me of how much fun we had so we took a tour of the ballpark. It was pouring down rain and I could not have cared less. We saw the locker rooms, the dugouts, the field, and kissed in the seats. He bought me a tee-shirt to remind me of the day. I was having so much fun and when I asked if we were going back to Mansfield he said it would be a while.
He then proceded to tell me how we were going to this amazing restaurant that night and since he had made sure I had nothing dressy to wear he was going to take me shopping! He bought me a beautiful black and white dress, sparkly shoes that I have to this day as a reminder, a purse, purfume and even jewelry. I was totally overwhelmed! When I asked him why he was doing all of this he said that he was tired of me not knowing how valuable I was and he was determined to show me how much he valued me. He had been saving for this weekend and making plans for it for months. When we went to dinner that night I was walking on air and a very cute pair of heels! We ate at this amazing italian restaurant and the food was incredible. Well, my food was, David ordered shrimp and was served a dish that consisted of 5 small shrimp and nothing more. He tried to play it off and act as though it would fill him up but in the end we laughed about it a lot and went to get him taco bell.
I still have pictures from that night. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I had never been treated so lovingly, thoughtfully, or beautifully before. David won my heart that Valentine's night. We were inseperable every day after that and engaged that December. Our next Valentine's he took me out to dinner and recited his proposal to me since I had been so overwhelmed during it that I had not heard a word he had said!
Each Valentine's gets better. Not because of gifts or chocolate but because from that day to this I have never wondered if I was loved and cherished. David has shown me a million times in a million ways that I am his beloved. To be loved so beautifully and thoroughly is such a rare gift and I am well aware of what a blessing it is. The pain of previous boyfriends and a very difficult relationship with my father all led to my complete misunderstanding of what love should look like. I had no concept of God's love and David told me that he saw it as his job to show me through our relationship how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It took a long time for me to trust my David fully. Each day is a step in my walk with God to see him as a loving father who wants the best for me and will never seek to hurt me. I would never have gotten to this place without my husband and his overwhelming passion and love for God and for me.
So each year we celebrate our love and the gift we have in each other. I am so grateful that he sought me, pursued me, loved me, cherished me, strengthened me, encouraged me, challenged me, served me, led me and continues to do so to this day. Because of my groom I see what the ultimate groom looks like and he is beautiful.
Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Labor and Growing Pains
It is 2am. I am sick. My throat hurts and I can only breath through one nostril. My whole body aches and I cannot move my neck to the right. I am hungry. I am exhausted. I have milk on my shoulder and pee on my shirt. My house is not clean. The laundry is not done. I have never been happier in my life. I am a wife. I am a mommy. I am not who I was just 6 weeks ago. I spent the first 5 and a half months of pregnancy sick and throwing up. He was so tall right before he was born that it was hard to breath. I woke up every night of my last month of pregnancy throwing up stomach acid. I was wondering how I would make it and why all of these women say it is wonderful and worth it. I had no idea what would happen to me or how God would completely change me in a matter of moments.
The pain was worse than I could have imagined. I screamed and cried. I swore I would as least not scream. He came out after only 45 minutes of pushing and Dr. Ehmer practically threw him onto my chest. He was crying and just as I had done for the past 9 months when he was fussy I sang to him. He was 1 minute old and it was all I could think of to do to soothe him. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me with these big beautiful dark blue eyes and all of a sudden I knew. I understood why women say it is worth it. I understood why women say having children is the most incredible experience a person can have. I understood why my husband was excited about children when I was just plain terrified. I understood why he said I would want another one someday even when I said that I would only have this one because pregnancy was so miserable. I understood a world of wisdom in a moment of singing to my beautiful child. Most of all I understood why God sent his son, and why people say you understand the love of God infinitely better when you have children. There is nothing I would not do for him. There is nothing he could do to change my love for him. I would die for him. God loves his children the very same way. My walk with God changed forever in an instant.
One hour after giving birth I started throwing up. My blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and I starting slurring my words. Apparently I was hemmoraging and didn't know it. We had always known it would be a possibility but thought we had taken all the necessary precautions. I was in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes. David was holding Conner and scared to death. He said he kept trying to talk to me and my words were more like gibberish. I lost a great deal of blood. It seems that my uterus did not contract after birth and had been hemmoraging into my abdominal cavity without us knowing it. Dr. Ehmer (the world's greatest doctor!) said he has never run from his office back to the hospital so fast. He and the nurses saved my life. I had no idea how close I came to death till one of the nurses was briefing the next nurse on duty and said to watch me close since they had almost lost me. I almost lost my life and during those scary moments all I could think of was how much I didn't want to leave my husband and son. How much I loved them and wanted to be there for them. Not a lot of people get to have so many a life changing moments so close together but I did. If I would have died to be able to have him in the world it was worth it.
There is so much selfishness that seems to die when looking into the face of your child. I listened to a wonderful sermon recently that talked about how true love is one of sacrifice. How parents sacrifice to give their children what they need. We let go of our desire for nice things so our children can have them. We loose sleep to confort them when they cry. We give time we never thought we had to be there for them. We give up what we want to be sure they can have what they need. God did this for us and I have never been so in awe of the cross as I am now. I asked God about a year ago to turn me into a different person. One who could sacrifice. Once who could love more and better than I thought possible. One who could hear his voice and share his love like never before. One who could serve him through ministry, counseling and writing in a way I had always dreamed. I was pregnant a month later. And I am certian that I want another one. God has a wonderful and ironic sense of humor.
The pain was worse than I could have imagined. I screamed and cried. I swore I would as least not scream. He came out after only 45 minutes of pushing and Dr. Ehmer practically threw him onto my chest. He was crying and just as I had done for the past 9 months when he was fussy I sang to him. He was 1 minute old and it was all I could think of to do to soothe him. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me with these big beautiful dark blue eyes and all of a sudden I knew. I understood why women say it is worth it. I understood why women say having children is the most incredible experience a person can have. I understood why my husband was excited about children when I was just plain terrified. I understood why he said I would want another one someday even when I said that I would only have this one because pregnancy was so miserable. I understood a world of wisdom in a moment of singing to my beautiful child. Most of all I understood why God sent his son, and why people say you understand the love of God infinitely better when you have children. There is nothing I would not do for him. There is nothing he could do to change my love for him. I would die for him. God loves his children the very same way. My walk with God changed forever in an instant.
One hour after giving birth I started throwing up. My blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and I starting slurring my words. Apparently I was hemmoraging and didn't know it. We had always known it would be a possibility but thought we had taken all the necessary precautions. I was in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes. David was holding Conner and scared to death. He said he kept trying to talk to me and my words were more like gibberish. I lost a great deal of blood. It seems that my uterus did not contract after birth and had been hemmoraging into my abdominal cavity without us knowing it. Dr. Ehmer (the world's greatest doctor!) said he has never run from his office back to the hospital so fast. He and the nurses saved my life. I had no idea how close I came to death till one of the nurses was briefing the next nurse on duty and said to watch me close since they had almost lost me. I almost lost my life and during those scary moments all I could think of was how much I didn't want to leave my husband and son. How much I loved them and wanted to be there for them. Not a lot of people get to have so many a life changing moments so close together but I did. If I would have died to be able to have him in the world it was worth it.
There is so much selfishness that seems to die when looking into the face of your child. I listened to a wonderful sermon recently that talked about how true love is one of sacrifice. How parents sacrifice to give their children what they need. We let go of our desire for nice things so our children can have them. We loose sleep to confort them when they cry. We give time we never thought we had to be there for them. We give up what we want to be sure they can have what they need. God did this for us and I have never been so in awe of the cross as I am now. I asked God about a year ago to turn me into a different person. One who could sacrifice. Once who could love more and better than I thought possible. One who could hear his voice and share his love like never before. One who could serve him through ministry, counseling and writing in a way I had always dreamed. I was pregnant a month later. And I am certian that I want another one. God has a wonderful and ironic sense of humor.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Fighting with a Broken Foot
I started taking karate. I had always wanted to but it just never happened. This really never bothered me until I took self defense and then I got the fever. Self defense was just such an incredible experience that I wanted to continue building on what I had learned. So I got brave and walked into Troy Dorsey's studio upon the advise of almost everyone I knew who said I should do it. I think a few of them just wanted to see girly Desiree' try to beat someone else up since I might be the prissiest girl on the planet! But to spite all of my reservations here I was standing in the middle of the studio in this bright white uniform looking at my teacher who happens to be this incredible fighter (Troy Dorsey himself) with something like a 9th degree black belt (no idea how you get to that), who has literally knocked people unconscious and I'm scared to death! But he just smiles at me, teaches me the guidelines, and then we are off and running. I learned how to put someone in a headlock, get out of a bear hug, and the best way to hit someone in every sensitive place you could think of! All of this was on my first night in the class! We worked every muscle I had and some I was not aware I had and as we are learning the most effective way to step on someone's foot it dawned on me. I'm a lot braver than I used to be.
Fear has seemed to run my life for more years than I care to admit. I was afraid of failure, loss, hurt, or becoming something I swore I never would. These fears have kept me from doing so much. You see, when you stomp on the foot in exactly the correct way you will break the bones of the foot and most importantly the bones that create the arch. All of the tendons arould these bones support it and allow a person to walk correctly. When this support is damaged and the bones broken a person is incapable of moving and walking correctly. In fact they may never walk the same way again. This seems to have been my situation up to this point. I was letting fear be my motivation instead of God and my passion for what I loved. So much of my life has been spent afraid. Afraid that I will let myself or others down. Afraid that I did not have what it takes to succeed. I don't want to live that way anymore! Its draining! It is true that what we go through changes us. I may never walk the way I once did, after all my foot has been broken many times in the metaphorical sense. But who needs to walk perfectly when you can take someone down simply using the palm of your hand! So as I stepped onto the mat for my second night of karate in my bare feet I felt that firm sense of resolve that says I am much stronger than I look and I will learn how to fight instead of run from what I fear.
I was so sore and tired when I got home that night but I could not stop smiling. My sweet and supportive husband asked how it went and I sweetly said I would tell him if he would rub my very sore arms! So I sat there and explained what we did and how I felt about it as he worked a very large knot out of my left arm. Then I went and soaked my tired feet and talked to God. This was not simply a way for me to go out at night by myself without being afraid, this was being able to walk when wounded and fight through fear.
Now if only they would make a pink karate uniform! Yes, others would laugh, until they had to fight me!
Fear has seemed to run my life for more years than I care to admit. I was afraid of failure, loss, hurt, or becoming something I swore I never would. These fears have kept me from doing so much. You see, when you stomp on the foot in exactly the correct way you will break the bones of the foot and most importantly the bones that create the arch. All of the tendons arould these bones support it and allow a person to walk correctly. When this support is damaged and the bones broken a person is incapable of moving and walking correctly. In fact they may never walk the same way again. This seems to have been my situation up to this point. I was letting fear be my motivation instead of God and my passion for what I loved. So much of my life has been spent afraid. Afraid that I will let myself or others down. Afraid that I did not have what it takes to succeed. I don't want to live that way anymore! Its draining! It is true that what we go through changes us. I may never walk the way I once did, after all my foot has been broken many times in the metaphorical sense. But who needs to walk perfectly when you can take someone down simply using the palm of your hand! So as I stepped onto the mat for my second night of karate in my bare feet I felt that firm sense of resolve that says I am much stronger than I look and I will learn how to fight instead of run from what I fear.
I was so sore and tired when I got home that night but I could not stop smiling. My sweet and supportive husband asked how it went and I sweetly said I would tell him if he would rub my very sore arms! So I sat there and explained what we did and how I felt about it as he worked a very large knot out of my left arm. Then I went and soaked my tired feet and talked to God. This was not simply a way for me to go out at night by myself without being afraid, this was being able to walk when wounded and fight through fear.
Now if only they would make a pink karate uniform! Yes, others would laugh, until they had to fight me!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Summer in Texas Makes Me Want to Live in Canada!
Summer in in the air. You can see it everywhere you look. Its in the blooming flowers, annoying spiders and bugs, and of course the sweltering heat! I spend twice as much on hair products, sunscreen, and detergent to combat this most unbearable of seasons! Yet, I have always loved summer for one singular reason, it always meant freedom! Not so much now that I am an adult. I am not someone who likes heat, I don't like to sweat, and in this humid weather taming my curly hair is nearly impossible.
I am certian I was made for colder weather, as evidenced by the fact that if I spend more than 10 minutes in the sun I burn and blister. Each time I step into the Texas heat, watch my makeup melt off my face, or put lotion on a fresh sunburn I am reminded that I deeply desire to live in cold weather. I know I am unusual and yet I will admit that there is something to be said for feeling the sun on your face (as long as it is coated in a thick layer of sunscreen!). I only like to feel this feeling when at a Rangers baseball game or in my favorite case, sitting by the pool. In the last few years it was sitting by the pool that I had such sweet times with God. All is quiet and I am warm and comfortable. There is no where to go and nothing to do. I am still on these rare occasions and God begins to speak softly to my racing thoughts and seemingly endless worries.
It would seem that God has always had a way of speaking to his children in the most painfully unbearable of conditions. I believe it is when we are most desperate and likely to listen. No, sitting by the pool is not painful for me, that is unless I forget to reapply the sunscreen! But its very warm and I am very still. His children wandered in the desert, and his son was tested in the wilderness. It would seem that God uses heat to raise our awareness of who he is. This happens physically, emotionally and spiritually to all of us. In Isaiah, chapter 48 the Bible says "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction."
Maybe that is why I dislike heat so much. I run so hard to avoid pain. I do not run like I once did. In some cases I even face it head on and work through it. But every fiber of my being has the desire to flee from painful circumstances. Sadly, this is when I hear God the best and am now finding myself once again in need of lingering a little longer in the presence of the Son. I need a fresh word from God on life, relationships, and my future. In his presence it is warm, peaceful, not peaceful as the world defines it but a peace that surpasses all understanding. It even surpasses my inevitable sunburn if I linger in his presence so long that I forget to put on more sunscreen!
So, summer, as much as I detest you for the most part. You are a season that I must endure and if I'm smart, learn to enjoy because you speak through all seasons!
I am certian I was made for colder weather, as evidenced by the fact that if I spend more than 10 minutes in the sun I burn and blister. Each time I step into the Texas heat, watch my makeup melt off my face, or put lotion on a fresh sunburn I am reminded that I deeply desire to live in cold weather. I know I am unusual and yet I will admit that there is something to be said for feeling the sun on your face (as long as it is coated in a thick layer of sunscreen!). I only like to feel this feeling when at a Rangers baseball game or in my favorite case, sitting by the pool. In the last few years it was sitting by the pool that I had such sweet times with God. All is quiet and I am warm and comfortable. There is no where to go and nothing to do. I am still on these rare occasions and God begins to speak softly to my racing thoughts and seemingly endless worries.
It would seem that God has always had a way of speaking to his children in the most painfully unbearable of conditions. I believe it is when we are most desperate and likely to listen. No, sitting by the pool is not painful for me, that is unless I forget to reapply the sunscreen! But its very warm and I am very still. His children wandered in the desert, and his son was tested in the wilderness. It would seem that God uses heat to raise our awareness of who he is. This happens physically, emotionally and spiritually to all of us. In Isaiah, chapter 48 the Bible says "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction."
Maybe that is why I dislike heat so much. I run so hard to avoid pain. I do not run like I once did. In some cases I even face it head on and work through it. But every fiber of my being has the desire to flee from painful circumstances. Sadly, this is when I hear God the best and am now finding myself once again in need of lingering a little longer in the presence of the Son. I need a fresh word from God on life, relationships, and my future. In his presence it is warm, peaceful, not peaceful as the world defines it but a peace that surpasses all understanding. It even surpasses my inevitable sunburn if I linger in his presence so long that I forget to put on more sunscreen!
So, summer, as much as I detest you for the most part. You are a season that I must endure and if I'm smart, learn to enjoy because you speak through all seasons!
Monday, April 5, 2010
A Warm Bed and a Restless Mind
I lay in my warm bed half awake as I hear the alarm go off. I take a deep breath and crawl further under the covers. In these moments I lay there in the peace and quiet and hear God speak softly to my heart. And my heart is desperate for God to speak and give me a new perspective on just about everything. Lately my mind and heart have been so restless. I long so deeply for free time and the chance to finally do what I love on a daily basis that it has begun to take its toll on my spirit, my attitude, my relationships and just about everything else. My sweet husband tries to help and I love him for it but but the restlessness continues.
So, like a good counselor, I reflect on all the things that could be causing this problem. I pray. I talk. I sit in silence. I talk to my husband. I talk to my mom. I even talk to myself. I cry. I eat. I shop (much to my husband's frustration!). Yet, here I sit restless. I know we all go through seasons where we want to be somewhere else and there is nothing we can do about it. But how do we deal with this impatience that begins to puncture a relatively healthy mindset? I guess the answer lies in the question. Christ said that he gives us peace, but not as the world gives it. So if he gives us peace that looks different than the peace of the world then we cannot seek it the way we do everything else. I often find myself seeking God for answers and at this time there really are no answers to be had. I am in a time of waiting and I must walk through it. So I must now seek God simply for who he is. As my wise husband once said, " I hope you didn't marry me for what I can give you, I hope you married me because you love me and want to be with my always. That is how we should see God." Wise man my husband, what he was saying is that I must seek God to simply sit in the joy of his presence and the beauty of being near him.
So today I woke up and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I layed in my warm bed and cried out for God to change my heart and give me his perspective and most of all his presence. I got up and got dressed in the beautiful silence of God's presence. I walked outside and smelled the fresh spring air. The unrest still lingers but I ask God to speak to my heart and quiet my mind. To give the peace that only he can give. My circumstances will be no different today. I will go to class and move one day closer to graduation. But I believe that my mind must be in a better place because right now I hear God's voice above all the noises that fill my day and his peace surpasses my understanding. You see unlike the world's temporary peace God's peace is complete and perfect.
So, like a good counselor, I reflect on all the things that could be causing this problem. I pray. I talk. I sit in silence. I talk to my husband. I talk to my mom. I even talk to myself. I cry. I eat. I shop (much to my husband's frustration!). Yet, here I sit restless. I know we all go through seasons where we want to be somewhere else and there is nothing we can do about it. But how do we deal with this impatience that begins to puncture a relatively healthy mindset? I guess the answer lies in the question. Christ said that he gives us peace, but not as the world gives it. So if he gives us peace that looks different than the peace of the world then we cannot seek it the way we do everything else. I often find myself seeking God for answers and at this time there really are no answers to be had. I am in a time of waiting and I must walk through it. So I must now seek God simply for who he is. As my wise husband once said, " I hope you didn't marry me for what I can give you, I hope you married me because you love me and want to be with my always. That is how we should see God." Wise man my husband, what he was saying is that I must seek God to simply sit in the joy of his presence and the beauty of being near him.
So today I woke up and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I layed in my warm bed and cried out for God to change my heart and give me his perspective and most of all his presence. I got up and got dressed in the beautiful silence of God's presence. I walked outside and smelled the fresh spring air. The unrest still lingers but I ask God to speak to my heart and quiet my mind. To give the peace that only he can give. My circumstances will be no different today. I will go to class and move one day closer to graduation. But I believe that my mind must be in a better place because right now I hear God's voice above all the noises that fill my day and his peace surpasses my understanding. You see unlike the world's temporary peace God's peace is complete and perfect.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Easter Eggs and the Empty Tomb
I love this time of year. There is such a sense of renewal. There is so much joy and all the tough and painful situations don't seem as important when we focus on the constant love and compassion we are crowned with because of Christ. Yes, we buy new Easter dresses, take pictures, hunt eggs filled with chocolate if we are lucky, and we eat A LOT!!! Some say that to celebrate in these ways may be silly; but for me each beautiful part of the celebration is a joyful reminder of the gift given and the peace that surpasses all understanding. There is a similar celebration at Christmas. For me Christmas holds a beauty all its own but its Easter that seems to set my mind and heart at ease in a way I'm not certian I can describe.
I will never forget seeing the passion of the Christ and watching all the painful acts he had to undure. Yet what sticks out most in my mind is not his crucifixion. It was the moment when he sat up and just walked out of the tomb. At that moment all of the pain, hurt, fear, humiliation, agony, weight, longing, loss, and seperation were swept away. I think this is why I love the resurrection so much. In my life it is what I have walked through and been broken by that I always thought mattered so much. But as I look back it seems that it is the moments that I realize there has been a victory and I am walking in it that makes the most impact. Sadly, I don't realize the victory has taken place till weeks or even months after and I am deeply sad. During all of that time I walk through life as though I am still in a broken and useless season. For months God will have been trying to tell me that I am free and I am so consumed by the pain that I was in that I neglect to walk in the healing provided.
There is no mistaking that on this day healing was provided. But healing was not the only thing provided. It was healing, relationship, and love provided once for all and the only way I could imagine Christ going through it all without calling the angels down to stop it is that he knew the victory that had already been won simply by him coming to earth. We were given a chance to be in constant communion with our creator and to know what love truly is. Then we are able to share this incredible love with every person we come in contact with including our family, friends, spouse and hopefully ourselves! My continual healing is always at hand and always available. To walk in it may be a battle but Jesus walked through life, temptation, betrayal, torture, and death. Then he walked out of an empty tomb to show me how to walk and then run the race he has laid out before me. So we walk one day at a time, some days we run, some we crawl but we take comfort in the fact that Jesus did the exact same thing. My Savior is risen and he walks with me for all eternity. Now I'm off to enjoy the beauty of Easter eggs and an empty tomb!
I will never forget seeing the passion of the Christ and watching all the painful acts he had to undure. Yet what sticks out most in my mind is not his crucifixion. It was the moment when he sat up and just walked out of the tomb. At that moment all of the pain, hurt, fear, humiliation, agony, weight, longing, loss, and seperation were swept away. I think this is why I love the resurrection so much. In my life it is what I have walked through and been broken by that I always thought mattered so much. But as I look back it seems that it is the moments that I realize there has been a victory and I am walking in it that makes the most impact. Sadly, I don't realize the victory has taken place till weeks or even months after and I am deeply sad. During all of that time I walk through life as though I am still in a broken and useless season. For months God will have been trying to tell me that I am free and I am so consumed by the pain that I was in that I neglect to walk in the healing provided.
There is no mistaking that on this day healing was provided. But healing was not the only thing provided. It was healing, relationship, and love provided once for all and the only way I could imagine Christ going through it all without calling the angels down to stop it is that he knew the victory that had already been won simply by him coming to earth. We were given a chance to be in constant communion with our creator and to know what love truly is. Then we are able to share this incredible love with every person we come in contact with including our family, friends, spouse and hopefully ourselves! My continual healing is always at hand and always available. To walk in it may be a battle but Jesus walked through life, temptation, betrayal, torture, and death. Then he walked out of an empty tomb to show me how to walk and then run the race he has laid out before me. So we walk one day at a time, some days we run, some we crawl but we take comfort in the fact that Jesus did the exact same thing. My Savior is risen and he walks with me for all eternity. Now I'm off to enjoy the beauty of Easter eggs and an empty tomb!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Saving Face with the Generic Brands
In the name of saving money and getting our priorities in order David and I took a long hard look at what we spent our money on. Some things we think we need we really don't. Some things we think we need are bad for us. Some things we need we do truly need. And then there are the things that we use that are still good but cost less. These are the generic brands that keep our lives running and money in our pockets. I love generic brands. They are like saving money without sacrificing. Some of these generic brands are even better than their more expensive counterparts. It is with this knowledge that I chose to try a different facial cleanser to save us a big chunk of change. My husband smiled when I said I would try this. He knows my fear of having acne again. Which is why in the almost 6 years of knowing me he never gave me a hard time about using clinique. It helped my skin and therefore my outlook.
This may seem silly but for me to try a new facial routine is extremely nerve racking. I struggled and from time to time still struggle with acne. For anyone who has ever struggled with this it is unthinkable to switch from a product that works to one that we are unsure of. Our face is what we show the world. We want it at its best. We want to be beautiful. As women being beautiful is extremely important. We want to be admired, sought after, and pursued. What is my point you might ask. Well I'll get to it. I tried the generic brand of facial cleanser. I just knew it would not work. Well I was wrong. It did work and my face is in even better shape than it was using clinique. What I was using was too harsh on my skin and for years I have been dry and itchy. Acne free but dry and itchy. Often the nourishment we seek is found in the simple things that have been there all along that we thought we were too good for.
The simple things of God are what grow and change us the most. Yet, they are the things that we cannot seem to find time or energy for. Sitting in silence, listening to a still small voice, reading the simple yet complex and powerful words of a God who loves us. For these things we often cannot be bothered. And then we find these things become essential to our ability to progress and suddenly we are willing to try them. The results are incredible as they always are and so we continue in them for a while. Then like God's children in the desert we grow weary of the things that are good for us and long for the things that held us captive. No, clinique is not the egyptian pharoah holding me captive. Yes, I might be stretching this a bit. But for me it makes sense and I see it every single time I look in the mirror.
This may seem silly but for me to try a new facial routine is extremely nerve racking. I struggled and from time to time still struggle with acne. For anyone who has ever struggled with this it is unthinkable to switch from a product that works to one that we are unsure of. Our face is what we show the world. We want it at its best. We want to be beautiful. As women being beautiful is extremely important. We want to be admired, sought after, and pursued. What is my point you might ask. Well I'll get to it. I tried the generic brand of facial cleanser. I just knew it would not work. Well I was wrong. It did work and my face is in even better shape than it was using clinique. What I was using was too harsh on my skin and for years I have been dry and itchy. Acne free but dry and itchy. Often the nourishment we seek is found in the simple things that have been there all along that we thought we were too good for.
The simple things of God are what grow and change us the most. Yet, they are the things that we cannot seem to find time or energy for. Sitting in silence, listening to a still small voice, reading the simple yet complex and powerful words of a God who loves us. For these things we often cannot be bothered. And then we find these things become essential to our ability to progress and suddenly we are willing to try them. The results are incredible as they always are and so we continue in them for a while. Then like God's children in the desert we grow weary of the things that are good for us and long for the things that held us captive. No, clinique is not the egyptian pharoah holding me captive. Yes, I might be stretching this a bit. But for me it makes sense and I see it every single time I look in the mirror.
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