At the End of Me

Most people become parents at some point in their lives. It could be because you did indeed have the child, adopted or became a beloved mentor to a child in need.  And not matter what I have heard others say, pregnant women are indeed parents! They become so when they no longer have any control over their bodies! This process is amazing and painful.  For some the process of pregnancy is a blissful experience and for others like myself it was pretty miserable. There are women who long to go through pregnancy no matter how miserable it might be for them and are unable to do so.  They are incredible women and face so much to adopt the children they have spent their whole life waiting to love.  I have even known couples who took on older or even adult children after they had gone through a trauma and were abandonded by their biological families.  However parenthood comes to you it is beautiful, painful, overwhelming, and one of God's greatest growing tools of all time. I remember telling David one night while I could not stop throwing up that I was pretty sure I would never make it as a parent if I could barely survive pregnancy! He laughed and told me he was sure I could make it through both.  There are some moments that I am so in awe of my beautiful baby boy that I can barely stand it.  And then there are those moments when I am praying that he will please sleep just a few extra hours today so I can get a moments peace and quiet. 
I confided in David that when I felt ready to go crazy that it made me feel like a bad mom and he once again laughed.  He told me that all parents get overwhelmed, tired and have secret desires for their children to magically understand how exhausted they are and give them a break.  He even said that while we will always love our children that we all have our days where we just want to take a day off from parenting. I am very glad I am not alone in needing a break once in a while.  I am also very glad that God never needs a break from me.  He is a dad all day every day just like us. But the difference, one of the many, is that he never gets tired of me.  He never stops loving and pursuing me no matter how disobedient or rebellious I am.  Oh, how grateful I am that I have God as my ultimate dad and that my son does as well.  That when I get tired, annoyed, angry, and feel as though I am at the very end of myself, this is where I find God the most. when I am wallowing in my failures and my weaknesses it is in God that I find my ability to love Conner the best.  When I think I am unable to give Conner all that he needs I am reminded that giving Conner all that he needs is not my job.  Yes, I am called to love him and care for him but it takes so much pressure off knowing that as I love him, hold him, comfort him, cherish him and do my very best to be the mommy he needs that in the end he is in God's loving arms all of the time.
My first mother's day is coming.  I am thrilled about it.  I have never loved any job I have had as much as I do being a mom.  No, it is not an actual job but the best description I can come up with to describe what I do in taking care of my Conner. I love him, care for him, feed him, change his very stinky diapers, play with him, sing to him, laugh with him and many times fall asleep next to him out of sheer exhaustion. He will not always be so small. He will grow and so will his needs. There will be times when I am at a loss and there are no words to say to comfort him. And during those times I will know that when his dad and I are at the end of ourselves our son will find a loving God.