Dear Conner,

"What do you mean my ovaries are failing?"
David and I had been married a little over a year when I got this news from my doctor.  I had been experiencing very severe lower back pain and went in to see the doctor who decided to run some tests.  Apparently my ovaries had grown so many cysts that each of them was 5 times their normal size and twisting in on themselves, thus causing the back pain.  I was devastated. David was speechless and had no idea how to comfort me.  I was 23. 

"What do we do?"
I asked my doctor. She promptly informed me that my best bet at saving my ovaries and giving myself any chance of children was to have surgery immediately.  So, 2 weeks later I went under the knife and when she showed me the pics of my deformed ovaries after the surgery I cried.
"What do we do now?" She told me I should try and have children right away. I was not ready for that at all and began looking for a fertility specialist to give me a second opinion. A close friend referred me to Dr. Dale Ehmer.  He ran so many tests on me I felt like a pin cushion. When the results of the test came back the diagnosis was daunting. 

"You have something called MTHFR."
What in the world is MTHFR?! Apparently it is a genetic abnormality that causes a great deal of trouble staying pregnant and leads to many miscarriages. I also apparently will need to be on aspirin every single day for the rest of my life due to the clotting issues that go with this disorder.  Pregnancy would be dangerous for me and for the baby.  I would need shots in my stomach every day of pregnancy and before to even be able to get pregnant. I spend several months grieving.

"Ok, I guess I don't want children then!"
I told this to David after another night of crying and decided to give up this dream. I worked my way through grad school, I started my counseling career and was beginning to accept the idea that I would have to adopt.  I could get pregnant but had seen a very close friend with the same disorder try for months at a time to get pregnant, have shots in her stomach every day, spend a great deal of money and only end up brokenhearted.

"David, I don't feel good, I think I'm sick."
I was miserable. I felt so aweful and apparently for good reason. I had a cold, a virus, a sinus infection and a baby in my tummy! I went to the doctor because I thought I might have the flu. I did not have the flu though I had several other issues and was in need of some serious antibiotics.  Dr. Georgekutty decided before she could give me the strong meds she wanted to be sure I was not pregnant. I promptly told her that this was not possible since and I wasn't even on shots! She laughed at me, took away my glass of sweet tea, filled it with water, and cried with me right there in the office.  She knew my fertility diagnosis and was thrilled for me.  I was less than thrilled. Ok, I was petrified! I was not ready for a child! I had just come to terms with not being able to have them! We can't afford a baby! I'm not ready!

"Babe, I can't have tea for 9 months!"
I went home right after the doctor appointment. She had given me some mild antibiotics that would take longer to heal me but would not harm the baby.  David was home that day taking care of me because I was so sick and I was so nervous about telling him.  I knew he had been wanting children for a long time but we had both agreed that we were not going to talk about trying until after he finished seminary. What do I say, how do I tell him, will he be excited? I was so scared. I got home and was carrying my chick-fil-a cup that was now filled with water. As I walk into the room David starts peppering me with questions. Are you ok? What did the doctor say? Do you have the flu? I sat down beside him and explained the different illnesses that I had and then exclaimed, "and Dr. Georgekutty took my sweet tea from me and told me I couldn't have any caffeine for the next 9 months!" It took him a minute to get it.

"Oh, baby, I'm gonna be a daddy! I am so happy!"
He teared up and asked me how I felt about it.  Now that I knew he was excited I had to face the fact that I was not. I was full of worry and fear.  Is the baby ok? Is the pregnancy ectopic? I had not been on shots, would that hurt the baby? I saw Dr. Ehmer that very same day and all those fears were squashed. The baby was fine. It was a miracle I had made it to 6 weeks with no shots. My health was good. The heartbeat was strong. I was gonna be a mom!

"I can't do this!"
I spent the next 6 weeks crying every day.  The shots in my stomach was extremely painful. My torse was covered in bruises. I was constantly nauseous or throwing up. Pregnancy was not a joy. I was severely depressed. I was so full of fear of being unable to be the mom I so desperately wanted to be. I was afraid I would loose the baby. I was certian I was not ready. God had decided otherwise.

"I'm bleeding."
I had just finished my first trimester and we had come home from church. We were changing clothes before eating lunch and I had begun to bleed. I was terrified once again. No longer was I afraid of the mother I would be but of loosing this beautiful child and not being able to be a mother at all. My week of bedrest gave me a great deal of time to think. I was being so selfish worrying about how my life would change, if I wanted this baby, if I could be a good mother, if, if, if, and God was trying to tell me that his love could overcome all of my fear.  My depression subsided along with the bleeding. I was off bedrest a week later and the sono showed that he was in perfect health. In fact, we found out during that visit that we were indeed having a he. I just knew we were having a girl and made the lady check twice just to be sure!

"This is really happening huah?"
My husband assured me that it most certianly was, and that while I was frightened, I was never alone. God had plans for us and for our son, who we chose to name Conner David. I look back now at all that I felt and went through in those 9ish months before I saw his face and cannot imagine feeling all of that when I look at him. When I see his face and hear him giggle I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.

Dear Conner,
Someday you will read what I am writing and see how you changed my life. You will know that I am flawed and that I was not ready for all that happened. You will also know that there is no one in the world I love more than you and your daddy. You make me a better person, you fill me with so much joy and happiness, you help me see God better. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. You will not always like me when I do what is best for you instead of what you want. But know this, above all else, there has never been a day in your entire life that I did not love you with all of my heart. I adore you. I learn from you. You are amazing. I tell you several times each day how much I love you. You don't understand what that means yet. You are only 4 months old. But someday you will understand what the word love means because through me God will show you in a million different ways. And someday when you understand what love is and are able to speak those words to me I will cry and tell you:
"I love you too, Conner."