Labor and Growing Pains

It is 2am.  I am sick. My throat hurts and I can only breath through one nostril. My whole body aches and I cannot move my neck to the right. I am hungry. I am exhausted. I have milk on my shoulder and pee on my shirt.  My house is not clean. The laundry is not done. I have never been happier in my life.  I am a wife. I am a mommy.  I am not who I was just 6 weeks ago.  I spent the first 5 and a half months of pregnancy sick and throwing up.  He was so tall right before he was born that it was hard to breath.  I woke up every night of my last month of pregnancy throwing up stomach acid.  I was wondering how I would make it and why all of these women say it is wonderful and worth it.  I had no idea what would happen to me or how God would completely change me in a matter of moments.

The pain was worse than I could have imagined.  I screamed and cried. I swore I would as least not scream.  He came out after only 45 minutes of pushing and Dr. Ehmer practically threw him onto my chest.  He was crying and just as I had done for the past 9 months when he was fussy I sang to him.  He was 1 minute old and it was all I could think of to do to soothe him.  He immediately stopped crying and looked at me with these big beautiful dark blue eyes and all of a sudden I knew.  I understood why women say it is worth it. I understood why women say having children is the most incredible experience a person can have.  I understood why my husband was excited about children when I was just plain terrified.  I understood why he said I would want another one someday even when I said that I would only have this one because pregnancy was so miserable. I understood a world of wisdom in a moment of singing to my beautiful child.  Most of all I understood why God sent his son, and why people say you understand the love of God infinitely better when you have children.  There is nothing I would not do for him. There is nothing he could do to change my love for him. I would die for him.  God loves his children the very same way. My walk with God changed forever in an instant. 

One hour after giving birth I started throwing up.  My blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and I starting slurring my words.  Apparently I was hemmoraging and didn't know it.  We had always known it would be a possibility but thought we had taken all the necessary precautions.  I was in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes.  David was holding Conner and scared to death.  He said he kept trying to talk to me and my words were more like gibberish.  I lost a great deal of blood.  It seems that my uterus did not contract after birth and had been hemmoraging into my abdominal cavity without us knowing it.  Dr. Ehmer (the world's greatest doctor!) said he has never run from his office back to the hospital so fast.  He and the nurses saved my life.  I had no idea how close I came to death till one of the nurses was briefing the next nurse on duty and said to watch me close since they had almost lost me. I almost lost my life and during those scary moments all I could think of was how much I didn't want to leave my husband and son.  How much I loved them and wanted to be there for them. Not a lot of people get to have so many a life changing moments so close together but I did.  If I would have died to be able to have him in the world it was worth it. 

There is so much selfishness that seems to die when looking into the face of your child.  I listened to a wonderful sermon recently that talked about how true love is one of sacrifice.  How parents sacrifice to give their children what they need.  We let go of our desire for nice things so our children can have them.  We loose sleep to confort them when they cry.  We give time we never thought we had to be there for them. We give up what we want to be sure they can have what they need.  God did this for us and I have never been so in awe of the cross as I am now.  I asked God about a year ago to turn me into a different person.  One who could sacrifice.  Once who could love more and better than I thought possible.  One who could hear his voice and share his love like never before. One who could serve him through ministry, counseling and writing in a way I had always dreamed. I was pregnant a month later.  And I am certian that I want another one. God has a wonderful and ironic sense of humor.