My shift with Conner started 2 hours ago. David fell asleep 1 hour ago. He started laughing in his sleep 30 minutes ago. I have been smiling for 30 minutes. Conner's laugh sounds like his daddy's. He has been doing it for the last few nights and I have yet to tell him for fear that if he knows he is doing it he might stop. Sometimes stress gets to us and we forget to take time to laugh or remember how good life can be. I found myself laughing really hard for the first time in what seems like weeks. With the baby struggling to sleep and my love of sleep clashing it makes it very hard to be cheery. He makes me overwhelmed with joy and yet the needs he has are sometimes exhausting. And just when I think I don't have any strength to go on he will look at me and smile and somehow I can keep going. Never are we more aware of our selfishness that when we have children. David told me he realized his selfishness just a week after having Conner. I had been up with him all day and into the night and by 4am I had reached a breaking point. I woke David up to get some help and he complained for several minutes. I left the room and continued to take care of Conner while crying. He came into the room and said, "Wow, I never realized how selfish I was till we had Conner, I'm sorry, please go lay down and I will take him."
Before we had him our schedule was full of things like, school, homework, date nights, sleeping in, taking naps, dinner out with friends, and of course ministry in all its many forms. We went where we wanted to when we wanted to. We slept in on Saturdays and made pancakes. We went to late movies. Those things seem like distant memories. I do miss them at times but for some reason they pale in comparison to nights in with my boys. Before we got pregnant I heard friends talk about their lives before and after children and it did not sound exciting. I was missing the reason the change is so wonderful. Never have David and I been closer and never have I loved another person so much as I do now. I was afraid that children would mean that David and I would not be as close but the truth is just the opposite. We have never been closer or needed each other more than we do now. We are so in love with the little person that God has given us and this love has made all the difference.
Now when I need help David is quick to offer it. He even does it without being asked most of the time. God has changed him and me for the better in so many ways. I find myself amazed at all the changes that have taken place in just a few short months. I'm awake listening for the cry of my son. I even hear babies crying when I'm alone. I never thought I had what it took to be and parent and there are still days where I don't. But, God knows my fears and has given me all the tools I need to be the wife and mommy he has asked me to be. You see, alone I am incapable of loving David or Conner the way they need, but when God does it through me I can be more than adequate. I can be excellent, amazing, beautiful, kind, patient, joyful, patient, loving, nurturing and even selfless. When God does it through me it is so incredible that I cannot help but stop and smile. Or better still listen to the laughter and laugh right along with it.
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