The God I Knew

I bounce back and forth between being angry and desiring with all my heart to forgive and loose all the fears and problems I have been holding so tightly to. What am I holding onto anyway? What is it that brings me home each day more hopeless than the day before? Is it my frustration with my work environment? maybe Is it my financial situation? likely Is it all this hurt and pain and anger I keep reliving and dwelling on because I just don't understand so many things in my life right now? Hmmmm..... I think I am onto something. When I don't understand something my first instinct is to question it until I am blue in the face. A lot of times that leads to understanding, but that is with homework, papers, relationships, and problems, but what about with actual people, and an actual God? What do I do when I do not understand or even want to understand some of the terribly hard actions and painful events that take place in my life? I have no logic that can explain these things, and I am the queen of logic! I have no understanding within me that says that all this pain and trouble lines up with the character of God. Maybe that is why I am so hurt, I feel like the God I knew, is no longer the God I see before me. Why would my God let me go through so much with not the slightest relief in sight? Why would he allow others decisions to so alter me that I am left utterly broken and wondering if I am capable of loving or helping anyone, including myself. Maybe its because I am utterly incapable of helping anyone, including myself, without God, which I have been trying to do for so long. Maybe its because we need to be able to help break each other, its what reminds us that we need to stay moldable, that way, the breaking is more rare. We are supposed to be clay in the potters hand, even when the Potter looks totally different than we expected, but how do we do that? I realize now, I have been as hard as cement, which made for some tough molding. No wonder God needed to take such drastic actions to move my stubborn heart. No, I did not deserve the pain inflicted on me by others, that I am still trying to work out. The only thing I can think of with that is that what others meant for harm God will turn into a beautiful testimony for women who have been through the same things. But, the other things, were God using one of the worst seasons of my life to prepare me to serve him. He desires me to be totally dependant on him, I am still trying to figure out why all the pain was necessary to make that point, if anyone has that one figured out, please let me know!!?