Being Grateful

I was driving to work and found myself singing at the top of my lungs.  I had not done that is so long, not because I had no reason to but because I was worried that my reasons for being happy would suddenly disappear if I rejoiced over having them.  I had forgotten how to be grateful, or should I say I was afraid of being grateful.  Recently I heard Priscilla Shirer (my hero) say that even the strongest believers go through desert seasons and stop expecting God to move.  I had found myself in that very position.  I had lost sight of how big God was, how strong his love for me is, and how much I had let pain alter my perspective.  It was about this time that I met with my mentor and shared my feelings with her.  I was sharing with her that I feel like faith is something I don't have much of.  Then she tells me that I should keep a journal and read about what amazing things God has done for me in the past.  I used to journal all the time and for some reason I don't anymore.  Then I asked her what she goes back to when she is lacking faith.  She opened my spiritual eyes by telling me that the greatest time she has ever had with God was during the darkest time of her life.  She knew that there was no way she could have made it through all of that pain without God holding her every single minute.  What she said startled me and reminds me every single day that trails are something to be grateful for.  . I desperately needed a new perspective and had been praying for it for some time. That is when I found myself singing in the car. I was grateful for so many things, to spite my fear, I was able to praise God.  He moves in the most amazing way when we are hurting and at our worst.  My mentor was right, I would not have become who I am, grown the way I have, and realized all that I needed to if it were not for the hardest times in my life.  I have found it is those time that shape me the most and reveal the desperate need for God the most.  Maybe those times are the one's we need the most, since they usually draw us so close to God.  Now that is something to sing about.

Growing into Me

I had no idea that when I started this blog how perfect the name of it was. In the past 3 years since I started this new journey it would seem so very fitting. I have grown a great deal and learned a few things. Sometimes life is much more like a nightmare than a dream. There are things that you go through that you never thought you could survive until one day you look up and see that you did, with your limbs, if not your dignity, intact. You may not always hear, see, or feel God. But he continues to listen to, watch, and hold you through all of the numbness. I always thought of hope as a feeling, now I believe it is a lot more like love, it too is a choice. All your relationships change and that is healthy.

Your marriage grows and becomes a beautiful picture of the way Christ loves the Church. I never thought David could love, serve, strengthen, and bless me any more than he already has. And yet when I felt like God was not there it was David there reminding me that God grieves with me and always comforts and holds me in his hands. I pulled away from who I thought I was and found a new perspective. David let me hurt, cry, pull away, and push away from everything and everyone and said just let me hold you and when you are ready I will he here to talk.

I looked at family in a new way. True family never tells you that you are not enough, or that you are a failure. They may drive you nuts, try to help too much, and even hurt you without realizing it, but they will be there through it all and stand beside you in the rain. I have been so angry at my family I thought I would explode and soon I found that it passes with an apology or a joke meant to say that they are sorry. Forgivness is truly a process. Thoughtless words should be given just that no thoughts. My mom is my greatest fan, and I'm pretty sure my sister is a close second (excluding David that is)! When you feel like the world or your friends don't get you or want more than you can give, it is family that reminds you of your worth, tells you that you are enough, and speaks life into the hurt caused by others. Most of all I have learned that family is not defined by blood or marriage alone but by the love and care of one person to another. In my life this has come in many different forms from a loving mother, a sweet brother, someone in my lifegroup that really saw me, a friend who is more like a sister, a mentor, a family friend who can tell the state of your heart by the look in your eyes, and especially the younger girl I mentored in college that now speaks love into my life.

I look at friendship differently too. When you are in college you have a ton of friends and those closest to you get so much attention. Then you commit your life to your spouse, and move away, and put down new roots, and work, and work some more and go to grad school, and work in the church, and suddenly without meaning to or realizing it you are no longer the person they once knew and are wondering how to be that girl again. Then you realize, with much relief that you will never be that girl again and that is ok. Friends only last if they are family. The relationship will not always be perfect but you know that when it is all said and done no matter what you do they will defend you, love you, forgive you, encourage you, release you of their expectations, and stand beside you as any true friend would, or should I say family. The idea is not to be able to tell the difference.

The world takes on a whole new look as you start to listen to the voices of those that know you instead of the one's that think they do. You see the pain behind the smiles and reach out to help and be helped. You want to do more than be happy, you want to be the difference, not just different. My passion for helping people, defending those who cannot defend themselves, teaching, speaking, and most of all writing are gifts, not something to be feared. You will never make everyone happy, you will not even make the one's you love happy all the time! You will fail, usually miserably, and realize that it hurts, humiliates, and aches but won't break you. Your career should be that which you love most and jobs don't matter as much as what you love. Then if or when you loose the job you still have what you love. I think I want my career to be Christ follower, wife, mother, writer, defender, teacher, sister, daughter and many other things that cannot be measured in dollars. I want to be powerful, free, strong and well loved. These are not earned, these are gifts from God that can never be taken from you. These things will last through the pain, rain, change and loss. Like a wonderful husband, an amazing family, or a talent for seeing and writing about life.

Pink Shoes in a Pretty Closet!!!

I love to organize. Those close to me know this best as evidenced by my color coordinated closet, jewelry, shoes, purses, and many more items. My bed may go unmade for days, but my closet will look amazing! After all, I plan to get right back in my bed for a nap so why make it for just a few hours, it seems like such a waste to me! But organizing my surroundings makes me feel like things are in order when the world is so full of disorder. I usually wait till my room is terribly disorganized and then get to work. This also usually happens during a time of great stress. Within a couple of hours of putting things back into their rightful place (along with a bit of chocolate!) my mind begins to defrag and I regain my clarity.

As I was cleaning out my closet the other day looking at clothes that I now do not want, and once just had to have no matter what, I realized a few things. The things we think we need so badly are usually the things that we look back on as something that ended up hurting us, our relationships, our finances, and especially our walks with God. Many of the things I thought I needed most in my life ended up being terrible for me. I would beg, plead, and bargain with God to get what I was so sure I needed, and when I was finally given these things that I was so focused on instead of him I ended up losing them, being hurt by them, or hating them. When I look back on all these posessions, relationships, or positions I just had to have I feel like I am looking at the pile of clothes I am giving away. They gave me temporary happiness and were quickly gone from my mind and replaced as they lost their fit, or were ruined by a great spaghetti dinner (I make a pretty great spaghetti sauce if I do say so myself). It seems that the things that I seemingly stumble upon are what end up being the things that last and mean the most. These things I cannot take credit for because God wanted me to see them for exactly what they were, a gift. I met my husband by "accident" after ending a relationship that I was just so certian would lead to marriage, stumbled upon my greatest passion while being educated for something else. Finding a job I love, working with a dear friend, doing exactly what I never thought I would do again, after 2 years of looking for a high paying job that ended up breaking my heart and leaving me without a job for nearly a year. And lets not forget the greatest "accident" of my life when a friend of mine in 8th grade invited me to church to see a boy I liked and met the lover of my soul and the Savior of my life.

There are some classic things that I still keep in my closet no matter how many years pass or how much changes. These things, funny enough hardly cost me a thing and were given to me out of love. Ironically enough most of these items are pink, as it should be! My favorite pair of pink shoes that cost all of 15$ and will be worn till they fall apart as I'm walking, that gorgeous pink sweater Melanie gave me for Christmas that lasts and lasts no matter what I do to it, and a beautiful pink Bible I stumbled onto while buying a book for school. As I put these old clothes into the donation pile I am filled with sense of joy because I finally see what God has been patiently trying to show me for all of these years. Instead of waiting on God to give me what I need I have been trying to give myself what I thought I needed. These are not gifts but painful barriers that I put between myself and God. I am once again reminded that every good and perfect gift comes from above. After all he is the only one who knows exactly what we need, when we need it. From the pink shoes to the handsome prince I now call my husband the greatest things in my life are always given to me from a loving a generous God, and almost never something I earned. Though don't let that stop you from trying to find the perfect gift for my quickly approaching birthday!!!