I'm Tired of Sucking it Up

What do you do when it seems like every part of your life is a question? I have felt for so long that I am floating through the air with no direction, no ability to discern what move to make next, or if what I believe I'm supposed to do is actually what God has planned. It is though I have been blindfolded, and left in a dark room with no door knobs. I vaguely hear voices in the distance telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, saying all the things I should think, feel, or have the courage to do, telling me that they have all been there, that I'm not alone, telling me to listen and if I would only do all the things that they tell me then I would feel better no matter how bad the circumstances.
This has not worked for me so far, in fact, all I feel like doing is saying to all of these loving and well meaning people is, I do feel alone, no I don't think you understand, no, you have not been exactly where I am, and yes, I love you even if I have a really hard time showing it. Please, just tell me that your sorry that I'm hurting and that you love me. Most of the time I need someone to comfort me. I am so tired of advice, and it does not mean I don't want their imput or advice at all, it just means I don't always want to hear that I need to suck it up. When you feel alone, most of the time, you end up wanting just that. I am so worn out on hearing my loved ones tell me that when God teaches me all that he wants to, when I am listening just right, when I stop fighting, when I become content in all that I'm going through that it will all get better. That may never happen! Where does that leave me?!
I used to want to go out, cook, clean, spend time with family, go shopping, and in these recent months as my ability to fight off the attacks of the enemy has grown weaker, I have desired these things less and less. I was finally able to spend some time with my Mom this past week and was able to see the glimpses of who I know I am. I know that all this stress and pressure have brought out things in me that I would never see otherwise, but when do the blessings mingle in with all of the pain? I have worked the past couple of days on trying to focus only on the day and not all the looming questions ahead of me, but its so hard. I know I will get back to a place with God that I can hear his voice again, it just seems so far away. I try so hard to hear my loved ones, but with all of their voices, its hard to figure out which one is God's.

Friends and Weddings

What an incredible weekend I spent with my husband and my friends. It was so full of emotion, love, laughter, fellowship, joy, and many other feelings that have no words. There is just something about being in a wedding of someone you love that brings out the best and worst in all involved. I saw such kindness and sacrifice as we all made sure that everything was perfect. I has many urges to do what I wanted to, but all were forgotten when I realized that Dani needed me. I enjoyed so much seeing her join her life with Chris's life and it brought back so many memories of my own wedding. David and I could not stop staring at each other all weekend as we were taken back to our wedding day just over a year earlier.

The beauty of seeing two of God's children join their lives and dedicate their lives to each other and to his service is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever been blessed to witness. These beautiful women who love God so much and have so much passion to serve him are some of the most amazing women I have ever known. This Danielle, This Cecilia, This Joy Renee', This Katherine, and I are all allowed to know bring such blessings to each other lives and when we are around each other something very beautiful happens. It is as though a part of us comes alive that is not when we are not around each other. I never laugh as hard or feel as encouraged as when I am around these women and when one of us gets married it brings such joy that I can only praise God for how beautiful he is. No friendship is truly a friendship unless you know these things for certian, that the person loves you, that even if you hurt each other there is forgiveness, that there is trust, and you can laugh with, confide in and pray with each other. I have found this to be true about these incredible women along with my incredible husband. I am blessed beyond measure.

The Beauty of Marriage

There are some moments in marriage that make all other moments in life seem utterly unimportant. My favorite times in my whole life have been with this incredible man that God has given me. I look at all of the moments in my life when I really felt like God moved, when I really felt the Lord speak and heard his voice and the most incredible of these have all been since the day I met my husband. I look at him and see so many things. I see such love, kindness, beauty, light, patience, an incredible sense of discernment, a depth to his walk with God that inspires me and challenges me so much and on top of all of this there is such a rich connection. A connection so strong that at times there are no words to describe it, and sitting here now I find that these words are still not enough. I tend to look at the bad in most things, what I call realistic, my husband call pessimism. But when I look at him, yes, I can see the flaws, but they are of no consequence. I see the beauty in life, the good in the world, what hope can look like(something I usually lack), and all that I want to be when I am in David's presence. What I find so compelling is that when I am in his presence he leaves me wanting to do nothing but be in God's presence. I believe there is no greater blessing outside of a relationship with my Lord Jesus that to be loved this way. I am forced now, to look through all of the hurt of the past months through the eyes of this love, and its picture is much more beautiful that I realized. God has so many things to teach me through a union that is meant to look like his relationship with the church. I am truly a blessed woman, because my marriage does look this way, even with all of its flaws, I know what it means to be loved, and loved well.