It is quiet in this small comfortable room. There is a couch and an overstuffed chair. The lights are not bright but rather soft and casting a warm glow. Everything about this space is designed to put the occupants at ease. For the last year I have spent hundreds of hours in this small room. I have listened to thousands of stories in this room. Each story shared in this room is unique and beautiful and many are heartbreaking and tragic. In this room people find hope, peace, awareness and strength. They come into this room angry and broken and together we work toward healing. I truly became a counselor in this room. The previous 2 years I spent in a classroom learning what a counselor should know, but in this room I learned what cannot be taught in a classroom. I learned what it means to help another person grow and heal from things they never thought they could come back from. My heart is full as I sit in this room for the last time and think about the blessing it has been to become like this room, a safe place.
What does it mean to be a safe place? The answer is a little different for each of us. When I am struggling with worry and fear I find a quiet corner, a blanket, my beanbag chair and a fan. I pull the blanket over my head, turn on the fan to tune out the noise and pray until peace overcomes my fear and I often fall asleep. David says he can always tell how my stress level is by how much time I spend curled up with my blanket in my beanbag chair. But what makes this place safe? How is it any safer than my couch? My car? I find the answer in my history.
I first heard God speak to me while I was reading over an airconditioning vent as a child. It was the middle of July and burning hot. I took a blanket and pulled it over the vent and crawled inside. I took my flashlight and read the latest book I had checked out of the library. It was there I heard him speak and tell me I was here for a reason. I found myself reading more and more, searching the Bible and seeking answers to why my parents marriage was falling apart. The Bible yielded no answers as to what was causing my parents to fight but it did show me a father who was not like mine. In this quiet safe place I met my true father.
Eventually the situation got so bad that I stopped seeking God. My parents marriage turned dangerous and we moved away. I stopped reading in the quiet corner and started seeking comfort in hobbies, sports, friends, boys, food and put books and my heavenly father far from my mind. I accepted Christ when I was 13, but my priorities didn't change, I still sought solace in outward things. I wish I could say that this habit changed overnight when I accepted Christ but that was just not the case. I was so angry over what had happened in my home and blamed God for all that I had seen and gone through. I was sure he could not satisfy. If he couldn't keep my home safe, keep me safe, then what could he do?
This is a question anyone who has suffered a trauma asks. It is a valid question. It just doesn't get to the heart of the problem. We are broken and angry. He heals and reconciles. We are hurting and desperate. He comforts and meets our needs. He grieves with us. He has never left our side in every trial we face. The answers to the difficult questions may never come. But when I sit in the presence of Jesus those difficulties fade into the background. I see his love for me. I see him healing my heart as I place my pain before him. I see the lengths he went to to save me and am overwhelmed with peace. He is my safe place in a way that no one and nothing else is. I struggle daily with depending on his grace to live in his presence. But in those moments when I lean on him, he is my safe place. Then it doesn't matter what room I'm in, what matters is who is in the room with me.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink!
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink! Sometimes that is how I feel when searching for peace. For the longest time God has been drawing me closer to him in a way I have never experienced before. I have loved the joy of feeling his presence in a new way, of hearing his voice in a new way and yet there is something missing. His peace seems to hide from me to spite how much I read his word or pray. How is that possible!?! I know how it is possible. I am looking for the peace that the world gives. He does not give peace as the world does. His peace is supernatural. His peace is overwhelming. His peace does not however, block out all the pain and the uncertianty of life. Recently I got a call from Judd, my little brother. He was really struggling with a lot of things in his life and was seeking wisdom from me. I did give him some good advice or what I thought was good advice at the time but when we hung up I realized that I was speaking out of what I thought and not always what was best. I told him to let go of a person in his life that was meant to stay in his life because I didn't like the pain he was in. That is usually how we feel, if someone hurts someone I love I loose a great deal of my logic. (Something about my motherly instincts or some other such nonsense) ;)
When I saw Judd over Thanksgiving he kept talking to me about his struggles and this time I was determined to give Godly wisdom. I spent much of Thanksgiving day talking with him and our family about God and these varying conversations led to an amazing evening. That night the person I told him to let go of prayed with me to receive Christ. Oh, the grief and anger I felt toward myself at my brazen attitude in thinking I knew what was best. I usually try to spare those I love grief but God never makes that promise. It is through our selfless actions and loving others to spite our feelings that God works the most. I have seen him do the most amazing works in my life through my pain and grief. I felt the peace of God rest on me in those sweet moments as we were praying because I was letting go of me and taking hold of him. I was changed that day just as she was. We spend so much of our life angry at those who hurt us or those who hurt the ones we love. That anger is real and understandable and it is not wrong to be angry. It is what you do with that anger that determines whether it is sin or not. Do you take your anger to God and release your pain and cares to him or carry them around and make everyone around you miserable?
I have been quilty of letting my anger ruin me for periods of time. It is very painful and all consuming and so very NOT worth it! You and I all know people who live life this way. For a long time I was one of them! The slightest comment sends them over the edge. We walk on eggshells around them constantly afraid of being the object of their wrath. We don't want to be around them. We feel as though we can do nothing right in their eyes and eventually grow weary of trying to do so. The home I grew up in had this happen a lot and by the grace of God my family of origin no longer looks like this. Thankfully, because I have seen this firsthand and gone through it myself I am aware of when I am in danger and flee from it as fast as possible. I wish I could say my bitterness and anger leave immediately upon praying and forgiving them but it often takes days or weeks to get there. Nonetheless, I must start with me. My reactions to the actions of others are on no one but me. No one is responsible for me feelings but me. Others have the ability to influence them but in the end I they only have as much control over my life as I give them.
In order to feel the beautiful peace Christ gives to his followers I must be willing to be at peace with myself and others. How can I possibly find a peaceful and joyful existence when my heart is full of anger and ungodly expectations? No one will ever fully live up to my expectations and they should not have to! The sad truth is that it is impossible. So tonight I will put my grief, pain, resentment, strife, bitterness, expectations, hurt, fear and so much more to rest at the feet of the one who died to make me at peace with my creator. What I want does not help others, it does not bring peace, it only gives me my desires. To truly have the desires of my heart I need to seek God for what he desires and only then will his peace come.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
When I saw Judd over Thanksgiving he kept talking to me about his struggles and this time I was determined to give Godly wisdom. I spent much of Thanksgiving day talking with him and our family about God and these varying conversations led to an amazing evening. That night the person I told him to let go of prayed with me to receive Christ. Oh, the grief and anger I felt toward myself at my brazen attitude in thinking I knew what was best. I usually try to spare those I love grief but God never makes that promise. It is through our selfless actions and loving others to spite our feelings that God works the most. I have seen him do the most amazing works in my life through my pain and grief. I felt the peace of God rest on me in those sweet moments as we were praying because I was letting go of me and taking hold of him. I was changed that day just as she was. We spend so much of our life angry at those who hurt us or those who hurt the ones we love. That anger is real and understandable and it is not wrong to be angry. It is what you do with that anger that determines whether it is sin or not. Do you take your anger to God and release your pain and cares to him or carry them around and make everyone around you miserable?
I have been quilty of letting my anger ruin me for periods of time. It is very painful and all consuming and so very NOT worth it! You and I all know people who live life this way. For a long time I was one of them! The slightest comment sends them over the edge. We walk on eggshells around them constantly afraid of being the object of their wrath. We don't want to be around them. We feel as though we can do nothing right in their eyes and eventually grow weary of trying to do so. The home I grew up in had this happen a lot and by the grace of God my family of origin no longer looks like this. Thankfully, because I have seen this firsthand and gone through it myself I am aware of when I am in danger and flee from it as fast as possible. I wish I could say my bitterness and anger leave immediately upon praying and forgiving them but it often takes days or weeks to get there. Nonetheless, I must start with me. My reactions to the actions of others are on no one but me. No one is responsible for me feelings but me. Others have the ability to influence them but in the end I they only have as much control over my life as I give them.
In order to feel the beautiful peace Christ gives to his followers I must be willing to be at peace with myself and others. How can I possibly find a peaceful and joyful existence when my heart is full of anger and ungodly expectations? No one will ever fully live up to my expectations and they should not have to! The sad truth is that it is impossible. So tonight I will put my grief, pain, resentment, strife, bitterness, expectations, hurt, fear and so much more to rest at the feet of the one who died to make me at peace with my creator. What I want does not help others, it does not bring peace, it only gives me my desires. To truly have the desires of my heart I need to seek God for what he desires and only then will his peace come.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
Monday, August 20, 2012
Running
Sometimes it amazes me how hard it is to get out of my own head. I worry so much sometimes about the most rediculious things! Some things are worthy to be concerned about but should be prayed about and released and yet a number of sleepless nights remind me how much I need to seek God. I know a lot of us worry and the combination of being a wife, a mother, a counselor, and minister's wife all lend to this problem. I worry that I'm not doing enough to help David and Conner see how much I love them. I think about the problems others share with me and how I can help them. And of course let's not forget the dozens of teenagers that David and I work with, teach and pray for. And just when I think I am doing better a situation arrises that reminds me that I indeed run to so many other things and have so little grace for myself.
Most recently I have been worried about pleasing others. The need to make others around me happy and to like me has been consuming. As Christians we are all so hard on ourselves and others that it is nothing short of heartbreaking. I realized how much I worried about the opinions of others on Sunday when our pastor spoke of love and the kind of grace it takes to assume the best of others. What does it look like to assume the best of others? What does it look like to assume the best of me? It might be impossible to assume better of others if I cannot even be gracious and forgiving with myself! I so rarely think that I do anything well, that God sees me and loves me just as I am, that his love is enough to cover a multitude of sins. I so often find my mind running strait to being critical of all of my actions instead of seeing that I have done my best and given all that I have and that this is enough.
When speaking of love my pastor said that a study of marriages revealed that the happiest couples are the ones who don't see their spouse accurately. These couples look past the flaws in their partner and focus on the good. David has joked with me that I love him so much that sometimes I am blind to his flaws. I have told him that I am not blind but that I just focus on how amazing he is and all the mess fades into the background. So why can't I extend that kindness to myself more. See what God is doing in me that is good and enjoy them instead of only focusing on my weaknesses. What a beautiful joy that would be! If we are honest we can easily recall a recent offense in glaring detail. Wes spoke a few weeks ago about how we even keep lists of offenses in our minds that keep us from seeing what is good about others.
Think of the person who annoys you the most. What is so frustrating about them and how much easier your life would be without them. Now look at what is good about them. What they offer others and you. How they help you see how easily offended you are! For our 5 year anniversary I gave David a journal I had been keeping since we started dating that listed all the sweet things he has done over the years to love on me. When I think of his hurtful actions they just don't compare to his incredible love for me. We all get our hearts broken by many people over the years. Some of the offenses take a long time to heal and some heal quickly and all involve forgivness. It may even mean seeking to forget these hurts and focus of remembering the good in others. I think it is time that I find more grace in my heart for myself and others. It is time that I make a list of things that are good about those all around me and believe the best of them instead of the worst. What would your world look like if you believed the best of your spouse?
Your kids?
Your parents?
Your teachers?
Your coaches?
Your ministers?
Your siblings?
Yourself?
Most recently I have been worried about pleasing others. The need to make others around me happy and to like me has been consuming. As Christians we are all so hard on ourselves and others that it is nothing short of heartbreaking. I realized how much I worried about the opinions of others on Sunday when our pastor spoke of love and the kind of grace it takes to assume the best of others. What does it look like to assume the best of others? What does it look like to assume the best of me? It might be impossible to assume better of others if I cannot even be gracious and forgiving with myself! I so rarely think that I do anything well, that God sees me and loves me just as I am, that his love is enough to cover a multitude of sins. I so often find my mind running strait to being critical of all of my actions instead of seeing that I have done my best and given all that I have and that this is enough.
When speaking of love my pastor said that a study of marriages revealed that the happiest couples are the ones who don't see their spouse accurately. These couples look past the flaws in their partner and focus on the good. David has joked with me that I love him so much that sometimes I am blind to his flaws. I have told him that I am not blind but that I just focus on how amazing he is and all the mess fades into the background. So why can't I extend that kindness to myself more. See what God is doing in me that is good and enjoy them instead of only focusing on my weaknesses. What a beautiful joy that would be! If we are honest we can easily recall a recent offense in glaring detail. Wes spoke a few weeks ago about how we even keep lists of offenses in our minds that keep us from seeing what is good about others.
Think of the person who annoys you the most. What is so frustrating about them and how much easier your life would be without them. Now look at what is good about them. What they offer others and you. How they help you see how easily offended you are! For our 5 year anniversary I gave David a journal I had been keeping since we started dating that listed all the sweet things he has done over the years to love on me. When I think of his hurtful actions they just don't compare to his incredible love for me. We all get our hearts broken by many people over the years. Some of the offenses take a long time to heal and some heal quickly and all involve forgivness. It may even mean seeking to forget these hurts and focus of remembering the good in others. I think it is time that I find more grace in my heart for myself and others. It is time that I make a list of things that are good about those all around me and believe the best of them instead of the worst. What would your world look like if you believed the best of your spouse?
Your kids?
Your parents?
Your teachers?
Your coaches?
Your ministers?
Your siblings?
Yourself?
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