The Family We Choose

I have heard and read many times that there is the family we are born into and then there is the family we choose. The family I chose actually chose me. We stumbled onto each other at the time when we needed each other most. Over 4 years ago I met my husband, over 6 years ago the women I call my brothers and sisters. Since knowing these people my life has not been the same. We truly grew up together, found out what love and life are about, and most of all who God is. I stayed up late the other night talking to Dani, one of my sisters, feeling that it is ok to disagree with her, challenge her, cry with her, and ask all the hard questions. She and I have gone through much together, and still after it all there is a peace in knowing that a real friend, is actually family. They will let you hurt, speak truth when its hard, give you the space you need to mourn, love you deeply, correct you, and most of all pray for you. You may be far apart, hurt each other, bless each other, and will still come back together as though no time has passed. If this is not family is I don't know what is. I know not where these amazing people and I will end up or what growing pains we will endure. But I do know that wherever it is, we will be, above all else, family.

The Joy of Giving Up.....

Months and months of planning go into a wedding. You get so accustomed to making everything perfect, just the way you want it. Life, in my organized mind should be this way. In reality it is a beautiful, complicated, painful, joyful mess. On my honeymoon I had a sort of breakdown after planning for so long and having all of that stress gone. Why is it so hard to drop all of our bestlaid plans into the strong capable hands of God? In my life its like taking something from the hands of a stubborn baby. They hold on so tight to the object of their desire having no idea that it is not meant for them, could even hurt them, and the time to have it is years down the road. If we try to take hold of something outside of its time it only leads to having it ripped from our grasp to save us from ourselves. This has been my life for the past 2 and a half years. Just because there are great things in front of us, plans made by us, by those we love, and especially by God, does not mean we take it without asking God what its there for. Our gifts in our hands usually end up broken, like a child who is given a delicate doll at too young an age. The last clear thing I remember God saying before the storm started was that my dreams were going to take time because I needed to learn to let go. Then when the storm hit I was so surprised that it came I forgot to listen to anyone, especially God. When your caught outside in a heavy storm all you hear is the thunder and deafening rainfall as you run for cover, usually without any protection overhead. You reach your destination soaked, cold, and usually sick! This is exactly what happened to me. I stepped outside of God's will and his umbrella of protection and got soaked! The pain went from bad to worse as my anger, bitterness, frustration, and disappointment grew with each day as my understanding of God and his character grew blury. Eventually I had walked so far off course that what was meant to grow and strengthen me has only served to make me doubt everything! Eventually my doubt brought me to my knees so many times that all I could do was abandon my expectations of who I thought God was and of who I was. Funny thing is that was what I needed to do 2 years ago to see clearly what was happening. I was driving home one night and yelling to God how much it all hurt, and how angry I was at him. Then I said, I just don't know who I am anymore, and I'll never be myself again! Promptly answered with I don't want you to be the same, I want you to be a new person!
It all hit me so clearly at that moment that all my tears dried up and I sat there (still driving) and in shock at my ignorance. Soon my heart and attitude about life changed in a way that I never thought possible as my life was filled with more hope and gratitude than I had ever been capable of before. Who knew giving up would be so great! When I prayed there was peace, the wall was gone, and finally I heard God, not as a child but as a woman.

Getting a Suntan in a Rainstorm

I turned 24 this week and there was nothing really special about it except the year it represented. All the years before has a lot of meaning behind them. When you turn 16, its a license, 18, means your an adult, 21 means you can drink, not that any of us would do that!! And then the next few years seem to blur, but its in these years that real growth takes place. In the past year so much growth has taken place in my life that I scarcely know where to begin. My sweet family made this birthday so incredible that as I look around at them and the experiences of the past year I am forced to say that I am now grateful for the growing pains. I got a present every day for a week before my birthday from David, they were all small with the exception of a few, but by the end of the week as I looked each day at how much thought he had put into what I wanted and how much better he knew me this year that the last I was so blown away. Things I had only mentioned once he had really listened to and heard my heart on. By the time my birthday came I felt like royalty and was floating on air! We got up on my birthday, went to lunch and then I went and spent some quality time in my in-laws pool, just me and Melanie's dog Betsey. Its funny, how this year my birthday fell on a wednesday and all those closest to me either had to work, or were out of town so I sat by myself and let the pool relax me to the point of falling asleep.
When I woke up I was so relaxed and the water was so warm that I just began to talk to God as I never had before. After months of asking him to hear me, of asking to hear him, of feeling so much and so little all at the same time there was a settling in my spirit as I looked back with the Lord on what he had brought me through in my 23rd year and it is a miraculous testimony to his love, kindness, and ability to bring me back time and again from the worst of pits. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the Lord's presence, as I floated around the pool not caring which way I floated and then I looked up and it was as though the sky was split strait down the middle. One side was gorgeous clear blue with puffy white clouds, while the other was dark gray with looming dark clouds heavy with rain. Normally I would be upset, but I had been in the sun for several hours and though the clouds were moving in the air had cooled and my face had stopped burning. So, I just smiled and realized the beauty of this situation. It was perfect symbolism for my year. I has so many storms that loomed overhead, chilling the air and threatening to ruin what I wanted. But, in the end, I still had a beautiful time, a beautiful story and through it all I could feel the warmth of the Son on my face. I even got a little color/burn on my cheeks, even if I did have to reapply sunscreen twice, after all, the enemy doesn't fight fair, but God always shines through in the end.